Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 1)

Can being too serious, ruin a relationship?

For the month of August I did a seven part series about sex, which received many comments and feedback and got great review. I was speaking with a couple of friends and decided that for the month of September I should do another series. The more I spoke with them, the more I thought about what my next topic should be. We have all experienced many different levels regarding friendships, dating and relationships, so what better subject matter? It was decided that relationships and dating be the focus for this month. I asked for suggestions and they came pouring in. These subjects are even more broadening than sex and we all know that sex goes above and beyond; taking several twists and turns along the way, so this month should be very interesting indeed. What better way to connect with others than speaking honestly and openly about dating and relationships. With a balance of both topics, this month should be very insightful, encouraging, which will help some dealing with such in their own relationships, get through the obstacles or decide whether or not the relationship is worth fighting for or taking to the next level.  So, sit back, relax and enjoy this month’s new topic: Friendship, Dating and Relationships!

Dating is something we all have experienced at some point in time. Some people tend to skip this phrase of the three and move right on to either a great friendship or jumping head first into a full relationship, putting a label on themselves without even getting to know their mate. I feel that dating prepares us all for what comes along with relationships. We get to date more than one person, determine what kind of man/woman we like, not have to worry about being dishonest about seeing other people and the list goes on and on. Would you say dating other people is cheating? I think that if you are just dating and it is expressed to all parties involved, it is not. But on the other hand, if you tell someone that they are the only one you are seeing and get caught up in a lie then it is. Playing with someone’s feelings, time and emotions are serious. So when dating, do just that and tell whomever you are dealing with, so there is no confusion. Dating should be fun, the best phrase of the relationship process. People have become blind during this phrase, thinking that just because they are seeing and getting to know more than one person, that they are cheaters. It goes back to being honest in the beginning, so that no one gets the wrong idea or gets hurt in the process. This also helps develop communication, trust worthiness and seeing how someone will take it when you let them know that you are just dating. This is essential before taking the next phrase into perspective. Dating should determine if the persons involved can get to the friendship level. If you can become friends, then there is most likely a great chance that you can enter into a relationship, a committed relationship. No more dating or seeing other people when the word “commitment” enters the scene.

I see different kinds of relationships on a daily basis whether on television, face-to-face or in books that I read, some good, some not so good. I love observing people and their interactions with one another. Sometimes I go to a public spot just to see how well couples relate to each other. Many times, I shake my head because it is the girl or woman who seems more serious or takes the relationship more seriously, than the male. Now, it is a known fact that girls mature faster than boys but in the long run, is that really a good or bad thing? Can being too mature push or pull our guys away? Is being so serious a flaw that makes the opposite sex afraid to settle down and commit? I’m not saying that a relationship shouldn’t be taken seriously but there is a different kind of seriousness, I think. For example, when you first meet someone, trying to get to know them, hence the dating phrase should be fun, exciting and full of life. Who wants to be with someone so uptight, reserved and boring? I say date as many people as you have you to get to the right one for you. Who knows, you may find a few lifelong friendships along your journey down the unknown. Most relationships I’ve personally experienced, I flocked to guys with a great sense of humor, who loved the laugh and fun have, instead of the more serious type. It takes a special kind of guy to express himself through laughter and not take himself so serious. We, as women, sometimes walk past the class clown, turn our noses up at the fun guy, who is the life of the party. We tend to think that because they have everyone surrounding them, that they need all the attention, have to be the life of the party because of low self-esteem. In most cases, that couldn’t be furthest from the truth. I have always been attracted to the funny guys, who made me laugh. True, I love an intellectual conversation and a man who can think, whom I can talk with about any and everything, but there is just something that makes me all giddy, I find sexy even, when a guy can make an ugly face, laugh at me or him, to just lighten up.  If I do something funny, I want him to laugh instead of sit there with a judgmental look on his face. Laughter cleanses the soul, so laugh, have fun, don’t be so dull!

In relationships, I think it’s extremely important to become friends with someone before getting into something more serious or putting a label on what you two have. Friendships, I feel, make the best relationships. There is nothing like having your best friend as the love of your life, who can make you laugh, smile, happy and sentimental from just doing something unexpected, to show how much he/she appreciates you. Being able to talk about any and everything openly and completely in a relationship is essential to a successful and healthy future. When you are able to converse without fear of saying something to hurt each other’s feelings or feeling ashamed or embarrassed, are a big deal. It is the foundation to a solid and lengthy relationship. When it’s time to get serious, it’s time to get serious, all joking aside! Yeah, humor is a great trait but being able to set that aside and get serious when problems occur, which they will, you have to know that that won’t become a problem. No one wants to have a little boy/girl who refuses to grow the hell up and deal with life issues. What fun is that? What is the point? How will the relationship progress to something more? I think that before a label is placed, each other should be comfortable, totally comfortable with the person that nothing can break the bond that they share. I feel that they should may able to speak with respect, compromise and conviction without feeling like they are settling, having to be on edge or disagree to disagree. What is that anyway, to agree to disagree? That thing that you agree to disagree on will come up again and eventually, it will have to be dealt with. No, that shouldn’t be where relationships are concerned. No one should have to settle because there is someone out there for everybody, created especially for them. Sure, it may take a few wrongs to get to the right one for us but we will get there. The main problem we all tend to have is patience and understanding. Once those two things are in agreement, then the rest is easy-breezy!

We can all agree that women can sometimes be more serious than men but what about men, can a men be too serious? Well, let me answer that, hell yeah! Been there, done that one too! Let me just share my “growing pains” as I call it now. I talked about the guy I dated, whom I met on the internet in my last series, who I found out that was allowing me and some other woman to share the same damn toothbrush. (Yes his trifling ass did that! Sadly, it is a true story, that Bastard!!) Wu-sah, I’m good! I just needed to calm down and breathed a minute. That was some serious shit! Anyway, let’s move on. He was fun and loving at first but turned out to be a total stranger. I thought we were friends but four months of getting to know someone is clearly not long enough. This man was so serious or should I just jealous that he used to sit outside of my apartment, waiting for hours just to see if I had company. One day, I saw him and asked him what his deal was. I know, most of you are probably shaking your heads and saying I should have put him to stepping but I didn’t. He said that he was just being concerned and wanted to make sure nothing happened to me. (I thought that because of his job, which I will keep untold, that he was just looking out of me. Boy was I wrong!) Anyway! Things got way out of hand when we ran into one of my old friends from a place I used to work at the mall. Yes, it was a guy and we exchanged hugs. Let’s just say if looks could kill, I wouldn’t be writing right now. He waited patiently while I caught up with the guy. He even laughed and joined in the conversation. (I was like “oh my man is something else. Look at him being all sweet and friendly”) Needless to say, when we got to the car, he just turned and stared at me. He accused me of sleeping with the guy and that was not even because the guy was totally gay. He sat there, being too serious and ridiculous. Instead of just coming out and asking me if there was something between me and the guy, he just assumed there was. Now we all know what happens when we assume right! We make an “ass” out of ourselves. If we had been friends, I mean really had a solid friendship before labeling our relationship, then he would have known me better than that and I would have seen his seriousness or jealousness before that point.

I asked him to take me home and he did. But when I got ready to get out, so did he. Do you know this fool had the nerve to think that he was having sex with me after accusing me of sleeping with another man, who was genuinely a true friend of mine? In fact, I pushed the same friend away when I started seeing him because he didn’t think a woman and a man could be just friends. I know right, another sign that there was something completely wrong with him. When I finished telling him how silly he was and if he thought that he was about to get some good pussy, he decided to leave. I still remember some of the things I said and some of the words that came out of my mouth made my own ears ring. (Yeah, I can take it there if pushed to the point of no return and he pushed me there and beyond.) The next day when I came home from work, I noticed a few things out of place. As I changed my clothing, I got a call from another one of my friends, saying that a guy called him from my number, my home number. I was infuriated! This dude pretty much broke into my damn apartment, checked my answering machine, called numbers on my called ID and even read my journal. Now if that wasn’t being too serious, then I don’t know what is! That was psychotic. It way surpassed being too serious, don’t you think!

After that, I had my locks changed, telephone number changed and didn’t speak with him for months after that. I didn’t need that kind of “seriousness” “craziness” or whatever you want to call it in my world. Hell, he was beyond serious, he was crazy as hell! We talked from time to time if I just so happened to run into him but that was pretty much the extent of our relationship. There are other things that he did along our time together that will leave you speechless but I will talk about them as they come up. I wonder if he still doing that or has gotten put in his place by now? (Well, not really! I am just glad he is where he is and I’m where I am) I know we as women can get a bit carried away in relationships but I feel only when provoked. I personally don’t like conflict or arguing, so nothing good could have come from that situation. I say all this to say, don’t be too serious when you should be just having fun. No one wants to be with someone so serious that they feel too uncomfortable just having them meeting his/her friends, family and other important people. (And let me just add, no one in my family liked his ass. The few friends that he did meet told me that I could do so much better. When I finally started to believe that, my life was almost ruined. Again another time for all that drama) I think that those people who are that serious turn out to be overprotective, abusive or worse. Whether man or woman, life is supposed to be lived to the fullest, with someone you can be open with through any given situation. Don’t push someone meant for you away by, not letting them see the fun and exciting you. But also be able to show that you can and will be serious when the time comes. Remember that dating, then friendship is the best way to start a relationship that will potentially turn into something more in the future. Learn to laugh at yourself, not take yourself so seriously and then you will know when someone else is doing the exact same thing or if it is their true personality. The more you observe or spend time with a person, the more valuable information you will gather, whether good or bad. This will save time and effort for the right person! Relationships should be something to make you smile, not become a pain in your ass! So I say, date, become friends and then go from there. You will know if something more is there. You will be able to feel it in your gut, whether good or bad. Don’t just jump into a relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. Don’t just keep quiet when something is bothering you. If the two of you are friends, communication shouldn’t be an issue, ever! No friendship or relationship is perfect but remember that it can be perfected along the way when both persons involved are willing to take what’s necessary to do so. Nothing good in life comes too easy because if it does, it will most definitely leave too quickly!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex (Part 7) "Take What You Learn and Help Yourself and Others Grow"


When I thought about doing a series for my blog, I initially didn’t know what subject and approaches to take in order to make the series relevant or insightful to everyday people and their everyday relationships. The more I thought, the more ideas came regarding the topic of choice, sex. Sex covers a multitude of information. It is entertaining, diverse, interesting and more importantly what many people can relate to and want to know more about. (The more you know, the more you grow, right! Knowledge is POWER) Adding or should I say, finding the right words and flare to speak about sex became more broaden as the journey progressed and ultimately became something passionate for me to speak openly about. True, the subject is considered taboo, touchy and off limits, which many people find embarrassing or offensive but I took it as a way to connect people to different levels regarding sex, to help make relationships better, learn how to spice things up and bring insight and romance back as it should be. Knowing what others do in relationships can help others get there or come up with other ways to take their relationship to the next level. Why not share something that has worked for you? Why not help others achieve happy endings, beautiful beginnings and wonderful in betweens? The world would not have so many bitter, uptight people, walking around all today generating negative energy into the atmosphere, I believe. The responses and feedback I received were astounding. Many people connected to the topics. They posted comments or sent emails thanking me for speaking about sex so openly and without reserve.

As I tell anyone, I am no expert nor do I claim to be, but if my life experiences can help someone, if only one person, along their journey to become a better partner, spouse, lover or friend, then my intent was successful. I don’t have to reach anyone at all because I write because of my passion for it. Writing is therapeutic for me. It gives me nothing more than to listen to the thoughts in my head and bring them to life on paper. I believe that if one is given a gift, it should be shared to touch and help others find their own. It just so happened that this time, sex was the catalyst. I do plan to do other series and speak about other topics pertaining to passion and pleasure and yes, I am going to get back to my stories. Someone asked me when or if I would be posting new erotic tales and the answer is, of course. Chillax, they are going to be more vivid and better than before. (Trust and believe)LOL

First, I discussed GREAT SEX, which created a buzz of emails asking to say more and thanks for all the insight. Do you know one young woman told me that she thought she was having great sex until she read my blog about the subject? She confessed that she learned that she was the giver and was only receiving little to nothing, but because she was always left with a few “happy endings” she just took that as great sex. She said many of her girlfriends weren’t achieving orgasm during sex, and she felt as if she were the lucky one. Now, I was shocked! I didn’t think speaking openly about this topic would hit so close to home. She was very comfortable sharing her story and after speaking a few times, she thanked me and asked that I continue to speak about such topics. She said that many people, women especially need to know if they are giving too much and not receiving as should. I smiled as I listened to this bright, passionate young woman speak with such conviction, confidence and charisma. All I can say is that whoever her lover is/was, they should have basked in her light and felt honored to have such a wonderful woman both inside and out as their mate. It’s hard to find a giver when you’re a giver. Most people only want to receive and give nothing in return.

I am glad that I know from talking to others that there are still some out there who value, cherish and will do above and beyond to be a great lover and give plus receive great sex. Kudos to all who apply!!! You are truly diamonds, and soon you will get cut into the perfect silhouette, which the right person will cherish and value for a lifetime.

Next, I discussed “making love”. Some people misconstrue the difference between sex and making love. True they are one in the same but making love goes deeper. It really opens up the soul, ignites the heart and triggers the mind. Once all three components are on the same page, a magical thing happens. We become all dreamy, gushy, and smiley-faced that the world just seems a better place. The fact that you are not alone in this makes it all worth much more. It’s already hard enough to find a lover so openly in tuned to his/her sexuality, that once the act of making love is added into the equation, the relationship blossoms into something enduring, solid, unbreakable, strengthening the bond between the two persons involved. When you see a couple with all of those things intact, you will know. They give off energy like no other. The passion is so intense and intoxicating that you cannot help but notice it and become drawn to them. You simply want to know their secret. Well, making love puts a relationship on that level.

Thirdly, oral sex was discussed. Many people are too afraid even mention the two words in the same sentence in fear that the wrong person will hear and their persona can be damaged, thought of as easy, loose or being promiscuous. Yeah, we have all heard it before. Is that really how you want to live your life? Do you want people to define you and the way you express your love and passion forward your lover? Now don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to discuss what goes on in your bedroom with anyone because really, it isn’t any ones business. But, being an adult, we can speak freely, openly and honestly with no judgment. If you are in a circle of individuals where you cannot do this, then you are clearly befriending the wrong people. Friends should be able to talk about any and everything without feeling ashamed, afraid and dirty. I personally, don’t see anything wrong with oral sex. I just have a problem with those who chose to put his/her mouth on everybody they come in contact with. Oral sex in special, a way to surpass your desire for your lover, it creates new boundaries in a relationship that keeps it fresh, enchanting and never boring. Now, you don’t have to perform oral sex in get there in your relationship, that isn’t what I’m saying but it can transform your relationship. Many people don’t like or want oral sex and that is great, but I think they are just people who haven’t gotten their yet. It does take effort, openness and communication in a relationship if oral sex is into play. One may not be comfortable or never done it before, but once the subject is discussed, who knows where things will lead.

Next up, Swingers were discussed. I didn’t know much about that particular topic but a friend asked me to speak about it and I did. The more I researched, the more I learned and wanted to know. Everything was done in class, sophistication and was sensual even. I am not a fan of swinging but I also don’t knock those who are. Whatever helps or works to spice up relationships and keep them from ending, go for it! Who am I to say what or what doesn’t work? I asked the questions, is swinging and cheating the same thing? I got an array of answers but one stood out most. The answer I received was, “if both individuals involved in the relationship are on the same page were swinging is concerned, then it’s not cheating? But if one does it behind the others back or anything without of marriage, then it’s called cheating no matter how you look at it”. Enough said, let’s move on!

Romance was then talked about. There was so much to be said regarding that topic and so I did. Romance is beautiful, sexy and a way to keep things spicy between you are your lover. Showing actions is sometimes better than words were romance is concerned. Many people don’t really know how to be romantic or know when someone is being romantic when it is right in front of their faces. It takes a strong person to be romantic because they are opening themselves up to rejection. All people are not willing to just become vulnerable, to prove to someone that they love and appreciate them. It’s sad but true. Mostly men have a problem with being romantic in fear that it makes them look weak, whipped or like a wimp. Let’s get one thing straight and clear, NO IT DOES NOT!!! Women love, love, love romance. We love our men even more when they are romantic, hell we will show them in every way just how much we appreciate it too, hence great sex, making lover, oral sex and romance. See all of the topics are tied together at some point in time. We just have to know when to and what works well together and become creative after that. Romance is tricky but well worth it in the end. Keep trying, the person who deserves it, is out there waiting!

Lastly, talking dirty in the bedroom was discussed. This particular topic made me smile because only years ago, I was one of those people who found it dirty, disgusting and downright unacceptable. But you know what, I grew the hell up and now I can barely keep my damn mouth closed. Yes, I sometimes have to put a pillow over my face or bit my bottom lip or claw into my lover’s back or anything else to keep from being exposed to children, neighbors or whoever is around. I laugh just thinking about it because it heats up sex times a million and brings out something in you and the other person involved. Talking dirty isn’t bad. It is something most couples have to communicate about beforehand. That way, if one is so into it and start calling the other some pretty sexy and intense words, the other person will know that it is nothing personal, just an expression of how good the loving is. So, laugh, enjoy and have fun! Remember, “Talking Dirty” can open up new doors for endless possibilities to your bedroom activity, creating blissful passion and unwavering pleasure to both you and your lover. Try it! What do you have to love!

So, as I close this series on sex, I get ready to begin a new, more broaden topic on relationships. If anyone has a topic he/she wants to discuss regarding relationship, feel free to leave a comment and I will do my best to speak honestly and openly about it. I welcome all comments and feedback. You can always remain anonymous if you are not comfortable giving your name. This is not a blog to discourage or defeat anyone, rather to encourage, empower and build up. Reaching passion and pleasure mind, body and soul, are my main goal for this blog and therefore, I will do my best to achieve that. I know that not everyone will agree or take my advice and I don’t want anyone to feel as if they are obligated to. I just simply want to provide information, life experiences, and resolution that have worked or not so much for myself. I look forward to our next series and welcome all to share the blog with friends, family, spouses, lovers or anyone else. The more, the merrier. If we work together, we can transform our planet into happy, insightful, open-minded, communicators, which will make living in this world better. Bitter, uptight people won’t stand a chance. Knowledge is powerful so offer some of your own to those who you see in need. If they don’t take or accept then you can honestly say that you tried. Knowledge isn’t something you can force, it has to be wanted, desired, relevant to those who receive it.

Stay tuned!!!

September: Relationship series  


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex(Part 6) "Talking Dirty"

“Talking Dirty” ---Freedom of speech is part of the American Dream why not make it a part of the BEDROOM?

For those of you who are regulars to my blog then you already know that I don’t have a problem with expressing words, thoughts or anything else for that matter when it comes to my writing. If this is your first visit, you may as well prepare your mind right now. You are in for a real treat. I am very open, raw and uncut. Besides, is there any other way to be? I think not. How will you get your point across, let others know what’s on your mind or let your lover know when, what, where and how you like it? If you have “sensitive ears” stop right here, click on the x in the upper right cornerof your computer screen and you won’t have to say “did she just say what I thought she said” or rub your head. It gets that deep. I watched someone reading one of my stories today and she was rubbing her head, scratching her hair and blushing all at the same time. There is nothing wrong with voicing your concern. In fact, I welcome it tremendously. Who in the hell wants to be bothered with a boring ass lover or read a boring story, on a passion blog? Well, I used to be one of those people and quickly realized that that wasn't the live I wanted to have. I look a good look in the mirror and saw the sexy, confident woman staring back me and smiled. A new me or should I say, the real me, was awakened. Being sexual isn't a bad thing per se, but there is always the way in which it is presented to others as well as yourself. If you can't even tell yourself how sexy you are in the mirror, how will you accept a compliment from others or feel sexy in your own skin? I tell myself all the time and there are quite a few days when I don't feel sexy, that is called being normal. There will definitely be times when we just want to stay in bed, with our heads covered, away from everyone. That is when we have to use different methods to bring our sexy back! I personally feel that "talking dirty" is one of those such methods. It opens up a new world, to a new you and ultimately to new things.

How many times have you been with or heard about someone being with a boring, selfish, think they are the bomb, lover? (I am a nineties child, so yes, I said bomb)Did we sympathize or think about our own dreadful experiences. How, I have always been able to spot someone, especially a woman who has had her world rocked the last before, with incredible sex, from an unselifish and incredible lover. Think about it, she is probably very independent, successful, out-spoken and confident. Men, love women like that. Hell, women love women like that. Who wants to babysit someone's ego every day or every time you bother to go there with them? So, what I'm saying is simple, use your mouth and you can feel free to take that anyway you like, to verbalize your likes and dislikes. Come on, at least say to your lover that it feels good or something. Let them know that you are still into it, awake, want to continue or that they are handling their business. That way, at the end of the day or night or whenever you get it on and you are left unfulfilled and mad as hell, you can’t blame anyone but yourself. Been there, done that! Never again in life! I find that “talking dirty” spices up one’s sex life times a million. It feeds something within, bringing out a raging BEAST!!! Try it, I dare you! Hell, if you say the right things to your lover, he/she will put in more effort and do any and every thing to please you even more and vice versa. Pumping up someone's head is always the way to get what you want. It has been done for decades and will never change. If you don't or won't, someone is already standing in line waiting for the right opportunity to do so.

You don’t have to be like a porn star or curse like a Sailor, unless you want to be, but words speak volumes. You never know how the other person will respond unless you just go for it. Who knows, the both of you might love it and create something new, that only the two of you know about. Hell, if walls could talk, I know a lot of us would probably be too ashamed to even leave the house. I would.  Our parents, friends and children would probably look at us in a whole new light and not in a good way. Sometimes I think about some of the stuff I did with my lips and mouth and have to stop and shake it off before kissing my kids. It’s sad but I know I am most certainly not the only one. Mommy and Daddy do play when their little asses are away, asleep or even in the next room. “Talking dirty” is what you make it. The words you chose or simply that, yours. No one can tell you what’s right, wrong, dirty, too vulgar or anything else. If your lover finds them offensive, then get another lover. (Just kidding) Really, I’m not but you do you, okay. Sometimes it may take a while to become comfortable with someone before you can finally break out of your shell. No seriously, just ease into it slowly. Say something like, “Oh baby that feels so good” “Yes, right there” “Work it” “Faster” “slower” "harder" "softer" things like such. Once you see what kind of response you receive, then you will know just how far or open you can become. I was having a conversation with my best friend and we got to talking about “dirty talk” in the bedroom or should I say as she calls it, "getting booty". (Yes, people do still call it that!!!) LOL The bedroom isn’t the only place you can talk dirty, right! Anyway, I shared with her some of the things I’ve said and she was speechless. She was shocked because she didn’t know I had it in me. There is nothing better than a lover who is so open-minded, who brings out those types of things. Who makes you want to do things, naughty things, things you haven’t want others to know you do, to them. If you not there yet, it will come. If you know what I’m talking about, then you probably can’t wait to get your hands on whomever it is that does that for you.

Think about it for a second. Who better to converse with than your lover? You know and trust that person enough to take it to the next level of your relationship, friendship or whatever the case. If you sleeping together, you have already crossed a line, so you might as well keep it sexy, that way, you don’t become boring out of your damn mind and never want to see or speak to them again. Yes, it happens! Verbal expression will allow you to share and know just what each other like, dislike, want, desire and everything else in between, hence GREAT SEX!!! No, AMAZING, MIND-BLOWING, TOES-CURLING SEX!!!!

Until you get there, take it easy for now. Some people have to warm up before their full potential is exposed. I don’t think it’s a bad time at all. In fact, I believe that relationships grow, communication isn’t an issue, and sex becomes a major priority, like a drug and you can’t get enough. Hell, think about it, if “talking dirty” is involved in intimacy, then two of the three things most relationships end in are taken care of, sex and communication. I bet you can have an entire conversation about finances and other important things then. For example: The two of you are enjoying sex, it’s feeling incredible and then suddenly one of you brings up dinner. I bet the conversation will go a little like this,

Example 1:

“Baby what you wanna have for dinner tonight?”   
“Turn over.”

Example 2:

“So what you wanna do tonight Babe? You wanna go out for dinner?”
“Meet me in the room in ten minutes.”

Example 3:
“How was your day today, Sweetie? You hungry?”
“Oh, Mr. Clark got on my last nerve. I am so sick and tired on his old ass.”
“Oh yeah, come here sat on my lap and tell me all about it.Let me lick all of your cares away.”

Who wouldn't want open-conversation like that? Anyway, you get what I’m saying. Each conversation went back to sex and because it was so smooth, one didn’t dare correct the other or get offended because of their profound communicating outside and in the bedroom. It was so on the same level that they knew just what to say to answer each question with the correct responses.  If sex was open-conversation, everyone would love, love, love expressing themselves. You can talk about bills, babies, backing it up, blowing, and any other b words or anything else for that matter. Every letter of the alphabet could be discussed. Nothing would be off limits. Now ya’ll probably think I’m crazy but sex is a weapon, plus it’s the truth. Most women tend to get their way by using sex to do just that. “Rolling right, while riding dirty can get your hair done, nails did, everything done. (Oh you fancy huh) Drake knew what the hell he was talking about when he came up with that song. And if you really want something special, like a new designer handbag or red-bottom shoes, don’t even mention “licking” and “lollipops” in the same sentence. Hey, I’m just saying! But it works both ways. Men can get fed in the bedroom and dining room on a daily basis and more often than not, he doesn’t have to leave one or the other to end with a satisfied belly. “Talking dirty” can make us want to cook, clean and everything else for our lover if the conversation is right. Sex can, great sex can make us do things we normally wouldn’t do, especially when you love the person and they can take care of business right. Am I right or am I right? Sometimes we tend to take more from a person because the sex is spectacular. I often wondered why I saw women and men both being treated badly in relationships, which stayed but I can honestly say I understand. Now don’t take this the wrong way because I am not advising anyone to stay with someone who treats them badly. I am only saying that I understand. Great sex is hard to come by, so when you have it, you tend to want to keep it to yourself. You become selfish. You don’t want anyone to have what you have.  
Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with taking your relationship up a notch by adding dialogue to intimacy. Do whatever works. Holler, scream, yell, curse, slap, punch, if that gets the job done and you both, a happy ending or two, go for it. “Talking dirty” is what you make out of it. I know several couples who do it. They are some of the happiest, annoying people you will ever meet. I guess because their sex-life is so wonderful, they don’t seem to let anything bother them. Would it be so bad to be like that? Imagine walking around singing “la-le-la-le-la” all day without a care in the world, thinking about some of the things you and your lover said to each other the night before. What about receiving a dirty text message from them saying what they wanna do you do when they see you? What about sending a dirty text message telling them how you gone tear that ass up but in more expressive way? That just put a big silly smile on my face because I send and receive such texts. Sue me! Life is too short to go through it bitter, negative and sexually unsatisfied. The choice is yours. Do something about it. A little “talking dirty” ain’t never hurt nobody! Well, maybe it has, ha-ha!!!!!(And yes, I know there are a lot of double negatives in that last sentence but you get what I’m saying) And in that case, like Tupac said, “I ain’t mad at ya, I ain’t mad ya” Do whatever it takes, seriously! I would go more into detail but some of you all are not ready. Just refer back to a few, just a few is all it will take of my stories and I promise if you didn’t know how or what to say, you will. Until then, be kind, be real and be safe. Those three things will change your life and everyone around you, leaving you a better person from it. Don’t take yourself too serious. Learn to laugh at yourself. Smile more often and like the title of Tyrese Gibson’s new book, “Get out of your own way”. And always remember, talking is how we as people communicate best, why not add a little something extra into those conversations!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex (Part 5) "Romance"


Okay, I must admit that I love old black and white classic love stories. They give me hope that romance still exists and will never die. I love when the man lets the woman go only to suddenly realize that she is the love of his life, which goes anywhere to find her, express his undying love and then they begin their journey together. Yeah, I know. It sounds corny, unrealistic but I am still a believer that romance never dies. Romance is powerful, pivotal even, to any relationship that tends to survive.  Romance is like poetry. It takes you on a ride of emotions, feelings, gratification, intensity, freeing your mind to the endless possibilities of love. If you get a minute watch “Love Story”, you will laugh and cry from the two lovers in the tale. It is really one of the best movies ever made. No lie!!! But it is a real tear-jerker. Have your tissue ready, you will need about a box.

Romance seems to find me when I least expect it. I can be driving along in my car and a song comes on the radio. I smile because it has great meaning and such romantic flare, that I find myself smiling, singing along and unable to get to my guy fast enough. I wouldn’t call myself a “helpless romantic” but I do have a few ideas swirling around in my head that will give them a run for their money. Have you ever just picked up a card from the store for your special someone, just because? Have you ever bought their favorite thing just to see the smile appear on his/her face when they see it? If not, you should start. These are the first and small things to the beginning of your romantically enhanced future. Who doesn’t like to be pampered or spoiled even? Nothing screams romance more than the “little things”. There is nothing more romantic than coming home and dinner is cooked, candles lit, and your favorite glass of wine greets you. Some may call it wishful thinking or think that such thing does not happen, but I can honestly say that it does. I can be feeling sick or just not quite myself and my guy can leave the house and come back with my favorite candy bar or something simple that he knows I love. He can touch me in a certain way that somehow brightens up my day. He can smile and my world is OKAY. If that isn’t romantic then what is? It’s not the size or the gift; it’s simply the thought, the effort, the kind gesture to do something to show your appreciation for the other.

I find watching football, lying on the sofa, eating junk food, romantic. There is nothing more romantic to me than seeing my man interact with the TV screen, rooting for his favorite team or the underdogs with him getting all worked up at a bogus call or score from the opposing team.  Seeing him laugh at me because I get so wrapped up in the game I get a little bit overexcited. Yes, I love, love, love me some football!!! (Two more weeks, BABY!!) What tops that is, getting a quickie during halftime, with promises to have your own overtime later on. Damn, romance can come in many forms. It all depends on the people involved. True, getting all dressed up, going out to a fancy restaurant for dinner and just basking in the company of each other is romantic, but I like being more creative than that. Hey, we can dress up and go eat any day of the week, but me giving a much needed back rub, making some brownies and just spending some quality with our fingers intertwined, some alone time with my guy is way more romantic. I say, use your own special ways to be romantic, bring joy to your special someone. They will in turn go out of their way to return the favor.

Romance is defined as: to court or woo, treat with ardor or chivalrousness, sentiment, emotion or desire. If two people love each other, they tend to want to express it through many things. Romance should be top of such list but whatever works, go for it! This also makes making love ten times more intense, pushing both of your emotions to the next level. Great sex is defined by romance, and romance gives unspoken permission to spice things up, try new things, or simply put it on them in a way that they are left speechless, rubbing their heads, and ready for round two and three. Yes, romance can do all of this and more for your relationship. Can being in the same room, doing completely opposite things, with the person you love, be romantic? Hell yeah! Those, I find are the most romantic moments we share that we can look back on during terrible times in life or relationships. Bad things will happen but I believe that good things outweigh the bad any given day of the week. Life will most definitely throw curve balls, leaving us sometimes broken. We may want to give up, let up and move on but that is when romance steps in and turn those harsh times into life’s lessons, we overcome. I was feeling a bit romantic earlier today and wrote a poem to express my emotions. I will share it with you all. I hope you can receive the romantic underlining I was experiencing as I gave words a voice, bringing them to life. Here goes.


Can you open up my heart
Seal it with a kiss
Promising to never cause it any pain 

Can you whisper into my ear
Sweet words of passion
Consoling the depths of my soul
Leaving me breathless

Can you gaze into my eyes
Until pleasure consumes my inner-ability
To release waves of penetration
Causing overwhelming joy

Can you make love to me
Without touching my body
Providing internal stimulation to my spirit
Leaving me high

Can you give all of yourself to me
And only me
Loving me without regret
Making love to me emotionally
Kissing me in places other than my lips
Expressing your undying desire

Can you let passion push us over the edge
Of reasoning
Bitch-slapping us eternally
Whipping us mindless
Wanting only each other
Until our time here is done and beyond

Can you promise to be mine
My soul mate
My best friend
My all or nothing
Creating in me the perfect ending
To our love story
Thickening the plot along the way

Can you take my heart
Guard it with your own
Never leave it broken or in pain
Simply let nothing tear us apart

Can you let romance conquer us
Capture our souls
Murder our spirits
Constrict our minds

Can you…

So this is how I was feeling and this is what poured out of the depths of my soul. I love poetry. Poetry has given me ways to express my romance. It pulls from deep within and brings forth words you wouldn’t usually speak to the one you love. It doesn’t have to rhyme, make sense to anyone but you and the one intended, becoming more powerful than imagined, hence romance.  Romance to me is like a mother’s love when you are dealing with a horrible experience, wrapping you in her arms, letting you know that you are not alone. (I know that was deep but so is romance) It sometimes catches us off guard, capturing us, leaving us speechless. I put together a romantic playlist, which I will share below. I promise, if you didn’t think you had any romance in you, you will after listening to this playlist. I wish I could just add the songs to my blog but I still don’t know how to do that. I will figure it out, promise! I have created more than one but this is the one I will share today. (Ya’ll gonna have to pay me for the other ones. One of my close friends got a copy of it from me and told me that she almost got pregnant just listening to it on her way to work. Now you know that is so serious shit. And from a playlist that I put together, yeah I need to get compensated, fa real!!) LOL

Have you ever seen a couple holding hands, walking together without a care in the world? I love seeing that. They may have just had a fight or argument but because of the romance soaring through them, they overcome their disagreement, whatever it may be and give in to the intoxicating romantic flare generating from each other. I think having strong romance in any relationship ultimately leads to great sex, mind-blowing love making, indescribable passion and the best pleasure one could imagine. It makes you think, huh! It should.  Even people who haven’t been in serious relationships possess romance. It sometimes takes another romantic person or should I say “the right person” to open them up to the thought of giving all of them to another. I knew a few people like that but romance captures them harder in the end. They are the best lovers, givers and providers. They want nothing in return, which makes the one receiving want to give more.

Even if you have been bitten, done wrong or taken for granted in past relationships, don’t let that cloud your mind, steal your passion or push romance out of your heart. There is someone out there for everyone and sometimes it take a few wrongs to prepare us and get us to our right. Don’t look or dwell on the past. True, life experiences should be shared to help us all get past them, to grow and encourage others, but don’t allow them to make you bitter. Don’t turn into the receiver, giving nothing at all. This is the easiest way to push the person intended to be your heart’s keeper, away for good. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not to world’s romantic person nor do I think I know everything there is about romance, but I am pretty confident in my ability and openness to try. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!” 

Often times we tend to lose sight of what our relationships really mean to us and someone always feel unappreciated. I know too many stories, saw too many movies, read too many books about this madness and the only thing I can say to fix this problem is to embrace your romantic side. Do something for your mate that you wouldn’t usually do. Leave them a little love note in a place they will look and find it, that will make them smile. Send a sexy text message. Kiss them while they are asleep, waking them up to make love. A simple gesture means more than you know, trust me. They will thank you generously and in more ways than you can even fathom. I dare you to try it and see how much better your relationship becomes. And believe you me, I am not the world’s-best at relationships but I have been in a few, saw others and took notes, pointers from them all. I am a great catch though!

Nothing is life is perfect except love. Romance just helps tie up all the loose ends. So with that being said, treat your mate like your favorite pair of shoes. Don’t walk them through the mud, scratch them up, throw them in a corner, or leave them out for the dog to chew them up. Nurture them, protect them, love them, admire them, and floss them. There is nothing more that looks great on a woman other than a sexy pair of shoes, than a smiling guy, thinking about how lucky he is to have such a beautiful both inside and out, caring and loving woman by his side. His entire day could have been F’ed up but the mere thought of the way his woman shows her appreciation and desire for him will make it completely disappear. Like one of the songs from my playlist “Nothing really matters at all”, find anyone and speak on that topic and see what he/she has to say about the matter. I can guarantee they smile or blush and tells you about the special someone in their life. Romance, my friends, takes the relationship to the next level and beyond if your creative juices are flowing. Let your mind use you to bring forth and play out different scenarios. Share them and help others achieve their romantic expertise, should I say. If romance wasn’t taken so lightly, the world we live in would be a much brighter, happier and amazing place. The stars and the moon would be envious that they only get to be part of it only part of the time. The sun would smile when the wind blow and each day we would have raindrops because rain couldn’t stay away from the glow surrounding the human race, wanting to feel what has everyone divine.

For now, here is the playlist I created. It is called “LOVE LETTERS” For a romantic evening with your special someone, put this on, lit some candles and enjoy where the evening goes. Open your mind and let romance run free!

1 Come Away With Me---Norah Jones
2 Say Yes---Floetry
3 No Ordinary Love---Sade
4 Nothing Even Matters—Lauryn Hill
5 All I ever think about—Chrisette Michelle
6 That’s the Way Love Goes—Janet Jackson
7 Your Love’s Supreme—Chante Moore
8 I Nominate You—Fantasia
9 Motivation—Kelly Rowland
10Giving Myself—Jennifer Hudson
11Pieces of Me—Ledisi
12I Think I love you—Algebra
13Never Gonna Let you go—Faith Evans
15Make Love—Keri Hilson

To listen to this playlist, you can follow me on Ping. My username is Keke Chanel. There you can listen to all the playlist I upload, starting with the one listed above.

Ladies especially, if your guy doesn’t feel special and you haven’t been bitten by the romance bug after allowing the sultry sounds of these women take ahold of you then it’s just not in you. I get worked up just thinking about what the night will bring and just how romantic we both can get. Add a bubble bath and it’s on! If you know what I mean! So, keep it real, keep it ready, and keep it romantic! Enjoy, have fun and live. Life is too short to go through too afraid to open up and allow nature to take its’ course.  Believe it in your heart, in your spirit, in your soul that romance will never DIE, as I do!

Let's Talk About Sex (Part 4)

“Swingers”--- Cheating or Not?

So, I was asked to talk a little about this particular topic. I wonder if the group Mint Condition knew when they wrote the lyrics “You send Me Swinging” that there was an entire community of individuals who didn’t take the phrase lightly. Yes, there are many people who welcome such lyrics, forming groups to take their sexual experiences to the next level.  For the month of August, I have been doing a series called “Let’s Talk about Sex” and surprisingly, I have gotten great feedback as well as topics others would like discussed during this series. Swinging was one of them. I didn’t know much about the term, but with the help of the World Wide Web, I am now more educated than I thought possible about this growing community in today’s society.

I guess one would most definitely have to be open-minded is an understatement, right! The more I researched, the more I became impressed. There are clubs nationwide that are classy, upscale and sensual to say the least. There is a membership were fees are paid. There is testing so that everyone knows that whomever they become free and embrace their wild side with isn’t exposed to any non-wanted diseases. There are no pressures into doing anything you don’t want to do. One can simply go there to observe, learn or grow from the experience.  There are monthly calendar events, detailed, to the point and with no hidden agendas. The atmosphere looks inviting, comfortable and creates a welcoming, free-flowing social d├ęcor, so that anyone isn’t pressured or expected to take part in anything they are not dedicated 100% to take part in.

Swinging has been around for ages, only more couples nowadays are receptive to branching out and trying new endeavors. Some couples use this experience to spice up their relationships. Some also use swinging as a way to become intimate with other people without feeling like they are cheating. Is this true? Is swinging considered cheating? If both individuals are willing to participate in the act, does it still count as infidelity? My answer is “YES”. Anything outside of marriage or a committed relationship is cheating. Does swinging justify cheating?

I looked up the term “swinging” in the dictionary and there are many definitions but these are the ones that stood out. This is what Webster defines it as: free and uninhibited sexually, exchanging spouses for sex, lively, active and modern, hip. Well damn, I really wasn’t expecting this when I first decided to look up this word. My face is frozen is time, with my mouth hanging slightly open. I am too outdone. Surprised and a little shocked that this is even in our dictionaries. I guess this is something much more practiced and accepted than I initially thought. I guess if SWAG is now added, why not swinging, right. Many words are added to the dictionary each year, but I am still dumbfounded about what the actual definition read.

If one is in a relationship and things are not going as they should, is it called swinging if one of the parties go outside of the relationship? After all, cheating is swinging from one person to the other. Let me is tell you what Webster defines this as. Cheating or cheater: to elude, to violate rules or regulations, to be sexually unfaithful. So with that being said, would one call swinging, cheating? I guess that can be easily debated in an ongoing discussion. It all depends on the individuals participating in the debate. So, if there are any out there with opinions or clarifications, feel free to post your comments. I knew that when asked to write about this particular topic that it would be touchy, but I found it broad and interesting. Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion and we do live in America, where freedom of speech is embraced. So, if there are people like me, who loves voicing or sharing their thoughts and opinions, please do. I don’t really have much more to say regarding this topic. I don’t think that I am as open-minded to go this far. Although I am very open and free to most things, I think that I may have to pass on swinging. As one of my best friends say, “Not my cup of tea”, so with that being said. I will move on to the next topic up for discussion. Stay tuned!

Next up: Part 5---Romance

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex (Part 3) "Does It Actually Melt in Your Mouth instead of Your Hand"

Can you be in a Serious Relationship without Oral Sex?
Okay, so we all know that sex is considered TABOO but there is one topic in particular that goes above and beyond that, Oral Sex. Yes, many of us have experienced oral sex at some point in our lives, if not, you never miss what you haven't had. Was it mind-blowing or like watching paint dry? I was twisting my hair today, thinking of nothing remotely close to sex but the question popped into my pretty little head. I sent out a mass text to my family, friends, classmates and a few other contacts just to see what the response would be. To my surprise, the texts came flowing in and the answers astounded me. Needless to say, the topic was embraced. People were very open about it and shared honestly and truthfully. I was shocked, impressed and proud.

Throughout the years women especially, have been taught that “good girls don’t do that” leaving a lot of us too afraid or just downright against even trying it. One answer that I received from a female, who I shall leave unnamed was, “I think that is nasty and I don’t do that. I will ever do that. If that is what it takes to keep a man, I will just be single for the rest of my life.” I was like, “DAMN!!! Girl, chill the hell out. It isn’t a matter of life or death. I was simply asking an innocent question. But don’t knock it til you try it.” Anyone who knows me would probably say that I will very out-spoken, competitive, adventurous and would try almost anything once, that way, if I don’t like something, I can honestly say that I don’t because I have tried it, instead of going on what others say about it.

Another answer that really got me going was, “No, because that is the only way I can achieve an orgasm. Sucks, I know. Lol” Now, I know that this is mainly something women experience, but if there are any men out there, please share. Leave a comment. There is a known fact that many women cannot achieve orgasm without stimulation to the clitoral area, whether by hand or mouth, if this is the only way to achieve orgasm, just have the “conversation” with your partner in the beginning of the relationship. That way, if he/she is not down, there is no time wasted and you can go on to the person out there waiting to make all your dreams come true. Make you see the stars, make your toes curl and ride the best wave of your life. Don't give up, lose hope, they are out there waiting.

On a more serious note, one of the best answers I received was from my aunt’s boyfriend. He is an older guy who obviously knows what he is talking about. He just broke it down and it will forever be broken. His answer was, “I feel that oral sex takes the relationship beyond physical. It shows the person that you have trust and honestly in your relationship. It takes your relationship to a place so beautiful and passionate that lets each of you know that there is not one else but the two of you.” I was just “Damn”. I really wasn’t expecting anyone to go that deep on me, but he said it with confidence, pride and great wisdom. I saw the whole thing as much more. Too many people do it to  any and every one that come in contact with that it becomes disturbing, disgusting even. There is nothing special about putting your mouth on everything with a damn face! I do agree that oral sex should be shared between two individuals on more than just a physical level. True, physical chemistry should be enough, but sex can become boring. We have to be able to spice things up a bit and use different techniques, toys, games, etc. to stay connected with each other. I just want to say “kudos” to him for really thinking about this topic and being open about it with me. And Auntie, I bet he is rocking your damn world, fa real!!! I ain't mad at you, at all!!! LOL

As I read each other response, many of the women said that they could be in a relationship without oral sex. A few said that they have been in relationships were they received and didn’t give and it worked out great. The question is: Are they still together? I was talking with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and he shared with me that he didn’t have to have oral sex. He said that it just didn’t do it for him. I told him that in order to enjoy and like oral sex, the one giving has to like and enjoy doing it. True, if you are in a situation where you’re on the receiving end of it and not enjoying it, you may shy away from it. But I say if the sex is so incredible, I don’t have to have it. (Now, that’s just me, so to each, their own.) Have you ever had Dick so good that you didn’t even care about foreplay? If you haven’t, Damn, but those of us who have, high-fives all around. Whew, just thinking about it makes me want to dance, scream, run and shout. As one of my classmates said, “Taste is one of the best gifts God blessed us with,” but "touch is even better".

The thing that got me was all the responses saying that some just don’t get it, know how to do it, and will probably never get it. This can turn anyone away from oral sex. Hell, who wants to even go there in the first place once you have gone there a time or two and received something so bad that you now have sworn it off forever. This can definitely make you look at oral sex in a new way, but on the other hand, if you receive some of the best and then receive some of the worse, what happens next? Would you become the teacher or simply walk away from the relationship? “Anyone, feel free to comment on that, please. Inquiring minds wanna know.”  What if you have been with someone for a long time and oral sex never came up before and then the two of you decide to mix it up and try something new, and you the giver, give your all and he shows and tells you so, but as the receiver, you get disappointed as hell? What do you do? Communication is the best weapon to a successful relationship, isn’t it? My silly friend said that her man told her, "if you ain't sucking, we ain't fucking". Yes indeed!!! What about, "if you ain't eating, I don't need it?" Don't require and give nothing!! Hell!!

A few people were confused. My guess is that they have experienced both good and bad and are just confused at the moment because of whom they are with currently. Experience is the best teacher, so I say show and tell. What harm could it do? Some students become the best teachers and star students when given a little guidance. I also say that most people will know after a few conversations or time spent with their partners whether or not they will be compatible in the bedroom. Although looks can be deceiving, because I was once told that I was shy, timid and too goody-two-shoes, but Baaaabbbyyyyyy, let me tell ya!!! (Not even)  I can say that if one is not on that emotional level with his/her mate, the sex is going to be boring but once you get there, it will become the best sex of your life whether oral sex is a part of it or not. Trust and believe!

Some people need to feel a sense of security, level of confidence and be comfortable in a relationship with a person before it is taken to the next level of intimacy. Intimacy is tricky but well worth the wait. Becoming intimate isn’t about sex at all. In fact, being intimate doesn’t even have to require sex. You can gaze into his/her eyes, held hands, kiss their lips or just lay in their arms watching television and receive so much passion and intimacy than sex itself. Intimacy ignites passion, passion brings pleasure and with pleasure, sex goes to a special place we all wish to travel at some point in our lifetime. Some get there and sadly, some doesn’t and that will ultimately let one know that they are with the wrong person. Not that relationships are based on sex, but it does play an important rule. There are three things that can make or break a relationship: communication, sex and money. Right or wrong, let me know. (Leave a comment in the comment box) If I’m wrong, then I’m wrong but I don’t think that I am.

Another comment I received from a very good friend of mine was, “I think if I was married, then no. If I was with someone for a few years, then yes. But you know relationships have different meanings. Everyone doesn’t take them as serious. Some people want only oral sex when others think it’s just nasty.” I never really thought of it that way before. It opened up another question, could you be the only one giving and not receiving? Another friend of mine said, That's a no for me on and off the blog. I have been bitten by the oral sex bug unfortunately, so there you go. She shared that she gave and gave and gave, but didn't receive in the end. She said that whenever asked or not, she was on it, and he still didn't go there. Was he being selfish by allowing her to do it, even ask her to and not give himself? I didn’t ask that question but I do want to know what people have to say about it. I may ask later but those who are reading the blog feel free to comment. Your thoughts and comments are welcomed and needed. They help me to grow and speak openly about various topics that others think are off-limits. This is a passion blog and the best way to passion is through sex, so there you go. I will speak on it. Not everyone is going to agree, accept or like what I have to say, but so what! What fun is that anyway? I love a good debate and proving my point across. It helps me stay on my toes. Again, to each, their own right!

I am glad this topic found me and I was able to find you. Sex isn’t supposed to be something dirty, nasty, not talked about. I believe that anything done in good taste can bring great insight, motivation and appreciation to many others. Some people want to know what others think and how they resolve different issues. (Stick with me Kid we will work through them together!) I see people on a day to day basis who walk around uptight, bitter, corky, complete assholes. You think it's because they're not getting to their happy ending? Maybe they are givers who what to receive? I say to them, Wu-sah!!! But in the end if we are left unsatisfied, it is our fault. Use your mouth to voice your opinion, concern or rock someone's world. You chose. Let me know what happens. "Ya'll know I'm nosy!" Anyway, back to the question at hand, “Can you be in a serious relationship without oral sex?” You let me know!!

Next Up: Let’s Talk about Sex Part 4: Swinging
(Only the open-minded need to read)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex (Part 2)

 Making Love

When we find that special someone in our lives, we tend to want to express our love differently with that person. We open ourselves completely, giving our all to make and show them how much they mean to us. We are even more blessed when they feel the same way about us and give themselves as well. Sex is an expression of our attraction of a person but I feel that making love takes that up a notch or two or three as an expression of our love and desire. Our hearts are immersed, our souls are one and our minds just cannot seem to stay off each other. Thinking of that person is all that enters your mind. Whenever you are not together, your heart aches longing to be next to them, hold them, caress them, kiss them and feel the intense passion burning within you. As my last post states, great sex is amazing but the art of making love trumps that like the suit of spades in a card game. Nothing beats that feeling, ever!!!

Making love is like, a cool breeze passing over the ocean at sunset, it captures all of you, leaving you fascinated, intoxicated, lost. It’s like seeing a rainbow peeking out in the sky after a thunderstorm. It’s like smothered chicken, rice and gravy, macaroni and cheese, sweet potato pie. It leaves you floating outside your body, watching life past you by. Making love is like music, soothing to the soul. I can describe it as so many things but you would be reading for hours, so I’ll just stop with those. I get caught up just thinking about it. Once you have experienced what it’s like and with the right person, you can speak openly, boldly, effortlessly about it. You can tell things you usually wouldn’t express yourself through body movements, with all of yourself and not worry about feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

Sharing oneself is not to be taken lightly because let’s face it, heartbreak does occur. But, I would rather experience intense love, mad passion, great sex wrapped all in the art of making love with someone I gave my heart to, who feels the same way about me, than to have given my heart and body to someone simply because it was just something to do or being too afraid to take a chance on love, any day. What is the saying, “it’s better to have loved than to have never loved at all” or something to that effect. If anyone knows the right quote, please post it in the comment box. I don’t like messing up such beautiful words. Being in love is never easy but the reward is worth it. The way your heart flutters. The way your eyes smile. The way you cannot get the silly grin off your face in time when he/she walks into a room, the way when you kiss, it leaves you breathless. The way when you make love for the first time, you want to cry because your soul high-five’s your spirit, while your body cheers victoriously.

Don’t be fooled. There will be obstacles along the way. There will be people who come into your life with bad and good intentions. Some people prey on hurting others, especially when love is concerned. If they think that they can get sex out of it, they try harder, stay longer and then when you open yourself up, give yourself completely, they charm the pants off of you (literally) and leave you asleep to wake up in an empty bed, with the aroma of lust slapping you in the face. Yes, it’s true, we have all probably been there, but don’t allow this to break your spirit, your perception of what love is and push everyone into that category. I was once that person and probably suffered more than anyone else because of it. When I did allow someone else into my life after being alone for a long period of time due to a failed relationship, it turned out to be a big deception. It’s always hard to lose your first love, right.

Allow me to share a little of what happened. We met on the internet. Yes, I know what you are probably saying, first mistake right! I know but it happened by chance, innocently enough. I was online just chatting with a friend and received an instant message. The message was short and sweet. It totally caught me off guard. “Hey Beautiful, your smile instantly grabbed my attention when I saw your profile picture and I just had to say something when I saw that you were online.” Now, who wouldn’t blush from a comment like that? Well, we began chatting that day. After a few days of that, he sent me his cell and phone number, which I found intriguing because most people who are into playing games wouldn’t normally give out their home number. I was impressed and felt special, so I called immediately. We talked for hours, about any and everything. He was great so far, but in the back of my mind I thought that this is too good to be true. I ignored that sign as most of us would have and three months later, we decided it was time to meet.

We went to one of my favorite restaurants, the olive garden. Now looks are not the first thing I look at when I meet a person. He wasn’t the most attractive man, but he smile made my heart go pitter-patter. He had nice eyes and white teeth, which meant he took care of his mouth. I cannot stand seeing someone with jacked up teeth. (Sorry, but it’s the truth!) He greeted me with a hug. It turned out to be a perfect date and the start of many. Anyway, the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know but still in the back of my mind, the little voice kept saying “be careful”.  Well, to make a long story short, I gave myself to him, thought he felt the same way and almost got the worse scare of my life. He was pure evil. Ya’ll, this dude was playing me so hard, and I still shake my head about some of the things he put me through. How many of you have ever found out that you and another woman was sharing the same damn tooth brush? Now you know that is something to send you to prison for a really long time. I am just glad God stepped in when he did or we wouldn’t be even discussing this topic, on my blog. (I don’t think prisoners have access to the internet like this.)

I can laugh about it now, but that was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. I am no longer ashamed about it because I know that I wasn’t and probably will never be the only one to ever endure such pain. The sad part about it all was that we weren’t the only ones he was playing, in fact, there were too many to count. Sure, there were always signs but we all tend to ignore or justify them when we think this is what we want. He almost ruined me, made me turn away from love, ever having sex or making love again. I didn’t trust anyone for a long time after that. I looked at all men as evil but I had someone in my life who listened as I vented, screamed, yelled and cried. He told me that it would be okay. He helped me more than he probably knows and I will forever be grateful to him for being my best friend. It took some time but I am a better person from that experience. If we encounter and endure hardship and come out growing and learning from it, I call it a testimony, but if we don’t learn or grow and get back into situations like them again and again, I call it stupidity. Besides, what good is a test without a testimony? The two are one.

Be careful, is the moral of my story. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. They do exist but don’t let this discourage you from giving love a fair chance. One thing I can say is, “always pay attention to the signs” they are always there, so in the end, when things don’t go according to plan or the way we think they should, we won’t be so amazed, caught off guard and quick to blame someone other than ourselves. Yes, making love is a beautiful thing. But doing it with the wrong person isn’t. Your heart, mind, body and soul can be greatly affected, leaving your spirit broken. Besides, you will know when the time is right, when you find the right person, because your heart will confirm it. Life is too short, so enjoy, have fun, live. All things come with time, in reason and will either last a season or a lifetime. A lifetime of happiness is always better than a lifetime of pain and heartache. And remember, make love but war! (Yeah, I know that that sounds corny, but the statement stands true.)

Share your past experiences. You never know how much they can truly help or encourage others. As I wrote in my last post, “Students are always the best Teachers”. I would rather help someone avoid experiencing some of the same things that I have along my journey, than to keep it to myself. Doing such act can leave a lot of great people bitter, hardhearted, selfish and miserable. But most important, don’t hold grudges. Nothing good ever comes from that. The same people who did you wrong are either doing the same to someone else or has finally changed and became a better person. Either way, they have moved on with their lives or you haven’t. That is no way to live. Let it go! Knowledge is power but life experiences are essentially powerful to leading healthy, happy and successful relationships. There is no better teacher than LIFE itself!    

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex (Part 1)

Great Sex

Sex, a topic considered by most as TABOO. But hey, let’s face it, everyone who is currently reading this blog at the moment has either had or is having great sex as we speak. Sure the subject is touchy, which I’ve learned that a considerable amount of people find discussing extremely sensitive or embarrassing. I am just lucky enough to have a small circle of friends who welcome and grow from such discussions, women especially. Although when we get together sex isn’t the topic of choice, it just always seems to become were the conversation goes. I believe that being able to talk and share with people you love and care for most, is essential to maintaining healthy relationships. Although our opinions sometimes differ, there is no right or wrong answer because everyone isn’t into the same things or at least hasn’t come in contact with his/her full potential (inner-freak). Great sex can be defined in many ways depending on the people you ask but I think mine come close to what we all wish to accomplish from the act. If you have your own, please by all means share. I am open to learning new things, to feed my most treasured muscle (my brain) on a daily basis. One can never have too much knowledge, wouldn’t you agree? Now, back to the subject, let me just share what I think great sex is and go from there. My definition of GREAT SEX is, reaching your full potential of climax (release), while experiencing intense passion and extreme pleasure, giving yourself totally and completely.

Many people don’t get to experience great sex until later in life, if at all. I personally didn’t receive my first orgasm until I was in my mid-twenties and not by penetration but clitoral stimulation. Most women don’t ever experience a vaginal orgasm, EVER!!! Unless one comes across a lover who is not selfish, who aims to please and who has no indiscretions when it comes to sex, one may never reach their prize called great sex, receiving the reward of orgasm. I pity those who haven’t gotten there yet, I was once a member of that club. (Boo-woo) That is when you have to take matters into your own hands (literary) and become the teacher. Who is better at knowing what one likes or dislikes than oneself? Don’t be embarrassed or prideful, too afraid to explore and become familiar with your body. Embrace it, learn it, feel what feels good or turns you on. Get to know your erogenous zones (points of sexual stimulation) so that you can teach or show them to your lover. What makes you want it? What gets your juices flowing? Whether it is a slight brush on your neck or a soft kiss on your shoulder, know it and relay the information. Besides, the more your lover knows or discovers about what turns you on, the more pleasure you receive, which in turns creates great sex.

Women especially, should know your scent or smell. Too many of us don’t know our natural scent so when a problem arises; it is hard to distinguish good vs. bad. I had the pleasure of having a great female Gyne, who didn’t have a problem being out-spoken. She was very informative, insightful and helped break me out of my shell, so to speak. She helped me become more comfortable with my body, answered questions, recommended books, techniques and other knowledgeable information regarding the female anatomy. I hate that I moved and lost her as my doctor. Today, I am a better person, woman and lover, who knows what she wants, needs and desires and who doesn’t feel the need or want to settle on anything less. I have been in a few situations where I had to do a little demonstration so that my partner could see and know just where and how I like to be touched. After all, if you are not willing to show and tell, you may end up highly unsatisfied, equally pissed off and one of those people who hasn’t experienced great sex. You can also become one of those people who don’t want anything more than to get as far away as possible from the person who screwed up but left you screwed, if you get what I mean. Some people are born to be great lovers, who listens, takes pride in pleasing instead of being closed-minded, selfish individuals; some just need a little guidance to get there. Being a teacher is not always a bad thing unless you have gone over the same lessons again and again and the student just doesn’t get it or care not to. Either way, it may be time to move on, for real! So my advice is to know your body!

Many people say that sex is overrated but I think the people who say that just hasn’t experienced great sex. Question, is it possible to have great sex without intimacy? I don’t know about you all but if there is no emotional intimacy, then there cannot be any physical intimacy. Yes it’s true, women are more emotional and men are more physical but the fact still remains that not everyone is meant to share your most prized possession and I’m speaking of the heart.  True, attraction is key but don’t turn your nose up at less attractive people. I’ve been told that they make some of the best lovers. (Lol) Once the heart is involved, I believe that intimacy grows immensely; therefore giving, suddenly becomes more important just as much as receiving were sex is concerned. How can one be a good lover if the only thing he/she wants to do is receive pleasure and offer nothing in return? There is nothing, I mean absolutely anything worse than a selfish lover. Don’t even get me started on that one! Relax, relate, release! Wu-sah and all that good stuff! (Lol) Another topic up for discussion! Seriously, who wants to deal with being left hot and bothered, having an itch that hasn’t been scratched or left hornier than when you first started? Bottom line, if you have a lover who is giving, loving, caring and open, please, please, please, thank your lucky stars. They are truly precious and rare!

Now don’t take this topic as a sign or go-ahead to just give your body to just anybody. I am definitely not saying that. There are three rules that I will share that I practiced along my journey, which kept me sane, with my freedom but most of all disease free in this complicated world. First, I believe that having only one lover at a time is essential and less stressful. I have never really got the whole deal of casual sex, multiple partners and all that nonsense but to each, their own, right. Secondly, be safe. It takes more than three dates to know a person and if the itch hits you, be responsible and use protection. Two consenting adults, who both share the same sexual appetite and agree on their terms, owe no explanation to anyone on what or whom they choose to share themselves with. Question: Why is it that when men sleep with several women at a time, they are considered “playas”, “the man”, a “Mack daddy” but when women do it, they are considered “loose”, “sluts”, “whores”, “trifling”? Maybe this should be a topic up for discussion. Anyway, thirdly, make sure when you take the next step in a relationship (sex) there are some kind of emotions involved. Or maybe not, like I said, these are the principles I used when I was out in the dating world. I just don’t understand how anyone can just give themselves without any type of feelings or emotions. Yeah, looks can turn you on and make you want to rip the clothes off a person when you see them, but what happens after that? What if they turn out to be seriously screwed up? Bottom line, just be cautious!

If these tips help someone along their journey “cool beans” and if not, keep doing you. Life is too short to live unhappy, settling, getting cheated of ever experiencing “great sex”. Remember, sometimes it’s better to become the teacher in order to receive the ultimate prize from your lover. Don’t be embarrassed to learn and know your body. Share the information with your lover so that he/she will know how to please you. Experiment, role-play, do things that you usually wouldn’t do to bring some kind of spice or spontaneity into the relationship. Having fun is key factor to a healthy sex life and any successful relationship. Laughter cleanses the soul, smiling brightens the spirit and great sex leaves everyone wondering where they can get some of what you got because the glow you give off is simply intoxicating, breathtaking and beautiful. Besides, in the end if you are the one always left unfulfilled or pissed off, there is simply no one but to blame other than you.  Ahh, got you pondering that thought, huh!

Next up: Let’s Talk About Sex Part 2 (The Act of Making Love)
Passion and Pleasure,
Keke Chanel