Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 1)

Can being too serious, ruin a relationship?

For the month of August I did a seven part series about sex, which received many comments and feedback and got great review. I was speaking with a couple of friends and decided that for the month of September I should do another series. The more I spoke with them, the more I thought about what my next topic should be. We have all experienced many different levels regarding friendships, dating and relationships, so what better subject matter? It was decided that relationships and dating be the focus for this month. I asked for suggestions and they came pouring in. These subjects are even more broadening than sex and we all know that sex goes above and beyond; taking several twists and turns along the way, so this month should be very interesting indeed. What better way to connect with others than speaking honestly and openly about dating and relationships. With a balance of both topics, this month should be very insightful, encouraging, which will help some dealing with such in their own relationships, get through the obstacles or decide whether or not the relationship is worth fighting for or taking to the next level.  So, sit back, relax and enjoy this month’s new topic: Friendship, Dating and Relationships!

Dating is something we all have experienced at some point in time. Some people tend to skip this phrase of the three and move right on to either a great friendship or jumping head first into a full relationship, putting a label on themselves without even getting to know their mate. I feel that dating prepares us all for what comes along with relationships. We get to date more than one person, determine what kind of man/woman we like, not have to worry about being dishonest about seeing other people and the list goes on and on. Would you say dating other people is cheating? I think that if you are just dating and it is expressed to all parties involved, it is not. But on the other hand, if you tell someone that they are the only one you are seeing and get caught up in a lie then it is. Playing with someone’s feelings, time and emotions are serious. So when dating, do just that and tell whomever you are dealing with, so there is no confusion. Dating should be fun, the best phrase of the relationship process. People have become blind during this phrase, thinking that just because they are seeing and getting to know more than one person, that they are cheaters. It goes back to being honest in the beginning, so that no one gets the wrong idea or gets hurt in the process. This also helps develop communication, trust worthiness and seeing how someone will take it when you let them know that you are just dating. This is essential before taking the next phrase into perspective. Dating should determine if the persons involved can get to the friendship level. If you can become friends, then there is most likely a great chance that you can enter into a relationship, a committed relationship. No more dating or seeing other people when the word “commitment” enters the scene.

I see different kinds of relationships on a daily basis whether on television, face-to-face or in books that I read, some good, some not so good. I love observing people and their interactions with one another. Sometimes I go to a public spot just to see how well couples relate to each other. Many times, I shake my head because it is the girl or woman who seems more serious or takes the relationship more seriously, than the male. Now, it is a known fact that girls mature faster than boys but in the long run, is that really a good or bad thing? Can being too mature push or pull our guys away? Is being so serious a flaw that makes the opposite sex afraid to settle down and commit? I’m not saying that a relationship shouldn’t be taken seriously but there is a different kind of seriousness, I think. For example, when you first meet someone, trying to get to know them, hence the dating phrase should be fun, exciting and full of life. Who wants to be with someone so uptight, reserved and boring? I say date as many people as you have you to get to the right one for you. Who knows, you may find a few lifelong friendships along your journey down the unknown. Most relationships I’ve personally experienced, I flocked to guys with a great sense of humor, who loved the laugh and fun have, instead of the more serious type. It takes a special kind of guy to express himself through laughter and not take himself so serious. We, as women, sometimes walk past the class clown, turn our noses up at the fun guy, who is the life of the party. We tend to think that because they have everyone surrounding them, that they need all the attention, have to be the life of the party because of low self-esteem. In most cases, that couldn’t be furthest from the truth. I have always been attracted to the funny guys, who made me laugh. True, I love an intellectual conversation and a man who can think, whom I can talk with about any and everything, but there is just something that makes me all giddy, I find sexy even, when a guy can make an ugly face, laugh at me or him, to just lighten up.  If I do something funny, I want him to laugh instead of sit there with a judgmental look on his face. Laughter cleanses the soul, so laugh, have fun, don’t be so dull!

In relationships, I think it’s extremely important to become friends with someone before getting into something more serious or putting a label on what you two have. Friendships, I feel, make the best relationships. There is nothing like having your best friend as the love of your life, who can make you laugh, smile, happy and sentimental from just doing something unexpected, to show how much he/she appreciates you. Being able to talk about any and everything openly and completely in a relationship is essential to a successful and healthy future. When you are able to converse without fear of saying something to hurt each other’s feelings or feeling ashamed or embarrassed, are a big deal. It is the foundation to a solid and lengthy relationship. When it’s time to get serious, it’s time to get serious, all joking aside! Yeah, humor is a great trait but being able to set that aside and get serious when problems occur, which they will, you have to know that that won’t become a problem. No one wants to have a little boy/girl who refuses to grow the hell up and deal with life issues. What fun is that? What is the point? How will the relationship progress to something more? I think that before a label is placed, each other should be comfortable, totally comfortable with the person that nothing can break the bond that they share. I feel that they should may able to speak with respect, compromise and conviction without feeling like they are settling, having to be on edge or disagree to disagree. What is that anyway, to agree to disagree? That thing that you agree to disagree on will come up again and eventually, it will have to be dealt with. No, that shouldn’t be where relationships are concerned. No one should have to settle because there is someone out there for everybody, created especially for them. Sure, it may take a few wrongs to get to the right one for us but we will get there. The main problem we all tend to have is patience and understanding. Once those two things are in agreement, then the rest is easy-breezy!

We can all agree that women can sometimes be more serious than men but what about men, can a men be too serious? Well, let me answer that, hell yeah! Been there, done that one too! Let me just share my “growing pains” as I call it now. I talked about the guy I dated, whom I met on the internet in my last series, who I found out that was allowing me and some other woman to share the same damn toothbrush. (Yes his trifling ass did that! Sadly, it is a true story, that Bastard!!) Wu-sah, I’m good! I just needed to calm down and breathed a minute. That was some serious shit! Anyway, let’s move on. He was fun and loving at first but turned out to be a total stranger. I thought we were friends but four months of getting to know someone is clearly not long enough. This man was so serious or should I just jealous that he used to sit outside of my apartment, waiting for hours just to see if I had company. One day, I saw him and asked him what his deal was. I know, most of you are probably shaking your heads and saying I should have put him to stepping but I didn’t. He said that he was just being concerned and wanted to make sure nothing happened to me. (I thought that because of his job, which I will keep untold, that he was just looking out of me. Boy was I wrong!) Anyway! Things got way out of hand when we ran into one of my old friends from a place I used to work at the mall. Yes, it was a guy and we exchanged hugs. Let’s just say if looks could kill, I wouldn’t be writing right now. He waited patiently while I caught up with the guy. He even laughed and joined in the conversation. (I was like “oh my man is something else. Look at him being all sweet and friendly”) Needless to say, when we got to the car, he just turned and stared at me. He accused me of sleeping with the guy and that was not even because the guy was totally gay. He sat there, being too serious and ridiculous. Instead of just coming out and asking me if there was something between me and the guy, he just assumed there was. Now we all know what happens when we assume right! We make an “ass” out of ourselves. If we had been friends, I mean really had a solid friendship before labeling our relationship, then he would have known me better than that and I would have seen his seriousness or jealousness before that point.

I asked him to take me home and he did. But when I got ready to get out, so did he. Do you know this fool had the nerve to think that he was having sex with me after accusing me of sleeping with another man, who was genuinely a true friend of mine? In fact, I pushed the same friend away when I started seeing him because he didn’t think a woman and a man could be just friends. I know right, another sign that there was something completely wrong with him. When I finished telling him how silly he was and if he thought that he was about to get some good pussy, he decided to leave. I still remember some of the things I said and some of the words that came out of my mouth made my own ears ring. (Yeah, I can take it there if pushed to the point of no return and he pushed me there and beyond.) The next day when I came home from work, I noticed a few things out of place. As I changed my clothing, I got a call from another one of my friends, saying that a guy called him from my number, my home number. I was infuriated! This dude pretty much broke into my damn apartment, checked my answering machine, called numbers on my called ID and even read my journal. Now if that wasn’t being too serious, then I don’t know what is! That was psychotic. It way surpassed being too serious, don’t you think!

After that, I had my locks changed, telephone number changed and didn’t speak with him for months after that. I didn’t need that kind of “seriousness” “craziness” or whatever you want to call it in my world. Hell, he was beyond serious, he was crazy as hell! We talked from time to time if I just so happened to run into him but that was pretty much the extent of our relationship. There are other things that he did along our time together that will leave you speechless but I will talk about them as they come up. I wonder if he still doing that or has gotten put in his place by now? (Well, not really! I am just glad he is where he is and I’m where I am) I know we as women can get a bit carried away in relationships but I feel only when provoked. I personally don’t like conflict or arguing, so nothing good could have come from that situation. I say all this to say, don’t be too serious when you should be just having fun. No one wants to be with someone so serious that they feel too uncomfortable just having them meeting his/her friends, family and other important people. (And let me just add, no one in my family liked his ass. The few friends that he did meet told me that I could do so much better. When I finally started to believe that, my life was almost ruined. Again another time for all that drama) I think that those people who are that serious turn out to be overprotective, abusive or worse. Whether man or woman, life is supposed to be lived to the fullest, with someone you can be open with through any given situation. Don’t push someone meant for you away by, not letting them see the fun and exciting you. But also be able to show that you can and will be serious when the time comes. Remember that dating, then friendship is the best way to start a relationship that will potentially turn into something more in the future. Learn to laugh at yourself, not take yourself so seriously and then you will know when someone else is doing the exact same thing or if it is their true personality. The more you observe or spend time with a person, the more valuable information you will gather, whether good or bad. This will save time and effort for the right person! Relationships should be something to make you smile, not become a pain in your ass! So I say, date, become friends and then go from there. You will know if something more is there. You will be able to feel it in your gut, whether good or bad. Don’t just jump into a relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. Don’t just keep quiet when something is bothering you. If the two of you are friends, communication shouldn’t be an issue, ever! No friendship or relationship is perfect but remember that it can be perfected along the way when both persons involved are willing to take what’s necessary to do so. Nothing good in life comes too easy because if it does, it will most definitely leave too quickly!

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