Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(Part 8)

“Knowing when you have found the right one for you”

“Being In LOVE”

When you know, that you know, that you know, you have found the right person, you can feel it in every inch of your body! Your spirit is free and your soul smiles. Whenever he/she comes around, you get all giddy, light-headed, nervous. The palms of your hands sweat for no particular reason. You cannot get the silly grin off of your face. And all you can do is smile. Just the mention of their name will make you blush, think secret thoughts shared just between the two of you. All of your friends know how he/she makes you react, so they tend to tease you about him/her all the time, just to see you behave the way you do. It’s sweet and enduring, but inspires them to keep looking or waiting if their special someone isn’t in their lives at the moment. You give them hope that he/she will come belong and sweep them off their feet. Or if all of you have found the right one, you all laugh about the silly little ways you all act at the very thought of your special someone. My friends and I tease each other all time. We have so much fun doing it too!

This can also be very tricky at first because the mind tends to manipulate us into over-thinking instead of just letting things run as they may. There will also be people in your life who are miserable in his/her own situation, who will try to put questioning thoughts into your mind. (Misery loves company and will try to move your ass right on in your house, if you not paying attention!) Yeah, we do have to be careful were our hearts are concerned but these type of feelings don’t just happen and especially with everybody. We still have to be wise and listen to the people who have our best interest at heart. Don’t just become blinded and allow heartache and pain the chance to still your joy. Trust me! They are waiting to do just that if we are not careful. All people can make you smile, even make you excited when you hear or see them but knowing for sure that you have found the right one for you, is totally, on another level. As the King of Pop, Michael Jackson said, “You give me butterflies”, becomes an understatement when you are with them, think of them or see them. There is nothing anyone can say to take your mind off them. Everything that you do entails thoughts of them. Nothing else matters in the world because love has finally found and conquered you. When the person you feel those ways about feel the same about you, start picking colors, selecting your closest friends and putting together your guest list, because it’s only a matter of time that the two of you embark into a life together, sealed in marriage.

You don’t have to take that leap but more often than not, many people want to express their love for each other through vows, in front of their family, friends and other loved ones. There are couples out there who have this kind of love but don’t feel the need to get married. True, marriage can change things but don’t look at what other people are doing or have done to decide what path is best for you. You and your mate should sit down and talk about it. If you cannot simply live another day a part from each other, then you will know what it takes to keep that a reality. I love the fact of being in love. It keeps me positive, motivated and at ease. Knowing that you have someone who loves you unconditionally, completely, who makes you feel like butter, melting each and every time you are together, is enchanting to say the least. No wonder fairytales always have happy endings. If Prince Charming or Prince Eric had those same effects on Cinderella or Ariel then I see why they broke rules to get to their men. Hell, I would do it too.

The only way I can describe being in love is like this:

A RAY OF SUNSHINE SHINING IN MY HEART
LAUGHING AT THE SMILE IN MY SPIRIT
MY SOUL CRIES OUT TEARS OF JOY
AND IT’S CALLED DESIRE….AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!

LIKE WATER TO A DRY THROAT

FLOWING DOWN TO THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL
CAUSING A MAGNETIC ENERGY TO ERUPT IN MY HEART
CREATING PURENESS IN MY MIND
FOR EVERY THOUGH IS OF YOU
YOU TOUCH ME IN PLACES IN NO ONE ELSE HAS
I CRAVE MORE AND MORE….

A BEAUTIFUL SUNSET

A RAINBOW AFTER A STORM
A PERFECT FLOWER, BLOOMING IN WINTER, NEVER DYING
A LYRIC, SPEAKING WORDS WITHOUT A SONG
THE MELODY INSPIRES ME TO LET LOVE TAKE ME AWAY
FREE AS A BIRD, LIGHT AS A FEATHER,
I AM SOARING IN PURE BLISS….

These are just a few ways I think being in love fells to me. If anyone wants to share what it means to them, feel free to post it in the comment box below. I want to know how you knew when you found the right one or when he/she found you. If you are not there yet, then express how you want to feel when it comes. Share how you think/believe true love should be or feel. There is no right or wrong answer. Allow your heart to open and speak freely, providing you with the right words. Love is beautiful, easy, exciting and the best gift we can receive and give in return. So, when you know, that you know, that you know, you have indeed found the right person for you. It is simple, kind, pure and none like any other. Don’t ignore love, push love away or be too afraid to give love a chance. “It is better to have known true love once in a lifetime, than to have never loved at all!”  

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(Part 7)

“Communicate or lack thereof can make or break any relationship”     

Communication, a weapon of destruction to any relationship if it becomes nonexistent between the people involved it, whether you’re dating, friends or associates, lovers, married or single. We all tend to forget that communication was the thing that drew us close in the first place. Without being able to communicate, how could anyone get to know anyone else?  How do relationships even form? We learn if we have anything in common, what we feel strongly about, if we can stand being around each other for more than five minutes, through communicating. Friendships need communication. Dating requires strong communication but relationships that will last, depend on how well the two people involved, communicate with each other. Not being able to converse will tear any type of relationship to shreds. How will you stay connected? How will you be able to share your day, good news and other important life changing factors without being able to speak openly about them?

Now, talking and communicating are two entirely different things, which I hate most people don’t get because more often than not, the one who is doing all the talking, really doesn’t know how to communicate at all. They tend to be self-centered, bad listeners, confrontational and don’t care about anyone but themselves. Sometimes it’s best to just listen. In relationships, this particular factor is crucial. Whether you know it at the time or not, the other person is observing to see if you care about his/her day, problem or just want to hear what they have to say instead of always running off at the mouth. Don’t expect someone to just listen and listen and listen while you talk, vent or whatever and then not give them the same thing in return. A one-sided conversation never ends well. In fact, too many of them will only push the other person further away and nine times out of ten, into the arms of someone who does want to hear about all of those things from them.

Communication connects us on an emotional, more personal level. Once there is a solid emotional connection, the relationship is unbreakable. True, men are physical but they also want to be with someone who can listen, communicate and give them great advice. Your tits and ass are not going to sit up high like that forever. Sure, the pudding will still be good but he will need to be able to have a conversation with you at some point. Sex can only last for so long. You both have to come up for air, and then what? Hey, I’m just saying! Have something more to offer than just your body. Know how to communicate to stimulate his/her mind. Know how to keep his/her attention with words of wisdom, things that keep him thinking about you all day and craving more. There is nothing like having an intellectual conversation so deep, so pure, that passion radiates all around you. I love getting put in the mood for making love by my man when he says something intelligent. He doesn’t have to even touch me to make me cum. A man being able to communicate like that is sexy as hell to me. Whew!!

How can one give great advice but to listen first? Listening and communicating go hand in hand. Those two components will determine just how far any relationship will go. When we love and care about another person, we want the best for them. We give all of ourselves. We open ourselves completely to them and every aspect of their life. There is nothing we cannot communicate about, so in turn, the bond between us only gets stronger, building a union no one can tear apart. Most relationships with that kind of foundation, will last a lifetime. Friendships will continue to grow and we all will be able to weed out the good and bad people who enter our lives. Not every person who comes into our life is meant to be there a long period of time. Think about it, if we all got along, had everything in common; there wouldn’t be so much hatred or chaos in the world.

So, don’t be afraid to open up, start a conversation and/or just listen. See what others have to say instead of always expecting to be heard. Take advantage of it if you have people in your life who love to communicate. Those are the people you should admire, respect and learn from. Those people are rare.  It isn’t always easy for people to talk, especially men, but don’t make them regret or shy away from it when they do decide to share their feelings, thoughts or emotions. My small circle of friends and I can talk about any and everything, which I am grateful for. It keeps us close, grounded and able to see the full benefit of being able to converse openly, without fear or shame. It keeps us aware of what’s going on in each other’s lives, so we can help each other get through it. It also teaches us the full benefit of what true friendship should be like. We may not talk every day, every week or even every month, but when we do, it’s like time stood still. We are always able to pick up just where we left off because of our ability to communication. As I said before, communication is essential to beginning, maintaining, strengthening and building strong, lasting relationships. I am still friends with old boyfriends because we were always able to talk. I treasure those friendships. Sometimes it’s better to just be friends instead of something more. We were able to determine this factor because of our strong communication whether good or bad things came about. I am happy that I have been blessed with friends who will be in my life a lifetime instead of a reason or only a season. Those relationships teach me so many things every day and will forever remain near and dear to me. Don’t lose out on great ones due to lack of communication!     

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 6)

"Dating and the Single Mom/Dad"

Dating is crucial when there are children involved in the situation. I think that before one introduces someone they’re dating when they are a parent, shouldn’t be taken lightly or too soon when throwing their kids into the equation. Because when or if the relationship doesn’t work out, not only are you breaking up with the person, if you have introduced them to your children, they are also breaking up with them. Kids are innocent in this and they shouldn’t have to get their little hearts broken each and every time their mom/dad ends a relationship. Not only is this being irresponsible but it also gives a bad impression to your children, especially when the kids are older. For instance, if a boy child sees his mother dating and bringing home different men every time he looks around, he may start resenting his mother or think that she is easy. He may place all women in this category and treat them as such. Let’s face it, kids talk and the older they are, the more they talk about. His friends may put thoughts in his head making him think that his mom is a slut. If a girl child sees her father bringing home  different women all the time, she may think that it’s okay if a boy down the road treats her like a piece of meat. She may even think that if she doesn’t give herself to every one of them, they won’t like her. Or she may think that she shouldn’t be with only one boy at a time, resulting in her eventually getting a bad reputation in the future. Bottom line, not everyone you date should be introduced to your kids, period.

If your kids don’t like or get along with the person in your life, don’t blow it off. Observe and see just why they feel the way they feel. Whether we believe it or not, children are more insightful than we give them credit for. If you really see something more developing between you and the one you are in a relationship with, then the both of you should sit down with the children to form a few rules and regulations. Equal time and energy that is put into your relationship should also be done where your kids are concerned. That way, they will see and know that no one is trying to take you away from them and that they are important too. Trust me, children know when they are not wanted or treated fair. Hell, look at what happened to Cinderella? She did everything to please her evil ass stepmother only to be treated as a slave, but what happened to her in the end? She got double for her trouble. Seriously, don’t neglect your children. They will be there to help pick your heart up off the floor when you are left alone. You do not want your children to think or feel that someone is more important than they are. This will stay with them even when you don’t think it will, leading to many rebellious habits to pay you back in the future. Boys can start treating women like dirt and girls can look for love in all the wrong places. As parents, we do not want this type of behavior from our children.

When one becomes a parent, life changes completely. Even if we are not adults when it happens, it forces us to grow up and take responsibility for our actions. Many people think that when they have children at an early age that they can just grow up with their kids, trying to become their best friend. Parenting doesn’t work like that. I’m not saying that you and your kids cannot be friends; I’m saying that the line will be tested time and time again bringing you back to the parenting level. Being a great parent means being a friend when your child becomes an adult and starts his/her own family. They are kids. Being cool, down to earth and your child’s best friend will eventually bite you in the ass. The respect is lost and you will be looked at as the bad guy. Bottom line, you are a parent. Act as such! They should remain kids and innocent as long as possible. Too many kids have been stripped from their youth. Don’t do the same thing to your own. Let the man/woman know before you start dating that you do have children and that they come first in your life. If he/she mean you or your children any good, they will only respect you and want to get to know you more if they intend to be a part of your life on a more long-term basis. If they try to make you chose, then they are clearly not the one for you or should never meet your children. Who does that? Yes, they have people out in the world who do just that and nothing good will even come from them being in your or your kids’ life. Take it personal, we all deserve someone who will fall in love with our children before they fall in love with us. So, when is the right time to introduce your children to your man/woman? No one knows for sure. Trust your gut on this. You will know when the time is right for all involved. Too many single parents both man or woman allow people to come in and turn their worlds upside down. There are more cases than not where children are taken advantage of by mommy’s or daddy’s new boy or girlfriend. As I said before, children are innocent and should remain that way.  

Think about it for a minute. How did you grow up? How did your parents treat you? If you had both parents in the same home, lucky you and even that isn’t always a good thing. If you didn’t, you already know where I’m going. If you were put in situations you know you shouldn’t have been, you should want better for your children. You should want to be a better parent than your own. It’s no one’s fault the way you see fit to raise your kids, but do it as best as you can. Teach them great values and morals. Teach them to love themselves, appreciate their worth but more importantly to respect themselves. They will grow up to be better human beings with those qualities. Having a solid home foundation will reinforce those values in their future. More times than not, children who are taught to love, care for and respect themselves, go on to lead successful lives in a positive way. They are not so easily influenced by peer pressure, low self-esteem and allowing anyone to take advantage of them. They will know their self-worth and become leaders instead of followers of others.

Loving your children should be your first action and priority as a parent. Show them love each and every day, even when you have to chastise them for doing something to defy you or that they know they shouldn’t have done. Yes, they will probably be upset with you at the time but they will get over it, and love you for it down the road. When it comes to relationships, respect yourself, respect your home life and respect your children’s privacy and innocence. Don’t allow anyone to come into your world and interrupt your parenting skills or good judgment. Being alone sucks but it is better to be alone than to put your children through avoidable chaos in the end. The childhood phrase of life is essential to how they will grow up and the adults they will become. Don’t jeopardize it for them by putting your needs in front of theirs.

Don’t allow someone who isn’t their mother/father to try and take their place. Being divorced and in the dating world can be tricky when it comes to that. Many parents don’t know how to be alone after being with someone for years. It takes time to heal and get to know you and your children without having another person there. Sometimes we don’t have a clue of our kids’ personality, hobbies or other wonderful qualities because of the stress in a marriage/long-term relationship. Whether you know, believe it or not, divorce and separation will affect each child differently. Some may resent you or your ex by leashing out, just to get your attention. Let’s face it, if divorce or separation happens, sometimes the children become invisible because of selfish reasons. Have a line of communication with your children from conception. That way as they get older and wiser, it doesn’t become an issue. If something is going on at home, talk to them about it. See how they feel. Many children, especially teenagers become runaways because they feel left out, unloved or simply forgotten. Don’t give them reason to think that way. Talk to your children about everything. You will know when and what they can handle. I have a two year old and a fourteen year old. (Yeah, I know. What was I thinking?) I have talk with both of them and they will understand. The two year old surprises me speechless on a daily basis with some of the things he says. The insight that my daughter has is astounding.  She is her own person. She doesn’t worry about what her peers say or do. She is strong-minded, smart and intelligent. I worry but not as much about her going down the wrong path when she is away from me because of the things we have talked about. I know that she will grow into a very successful woman and make someone a lucky person someday.

So, whether you are married, single or divorced, talk with your children. They will respect you more and trust your judgment instead of learning the hard way about different obstacles in life such as: peer pressure, sex, drugs, alcohol and dating. Don’t have them a bad impression of what a relationship should be. Dating should be fun, exciting, the best time of being single. Don’t complicate it by overstepping boundaries or putting anyone in a foreshadowing situation. Make sure he/she is someone you see yourself being with on a more permanate level than just having a good time with, before introducing them to the special someone is your life. Don’t rush it either! When he/she comes along, you will feel butterflies each and every time you see or hear from them. Your kids will love him/her when you do decide the time is right to introduce them and all persons involved will know when the fit is perfect, special, unbreakable. So, again I stress, take your time before involving your children when you are a single parent, in the dating world. Starting over is hard but sometimes it’s worth it when we have children, who are watching our every move, listening to our every word. We are their heroes, role-models, people they want to become. What would you do if Superman was your favorite superhero and suddenly lost his powers? This will change everything that you loved about him. The same thing goes for when you have children. Don’t have them reason to change their perception of you. Life will be better from it, trust me!

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 5) Can Men and Women be Friends and nothing more?

“When you have friends you don’t want your guy/girl to meet, is something up?”

Having your own set of friends before a relationship is more than likely to happen, but when do the two people involved bring his/her friends together for introductions? What happens when one person doesn’t want to introduce a few of their friends? Is this something to be overlooked or talked about? If the relationship is serious, why not introduce everybody so that everybody knows everybody and there isn’t any conflict down the road? People who keep “friends” a secret or hidden will only cause trouble and raise questioning eyebrows as the relationship progresses. It’s nothing I wish on anyone because I have encountered this bullshit one time too many to count. I have also had a few friends of my own, who I didn’t want to meet the current boyfriend along the way for selfish reasons, I might add. At that particular time in my life, I wanted to keep my options away from each other so that if it didn’t work out with one, I could just move on and there wouldn’t be any conflict between whomever. (If you know what I mean) Was it right? No, but did I care at the time? Hell no! When you are still in the dating phrase, there is no need to reveal all of your friends. Save this until you are sure that something more will develop. Otherwise, you can and will find yourself in a strange situation, losing someone who could have potentially been the right one all along.

Relationships should have ground rules about friends who were there before you, from the beginning. Yes, I am a firm believer that men and women can only be friends. I still have a few male friends from my youth and that is and has always been the extent of our relationship. I think there is a fine line where this particular matter is concerned but I couldn’t see life without them being a part of it, period. Some are married and some are not but I do know their wives and current girlfriends and they know my husband. It’s always good to have at least one person of the opposite sex to talk to and get advice from. Who else better to talk about a man, than a man or a woman, than a woman? Friends won’t steer you wrong or try to get inside your pants if he/she are truly a friend.

Some women don’t like it when their guy has women friends. I don’t blame them but trust has to begin somewhere. Now, if you have reason for suspicion, that’s different but if you have met them, talked with them and can see the interaction between them with your own two eyes, then, why not? Besides, if he trusts you enough to have guy friends, don’t be a hypocrite! This will only push him further into the arms of the woman waiting, if that is the case. (Yes, that will happen whether you want to believe it or not. Don't be so quick to just take his/her word about the people they call "friends") I am a woman and I know how women think, especially the friend who has always wanted to be someone more. We see it all the time. The one who listens, consoles and gives him all the best advice, comfort and support will be there when you show your ass. Don’t allow that to happen. I say, get to know all the friends he/she introduces you to. You will definitely know if you have anything to concern yourself with.

Allow me to share this story with you and then you can make your very own conclusions. I was dating a guy, not just dating, we were in a serious relationship, who I thought was great. That is, until I caught him in all sort of lies. He would always be on the phone with someone he always referred to when I asked as, his friend and classmate. When I asked him when I could meet her, so that we could get to know each other, he didn’t like that idea one bit. (Immediately a red flag went up. I am blessed to have a lot of men in my family, whom I love and cherish deeply, but they well schooled me and the other girls in the family, on many things. Even when we didn't want to know, they said it bluntly so that we wouldn't ever have to deal with a "no-good man" as they called it. All I can say now is, thank you!) Let me stop rambling. Moving along!

Anyway, one night I was at his house. We were lying in bed and it was about ten o’clock. He was just getting over a cold, and I, being the person that I am, was doing my duty as a good loving and caring girlfriend, taking care of him. As we cuddled up next to each other, we heard his doorbell chime. I looked over at the clock, as did he. He looked just as startled as I was, as to who could be at his house that late. Well, it was the same friend/classmate who he didn’t want me to meet. I waited to see if he would invite her inside, listening like a superspy. Before he opened the door there was a bit of hesitation. It took him a few minutes to open it and but before he came back into the room to grab his shorts and t-shirt. I could tell from her voice that she was all smitten, talking all sweet and enduring. She seemed extremely comfortable in front of him, like she was used to showing up at his house anytime she felt like it or should I say invited over.

The next words from her mouth got me even more angry. She said, “Hey baby, I just wanted to see if you were okay since I have been calling you all day and night and you hadn’t answered the phone. You always answer or call me back but since you hadn't, I just came over.” I later learned that his phone’s ringer was turned off. (Ask me how I knew that? You damn right! I checked that as soon as the words escaped her lips.) Now mind you, he still hadn’t invited this poor girl inside and it was cold outside. She should have known his ass was up to something but she remained in the doorway, waiting to be invited in. I, on the other hand, was getting more furious by the minute. There was silence and then she finally asked why he wasn’t letting her inside. She was like, “Stop making me stand out here in the cold. I brought you some of my mom’s chicken noodle soup that you love so much. I personally made it, myself and yes before you ask, I called and she talked me through it.” He didn’t know what to do or say. I knew that I was in the next room and his house wasn't bigger than an apartment, so I was able to hear a fly shit on the wall.

I learned many things during the whispered conversation between them that night. He knew her very well, she had cooked for him, apparently had been to his house more than once and he had met her mother. If that isn't serious, then what is? That is when I got up and stood in the doorway of his bedroom, with my arms folded. (The perfect "don't fuck with me" defense mechanism) I thought that he would say something then but he pretended that I wasn't there. But baby let me tell ya, I made sure she saw me. I politely walked my half-dressed ass into the living room, up to the front door and asked her to come in. I took the soup from her, thanking her for being such a good friend. I chatted with her while I put some of it in the microwave. I even asked her if she wanted to eat some with us. I only fixed two bowls. (My mama didn't raise no fool. She taught my siblings and I never to eat from people we don't know and be careful with the one's you do know when it came to food.)

He was so nervous. He couldn’t even look me in the damn face. We didn't even include him in the conversation. She was nice and polite, but clearly her poor feelings were hurt. She was even dresses as if she would be spending the night, in your pajamas. Who does that? Just show up at a friends house in pjs, ten o'clock at night, if you are only friends? (Now even if I went to check on one of my male friends, I could at least put on decent clothes. Besides, you never know why he/she didn't answer the phone all the times you called. What if something happened and you have to call the police? Hell, what if he didn't answer because he had someone over? Anything could happen and there are just certain things as friends you just don't do, period. If you are just friends that is.) He called out my name but I refused to acknowledge him at all. After I fixed the soup for the both of them, I went into the bedroom, got dressed and before I left, I said, “From now on, when you get sick, want to be fucked or anything else, call your girl, your friend/classmate, who is clearly way more than that.” She looked at me with a light smile on her face.

I guess I said all the things she needed to hear to know exactly where she stood in his life. (It is always convenience for a guy to mislead a woman. Allow her to cook, ask to go to a movie, dinner, hang out or even sex from time to time, but that is some bullshit. Don't string people along with hopes that something romantic will happen in the future. Time is something we all cannot get back. Be honest, straight up and you will be respected rather than neglected. At least tell them what's up and then the ball can be in his/her court. If they choose to play defense or offense, it's their choice.) Before I was even out of the driveway good, friend/classmate was right behind me. Before I was able to drive off, she hollered out "thank you". I tilted my head up and kept it moving. We were not friends and that was how I would keep it. He called several times that night trying to apologize and explain. I felt that if he didn’t have anything to hide, he could have done that while we both were there. That didn’t happen, and the two of us became distant lovers. I don’t know if he was able to savage his relationship with his friend/classmate but he had already gotten a few strikes and I was done. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me. No relationship should have that much drama. And ya’ll this is the same guy I have constantly talked about in a few other posts. I should send him a check or something, to thank him for all the wisdom he provided me with about some of the things men are capable of doing, if you don’t listen and pay attention to the warning signs.  

Bottomline, I couldn't really fault the girl. She probably didn't even know I existed. I knew that they talked on the phone, he talked to her in front of me so I didn't really think much of it until that particular night. Men and women have always been different when it comes to things like this. Men tend to overlook a woman having a male friend, even if he knows him or not. They will even hang out with our men friends to make us happy. They tend to become friends even when the two of you break-up. Women, not so much, we are already territorial by nature, so this will cause tension even when there shouldn’t be any. If being burned one time before from this very situation, we may get passed it, but never fully forget it or let our guards down again. It can take the woman telling us or introducing us to her own man, and we still won’t trust them. Women know women all too well, and can spot someone trying to take our place or get a little too close for comfort to our man. (This doesn't sit well with us, at all.)

This situation is hard but I am not too uptight or should I say insecure about my guy having a few friends who are of the opposite sex. She will know me and most definitely know her. I will know without any doubt if she wants more than friendship from my man. (There will be none of that!) I really don’t have much more to say about this particular topic except to just observe and trust your man/woman but more importantly trust your intuition. Besides, you wouldn’t steer yourself wrong, would you? In the end, if his/her friends are genuine, they will eventually become your friends too. Relationships aren't always hard, we tend to make them that way!     

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 4)

“Don’t turn your back on your family and friends because you are in a relationship”

Now I will be the first one to admit being guilty of this very thing. I am not proud to say it but I have pushed people away or turned my back on friends when I got into a relationship. It was mainly because the guy didn’t want me to talk to or hang out with them, just so he could control me. He wanted me to be totally depended on him, have no one but him and that is sick. No one should want you not to have friends and family to spend time with, besides whom will you talk about him with? LOL

If someone wants you to do that, you should walk away. Nothing good will come from the relationship. In fact, he will get more controlling, become physically and mentally abusive and eventually take you from high to low. Don’t you think there is something unstable with him/her if they are trying to keep you by yourself? That way when he/she goes upside your head and it will happen, you don’t have anyone to call or nowhere else to turn. I was blind to that fact until I realized that when he hurt me, I couldn’t tell anyone or get any advice from anyone because I had pushed them all away. I felt stupid, ashamed, trapped and sometimes unable to breathe.

I thought that he was being sweet, taking our relationship seriously enough to want to spend as much time together as possible. Now, there is nothing wrong with spending time together while in a relationship but sometimes it is always good to have some alone time. Taking time for yourself whether in a relationship or not is one of the best forms of therapy. Knowing who you are is essential to maintaining great friendships and a lasting relationship. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t even know who or what they are or want out of a relationship. With that being said, men also need their personal space. They don’t like to feel crowded, smothered or anything pertaining to be whipped or unable to do “his” thing. But people who want to be together will do just that. They will make and find time to spend together to show his/her Sweetie that they are important and special.

Most men I have been friends with for many years, welcome to time that their woman spend with her friends. It gives them time apart to miss each other, flirt a little and show just how much she was missed when she gets back. Most of my friends, who are guys, think having girlfriends are great but when they pose a threat to his and your relationship, he verbalizes that fact early on instead of allowing it to actually happen. He doesn’t want your friends knowing everything that goes on in your relationship either. In fact, some times are better left unsaid. Yeah we all have that one girlfriend who knows everything that there is going on, but is that really healthy? My best friend knows mostly everything there is to know but she and I have an understanding in our relationship. We know that some things are better taken to the grave and that’s the way it is, period.

Ladies, we also need to learn that our men need their boys. And trust me, they will know how important you are and know not to try and cross that line. Men need to feel like men and having boys play a huge part in that. Now, boys will be boys but your guy will know before he leaves the house that he can look all he wants but bring that home for his woman. My guy does, that is. He knows that we don’t have to be together 24/7 but we have that trust already established. It’s been there for over fifteen years now and I don’t think it’s ever going anywhere. He knows as well as I know that we can go spend time with the girls, party like it’s 1999 but don’t party too much. Don’t cross the line. Yeah, guys will try to holler and yes, females will try to get yours and every guy’s attention in the building, but he won’t take it there out of the respect and love he has for you. So, there is no need to push your friends away when you are involved in a relationship. Oh and don’t let his boys like you, you are definitely a keeper!

As for as family is concerned it can be tricky where relationship are concerned, which can either make or break a strong bond. When a man loves his mother and other family hard, he will do any and everything to keep it that way plus include the woman of his life in it. He will make it clear that she is someone special about even introducing her to them, so there is no if’s and’s or but’s about it. On the other hand, when the woman doesn’t really put forth an effort to become a member, keeping peace when there is clearly tension, she make not stay in the relationship long. This will definitely be determined or should be way before marriage is mentioned. It’s sad that we all have been through or know people who don’t like their mate’s family. “Can we all just get along?” It’s not hard getting along with people especially your guy’s family and vice versa. Try your best and then if it is something that cannot be resolved, I think you should evaluate your relationship to see if anything more can develop. We cannot pick and choose our families but we can pick and choose the people we want to bring into them. With that being said, more times than not, when one doesn’t get along with someone’s family, he/she won’t be happy in a relationship. The situation will only bring tension and stress to the happy couple, ultimately ending with breakup.  

When a woman loves her family, she loves them but she will be more likely to push them away if they don’t like or respect her man. This is sad because she should want that family will be there when no one else is. I’m not saying she should just allow her family to make her man feel uncomfortable, unwanted or anything of the sort but she should know that her family wants nothing but the best for her. I don’t know what it is about “Mothers” but they have loser radar and can spot a loser from miles away. Trust and believe that not everyone in your circle will care for your mate but if everyone says the same thing, you should open your damn eyes and see that he/she doesn’t mean you any good. Don’t wait until he starts treating you like dirt or staying out late or not coming home at all. We may not like what they have to say but listen. It will save a lot of time and wasted energy on someone who shouldn’t be in your life.

Bottom line; don’t get rid of the people who came before the person you just met. They will be there even after you have pushed them away. When you have friends who are there for a lifetime, they will forgive but never forget. They won’t say “I told you so” but they will let you know that they were right in some way, shape or form. There are some shady people out in the world. Don’t waste time you could be spending with true friends and devoted family on someone who will drag you through the mud and back again. Someone who wants the best for you won’t try to make you chose or make you push anyone away unless they know without a shadow of a doubt that those people don’t have your back. No one should live life alone and family and friends are rare treasures we tend to take advantage of or forget that they have always been there no matter what. Be happy! Be you and be watchful of wolves in sheep’s clothing!

Friendship, Dating and Relationships--(Part 3)

“Trying to Change or changing for the person you’re with”

There is one thing that both men and women try to do when we want something even when all the signs point to the complete opposite. Being yourself with and around the person you are dating or in a relationship with is crucial, otherwise it’s a lie. Women especially, tend to change into someone we think the person we’re with wants us to be instead of just being yourselves. Let’s face it! If they cannot accept us for whom we are, then it should be their lost, period. If change happens along the way then that is a completely different thing. Change is good when it’s pure, genuine and to better oneself. But if it is done to get or keep someone, it’s false, deceiving and will eventually be found out. Putting on a persona will come to an end at some point because it’s hard to pretend to be someone that isn’t your true self. If everyone changed into the perfect mate or spouse, there would be no room for fighting, splitting up or divorce. True, we all want to be with the best person for us but we also have to be realistic. Nothing in life is that simple and if so, you should be keeping a very close eye on it. Something is bound to happen and not in a good way. Deception is one of the key factors in breakups. Once one’s true identity is learned, the relationship always end because the trust is broken. There are just certain boundaries that shouldn’t be compromised and being oneself is one of them. If you are not good enough for the person you are with, tell them to go straight to hell in gasoline drawers. Deuces, so long, see ya and everything else that applies! They are not worth your damn time anyway.

Why do we as women always want to change a man? If he was cursing, dressing like a thug and checking out girls when you first got with him, he will be doing the same thing while you’re with him or not. The only way that he will change is because he wants to do better and be better. He is not going to change for you and all the nagging, begging and pleading will only push him further into the arms of the woman he can be himself with. Even if you ease into it, it won’t last forever. He will figure out what you trying to do and leave you faster than a speeding bullet, with your bullet to keep you company at night. (Wait, did I just say that? My bad, but it’s true.)  Same way for us, stop changing to appease him. Trust me he knows when you are not being yourself.  It is a big turnoff, so I’ve been told. I can honestly say that I have never felt the need to change in order to get or keep a man. Being the real me is the thing they loved most about me. Not that I’m this great, no flaw having, in great shape, with the best skin person, because that is so untrue. I do know how to be myself, laugh, smile and dress in a way that commands the attention of my mate. Those should be the motivating factors to be you. If you are with someone and he/she never gives you a compliment, something is wrong. I will sure you deserve them all the time. If you always tell him/her how nice they look, how good they smell and how attractive they are, and receive nothing, you need to be with someone who will do that for you. We are human beings, with human emotions and we need to feel wanted, accepted, desired. Don’t settle or change just to make someone happy when you are dying inside. It isn’t worth it!

I mean think about it, if you didn’t wear makeup when the two of you first got together and he was attracted to you, then don’t just start wearing tons of makeup because he makes a comment about another woman wearing it. Most men don’t even like women who wear tons of makeup. It gets all over the place. It breaks your skin out and wearing too much can bring the wrong kind of attention to yourself. More often than not he is just seeing if you will become his puppet, a pushover or do anything he tells you to do. In the end, he will leave you for someone who uses their mind instead of having their mind used for them. Having a backbone is sexier than a badass pair of stilettos any day of the week in my book. If you don’t agree, ask one of your male friends, your partner or spouse and see what he says. If you met at the gym, getting your workout on, then don’t just stop working out and let yourself go. This is a quick way to use your woman/man. The same thing you did to get them should be the same thing you do to keep them. If you don’t, there are several out there who will. Keep it sexy, in every sense of the word and you won’t have to deal with this in your relationship.

I talk to lots of people and learn many things. One thing that stood out to this day is when I was friends with a guy, who was gay and he told me how he changed into someone he didn’t know when he looked in the mirror. He told me one day over lunch how he couldn’t stand himself anymore. That he wasn’t happy with the persona he was putting on just to be with the guy he was with. I sympathized for him because when I first met him, he was always the happy-go-lucky guy who made everyone’s day brighter. I watched for several months as he drastically changed from a nice looking, clean cut, muscular, sexy man, to a stone-faced, colored contact wearing and skinny wimp. He said that his boyfriend didn’t like guys bigger than him, so he stopped going to the gym and we didn’t eat lunch together as much. It was later discovered that “the boyfriend” didn’t want him bigger than him because he wanted to physically abuse my friend. They would fight all the time, for the smallest things. I tried to help but when I was bluntly told to mind my own damn business, I did just that. I hated seeing the black eyes behind the glasses, the limps and swollen lips, but when someone asks you to step back you have to give them their space. Continue to let them know you are there for them but leave the ball in their court. Sadly, my friend got fired from work and ended up alone, back living with his parents. The same guy he changed completely for left him for someone who stood up to him. In the end, my friend just transformed himself from a confident guy, to a damn punching bag. It’s sad but it happens more often than not.

Don’t give someone that much power over you or try to possess power over. When it’s all said and done, no one is left happy. It’s too much work being someone you’re not. And trust and believe your true self will come out sooner than later. Then you will be looked at as a liar, deceiver or other harsher words complimentary from the person you hurt. Think about it, would you want people to look at you as total stranger or as someone who knew themselves enough to be just that, no matter what anyone else thought or had to say about it? We teach our children to be themselves when dealing with bullying in everyday life, are we not hypocrites if we don’t take our own advice? Yes, absolutely! How can you tell someone to be themselves no matter who doesn’t accept them and in turn allow someone to make us change? We as adult men/women have to grow up at some point and lead by example, especially when we have children. Bullying in today’s society is serious and has gotten way out of hand. Well, trying to change or allowing someone to change you is a form of bullying and it has to stop starting now. Relationships will come and go. People will come and go. The ones, whom will be in our lives a reason, will be affected by us in a positive way. The ones, whom will be in our lives for just a season, teaching us something, inspiring us to become a better person, but the ones whom remain in our lives for a lifetime, will be there when we need them no matter what, who accepts us in spite of our flaws. “Be yourself! Change the world by knowing who you are!”

Friendship, Dating and Relationships--(Part 2)

“When you know you’re ready for Commitment!”

Once upon a time there was a man, who met a woman. They fall in love, got married, had lots of babies and lived happily ever after. Yeah right! If only it where that simple. Now I love a great fairytale, in fact, the Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty are two of my all-time favorites. I wonder who came up with the concept of “happily ever after”. Well, whoever it was, must have been a hopeless romantic. Life as we all live and know it takes more than just meeting, to the altar and the white picket fence. If it where that simple, would we still want it? Would we truly embrace it and do all the necessary things to keep it that way? Would we fall in love for the first time and be totally and completely satisfied with that person forever? What happens if in a few years, you both become bored with each other, unable to even sit in the same room for more than ten minutes without getting on each other’s nerves? What happens if you love them deeply but cannot stand them as a person? What happens if the sex is whack? These are all questions we should ask ourselves before placing a label on our relationships. I think that we all need to take a good look, a really good look at every aspect of our life before bringing another person along for the ride, which brings me to the main question of this post, “when do you know you’re ready for commitment”.

The more I thought about this particular topic, the more I thought about all the relationships, serious, committed relationship I’ve had and thought that if someone would have given me the insight, the less time and energy I would have wasted. But I am thankful for the lessons learned along my journey. Now, I have only been in about five relationships that I would call serious and each time I took something positive away from them. I became a more cautious person, who had to reevaluate myself before I could get to a point where I didn’t just want to rush into something, but instead take it slow, get to know each other on a friend level and then determine whether or not I wanted or was even capable of going into something more serious. I have always been able to be by myself if it came to that but who wants to be along when you’re young, full of energy, with raging hormones? I’m not saying that you should have sex with everyone you embark into a relationship with but let’s just be realistic. No one waits anymore in this day and age. First, we see someone attractive enough. Go out a few times and by the third date. Sex is bound to take place. It’s not anything that I agree with because I would want my daughter to wait until marriage to share her most prized gift with her husband, but what can I do if that doesn’t happen?
I can only hope that she keeps the values and morals instilled in her, that she will remember them as she enters the dating world. I am so glad that we haven’t come to that yet! (Help me Baby Jesus!)

It didn’t happen for me that way, but is it wrong to want better than what happened for us for our offspring? That is why I think there should be a few questions to help gear us down the right path. I have come up with questions one should ask his/herself before leaping into something they will probably regret in the long run. I think that the answer to all the questions should be selfless in order to truly know if one is ready to move from the friendship, to dating, to relationship, to a commitment. Commitments are not meant to be broken, should be taken seriously and each one involved feelings and emotions should be taken into full consideration before taking the plunge. Here goes, feel free to leave comments or send emails to passionatebutterfli@hotmail.com with any responses, questions or any other information you think we should know about. Like I say all the time, I am no expert nor do I profess to be. These are merely my thoughts and insight from life experiences and speaking with friends about their journeys.

1.       Do you wake up each morning thinking of only yourself? If you answered yes, you really have problems. In order to be in a serious relationship, you have to think of others, putting them and their needs before yourself. Who wants to be with a selfish asshole?

2.       Do you have to have sex every day? Being in a serious relationship, you will not have sex every day. There will be things that come up that won’t allow it. Sure, the two of you will enjoy each other very much, but unless you know something that I don’t, you will not be doing the do 365 days of the year. If you know something we need to know that can change that fact, please let a sista in on that! LOL Seriously, the body needs at least a day or two to recuperate.

3.       Do you want children? Be sure to make it clear to the person you consider becoming serious with know this beforehand. I know a few couples who ended up breaking up because one wanted kids and the other didn’t but didn’t share that bit of information before things got to the point that marriage was in the works. Just be honest with yourself and the other person.

4.       How is your credit? Whatever baggage you bring into a relationship and it turns into marriage, will follow. Being responsible will eliminate that question from even coming up. We all have probably been there and done that, especially if you have attended college. The companies throw yourselves at you. You can basically get as many credit cards as you like and suffer in the end if you do not read the fine print or be responsible. Using the card for only emergencies or not just making the minimum payment will keep you from suffering in the future. Credit card debt is the number one financial problem most couples face to date. So, have your finances secured.

5.       Do you allow your family to interfere or dictate your relationships? No woman or man will allow that to go on forever. If you are with someone right now who does, lucky you. But in the end, who wants to be with a pushover? Have a backbone. Treat others as you want to be treated. And no one wants to be with a mother’s boy. Yes, we want you to love, respect and treat your mother wonderful because that is ultimately the way we want you to treat us, but there is a limit. Mama cannot run her household and yours too. We can get alone and be merry or we can just be cordial and keep it moving!

6.       Do you have to go clubbing every weekend? Now don’t get me wrong a little partying never hurt anybody, but being at the club every time it opens, is too much. If you have a good man/woman at home, why are you at the damn club? You know what happens at the club or the kind of people who always there. Don’t put yourself in situations you won’t be able to explain. Hell, don’t even have to explain. I love dancing but I do not be at the club shaking my ass. I will just turn up the music and have my own club. Do it together and who knows what will happen after the last song is played!

7.       Do you take care of yourself? No one wants to be with someone, no one else wants. Enough said!

8.       Do you have a five yr. plan? No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t have goals, realistic goals. Have something to offer in the relationship. Don’t expect someone to just take care of you and you cannot take care of yourself. Want something out of life so that when you are ready to retire, you can. When you want to buy something, you can.

9.       Do you praise materialistic things? Is your car off-limits from eating? Will you get mad if someone accidentally stepped on your new shoes or spilled something on your clothing? Things come and go. There are people in the world without clean drinking water, decent food to eat so don’t think that because your Jordan’s or Polo got messed up it is a big damn deal! You can be the cleanest person on the outside and ugly as hell on the inside. Things come and go. Grow up!

10.   Do you talk to more than three people on the phone, via text or email on a daily basis? When thinking of being in a committed relationship, this is a no-no. The only person that should be on your mind is the person whom you want to be with. They should be all you need to brighten your day, make you smile or get your motor running. Each time you see them, get a text or call from them, you should get butterflies. If you need other people to fill each void, then you are clearly not ready for a committed relationship. When you get lonely because you are not able to be with the one you want to be with, due to work or other situations and you have to call someone else to occupy your time, you should just continue the dating or friendship phrase. As I said before, feelings and emotions are nothing to play with, period.

11.   Do you already give kids? Children play an important role in dating. They will eventually determine if you will be in a serious relationship, period. I am not saying you should live or base your love life on your children but they do have a say whether you like it or not. This will also let you know if the person you are considering getting serious with will treat your kids as their own. You cannot let everyone meet your kids. (I will be discussing this particular topic later on this month in more detail)

12.   Are you ready to join friendships? If you have friends that you are not willing to introduce to your mate then you may not be ready to settle down. I believe that in relationships, your friends and their friends should become “our” friends. That way, there is no confusion.

13.   Are you ready to be considerate with your time? Spending quality time with someone is essential in making any type of relationship work. Will you be able to make time if time is an issue to show that you are willing to do whatever it takes where your relationship is concerned? Are you ready to share your whereabouts with someone? Yes, he/she will ask and expect an answer. If you always talk or text and then suddenly the routine are broken where periods of time go by without contact, but prepared to have to answer questions or explain yourself. Don’t incriminate yourself or become a liar. It’s simple, if you are not ready to do this; you need a little more time.

The list can go on and on but what good would that do? It really only take the first two or three questions to determine whether or not you are ready for something serious, where relationships are concerned. It’s not rocket science.  It’s life and at some point, we all get to the point when we want to stop playing, being alone and get serious. Coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone, going to sleep and waking up alone isn’t an option anymore. Having a different person in our bed becomes irrelevant. This is when one will know that he/she are ready to be in a committed relationship. The choice becomes simple. The only question is then is, do we have the right person who feels the same way about us as we do them. True, sometimes we get there only to find out that we are not there with the right one. This sucks but it does happen! If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be any Divorce Attorneys now would it? So take things slow, get to know yourself in order to be open to learning others and when you do, give it your all! Life is a gift, today is a present and tomorrow is a blessing, should it come! I have been in relationships were I was ready and thought the person I was with was too, only to get heartbroken in the end. We all know the, “it’s not you it’s me” line. I want to slap the person who invented that shit! Once there is an emotional connection with someone, it is hard as hell to let go and just move on to the next person. If you can do that, the relationship was clearly not as deep as you thought it was. Take your time. Make sure you know when you know when you know! Besides, when all else fails, your heart and mind will be in agreement and confirm that you are ready, with the person who you are ready to go forth on the best adventure of your life!