Friday, September 30, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(part 13)


Well, it’s really been nice discussing the many aspects of relationships for this month. I have received great information from many of you. I just want to take the time out to say “thank you”. It means a great deal to receive feedback from you guys. I enjoy speaking on the things I do and without an audience, I wouldn’t know what works and what doesn’t. I appreciate my followers, subscribers and everyone else who takes out a few minutes of their day, to read my blog. I hope that I am not disappointing. And although I may get a little blunt, dirty and too outspoken, I am just being me. I am passionate about love, passion, sex and all that goes along with those three things. I love telling erotic stories, writing poetry and speaking on topics as openly and honestly as possible. For the past two months, I have taken a different route on my blog and began series discussions. I love it! Although I am no expert, I feel that I have been through many different stages in life, both good and bad, and can shed some insight to someone else dealing with the same. If I can be a light at the end of someone’s tunnel, that is what I will strive to achieve. Life is hard. It can sometimes break you down, take you to dark places and can change your outcome or perception of what love should feel like. It’s not easy by any means but having someone share their hardships will help you see that you are not alone. Don’t settle! Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like you don’t deserve everything and then some, because you do. When you love yourself, you know yourself completely and when you know yourself completely, you can teach someone how “you” should be loved, in every aspect of the word. When I turned thirty, my level for bullshit went out the door right along with my twenties. It was almost as if a light inside my body was finally turned on. Things that I couldn’t change didn’t bother me anymore. People, who didn’t mean me any good, had to go. It was kind of like a new me emerged and I began to see life in color and not just black and white. “When you know better, you do better and when you do better, you feel better, and when you feel better, you always want better for yourself!”  

One thing in particular that changed in my life was sex. Sex is a touchy subject but I believe that when it is talked about in a way most people can relate to, it helps break down barriers. Sex is normal, healthy and should be fun and exciting. I guess the older I become, the more I know what I want, need and desire. The more I am able to converse that to my mate, so that the experience is great for both of us. I became sensual, open to new things and I finally experienced multiple orgasms. (Hot damn!!) Hey, if you don’t know, you better get it together. You are cheating yourself dearly! Secret: I was able to give them to myself, so that I could relay the information to my lover. Besides, if you don’t know what feels good, how can you tell or show someone want you like? I ain’t mad at you, at all. With your rabbit, bullet, pink passion, butterfly or any other thing that gets you there, light some candles, put on some sexy music and invite your lover into the most passionate and pleasurable experience of his/her life. I bet from that point on, you won’t be using your toys to rock your world! Relationships are complicated as it is, but if the sex is boring, that is when communication must step on the scene. There are ways to express ourselves to get our point across without hurting the feelings of our lover. If you don’t like the way he/she touches you, say it! If you don’t like how he/she blow in your ear, say it! That way it doesn’t happen each time, which will result in you having a hard time becoming or staying aroused. If you cannot talk to the person you are most intimate with, who can you? Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed because your pleasure shouldn’t be taken lightly. In the end, you and your lover will become closer, hotter, and passionate for one another. Try it. What can it hurt?

Spicing things up in relationships is normal. It is something every relationship should do. Have a date night. Play games with each other. Laugh, be silly and have fun. Sometimes we become too settled or comfortable with each other, that we forget that the things we had to do to get each other, should still be done to keep each other. If you dressed sexy and looked your best in the beginning, do it daily. Not that you have to dress like a supermodel every day, but don’t walk around looking like you got the damn flu, either. As we get older, our bodies do change and for women, after having children, we can become depressed with the way we look. Don’t just complain about not being, feeling or looking sexy, do something about it. The same thing goes for men. Don’t let yourself go, and then expect her to stay hot like a video vixen. They always say men are physical, well so are women. If we wanted to be with Al Bundy, we would have never got with you in the first place. There was physical attraction in the beginning and should remain until the end. Workout together! Hell, you all saw what happened on “Why Did I Get Married” when Shelia and Sheriff Troy started working out together, right! I think the couples who work out together or do some kind of physical activity with each other, have the best sex. Look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They always walking here and there, jogging, traveling or adopting a kid and I can bet the farm that their sex life is just insane! Be the best you can be, for you and your lover. That will be one less fight or distraction in your relationship. Whether we want to believe it or not, the eyes do wonder and not just by men. Take care of yourself!

The world is full of things to do, it is just up to us to find them, explore them, embrace them and enjoy them. Start a vacation fund. Put aside twenty dollars or more if you can, toward a sexy get away for the both of you. No kids, if you have them. No one but you and you mate or make it a couples’ thing by inviting another couple or two to join you. Group vacations with other couples can inspire, motivate and help spice things up a bit too. Seeing another couple’s interaction with one another can allow you to see that you are entitled to show and express the love you have for each other, without feeling bad about it. Who knows, you may be able to help them too. Buy something sexy to wear only for your guy/girl when you are alone. Before you get to wherever it is you are going, call to see what kind of spa services is offered. Get a couples’ massage, have dinner under the stars, go skinny dipping or any other creative thing you can come up with, to break out of your comfort zone. I promise, that will be a vacation the two of you will reflect on when the good times are not so good. It will be your dirty little secret in a crowded room, which will have everyone wondering why you both have silly grins on your faces. All in all, life is too short to be uptight, bitter, unhappy and alone. Live a little. Let your hair down. The world is full of potential, whether it is just a friendship, dating, commitment and ultimately marriage. Only you can decide where you go from here. Enjoy!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships (Part 12)

“Which is more personal, kissing or oral sex?”

As I had a conversation with my sister the other day about a few posts on my blog, she brought up this particular topic. Our thoughts on it are the same but when the question was asked to a few other family and friends, a passionate debate began. The more we discussed this, the more thought I gave into it. Not everyone will agree and because there is no right or wrong answer, where does it leave us? Well, I was able to see and view it from a male and female perspective. Since there are both men and women who still don’t engage in the art of oral sex, some of which I know firsthand, I said, why not ask them. After that, I decided to just break it down into two points of views, men and women.

The woman I asked, who doesn’t do oral sex or “the nasty” as she calls it, was more than willing to speak her mind. At first, I thought that she had a vendetta against men but the more with talked, the more she opened up. When our conversation was over, I had a better understanding of why she felt the way she does about sex and all things pertaining to it. I learned that she grew up in a house full of brothers, who didn’t respect women. She told me of how she would always hear them saying that they were about to do get with such and such and make her give me a blowjob. She even heard a few of her brothers say that they didn’t care anything about a trick, as long as she opens her legs and mouth and let me put my dick where I want to. Now that can turn anyone off were sex is concerned. She later went on to tell me how she met her first love and opened herself up to him, only to be cheated on repeatedly. She confessed that she had once performed oral sex on him and later had to go see her doctor because of a sore she got in her mouth. Well, she was diagnosed with herpes. That is enough to make even the most open-minded bitter, hard, cold and completely disgusted when oral sex is mentioned, kissing too for that matter. I have a new level of respect for her but I hope that she doesn’t stay in her box forever. Although life threw her for a loop, she still deserves happiness, with someone who truly appreciates her.

The guy that I spoke with just plain out said, “I don’t do that because I have yet to find the right one who deserves all of me.” Now I understand that completely. He was referring to oral sex. He said that he doesn’t kiss every woman he comes in contact with and if they are willing to kiss him on the first date, he guards himself because it means that they are easy. (Now that shocked the hell out of me to hear a guy say that.) He said that oral sex was more personal for him than kissing but kissing isn’t taken lightly with him. When I asked him what he thought about receiving oral he laughed. You know I wanted to know what was so damn funny, right! Anyway, he explained to me that men can always find a woman who doesn’t see anything wrong with giving a blowjob. He also said that not many women are good at oral sex, so it really doesn’t matter one way or the other but if he has a woman who knows how to put it down, with no strings attached, and loves performing it on him, he would always have her number on speed dial. Something he said after that really stood out to me. He said that kids are engaging in oral sex like drinking water, as young as elementary school. I have heard cases as such but it still just makes me stomach churn. Who has these kids been around or seeing do this type of stuff? At the end of our conversation, he held firm to the fact that kissing for a man is less personal than oral sex.  

I remembered my favorite movie of all times, “Pretty Woman”, starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Now I can literally watch that movie every day and never get bored from it. This is how I can see where for women, kissing is way more personal than oral sex. Vivian, Julia’s character, is a prostitute, working the streets of Hollywood Blvd. were one night when she and her friend Kit, spots their rent money for the next three or four months. Not everyone can afford to drive or even ride in a Lotus Supreme, so they saw dollar signs and nothing more. Before Vivian left for the evening with her trick, as they call it, she was reminded from her girl that kissing was off-limits because their line of work shouldn’t be taken personal. “Nothing personal, just business”, Kit told Viv before she got into the beautiful, expensive luxury sports car.

My sister and I agree with that concept. We feel that anyone can perform oral sex without reserve, especially a woman. Prostitution still exists because of that fact. Most men go to professionals to receive the forbidden pleasure because either their wife or girlfriend doesn’t engage in such deeds or suck at it. I was on the internet the other night and ran across a man who wrote a book about blowjobs because out of the hundreds of women he had slept with and received oral sex from, there were only a handful of them who really knew what they were doing. He said most men love receiving oral sex but not when it suck. He spoke on about a woman having to really want to do it, want to be good at it and know how it should be done. The most important lesson was that practice makes perfect. And that goes for both men and women, where oral sex is concerned. One can be on that level with their partner, kissing as transpired and then oral sex enters the equation. If the kissing is unbelievable and the oral is downright pathetic, where does it leave the relationship? Just because it’s more personal, does it have to suck? That goes back to a prior post I wrote, about communication.

I find this disturbing because when we commit ourselves in relationships, we all should be able to let down our reserve and our sex life should be taken to another level. Well, not in most cases. It takes a great amount of time, effort and unspeakable trust to let your guard down completely, ultimately opening up ourselves to satisfy our partners on every level of intimacy. For Vivian, she did everything except kiss on the mouth. Edward, Richard’s character, tried to get intimacy from her that way, in fact during more than one scene, but until she completely fall in love with him, Vivian couldn’t bring herself to kiss him by mouth. He was probably used to women kissing and throwing themselves on him because of his status, but he would always become bored, seeking something more. Up until he met Vivian, he wasn’t able to fully commit or completely give his heart of anyone. Yes, he had women, had been married and the whole nine, but was that enough? I guess not, because why else would he pick up a hooker, on Hollywood, ask her to spend the week with her and then fall in love with her? She was indeed a professional, so she had him oral sex without any questions asked. It wasn’t until he saw that kissing was something more for her, that he was able to truly understand her, resulting in him giving of himself.

When I was dating, I didn’t kiss on the first date and if I didn’t feel any chemistry between us, there wouldn’t be a second date. I made one of my boyfriends’ wait for two months for a kiss. I know, that is a stretch but let’s just say this, he is still enjoying those kisses. I had to be sure that he was special enough to go there with. Contrary to belief, the mouth is one of the dirtiest parts of the human body, whereas both the penis and vagina are self-cleaning. So, you can be exposed to more germs living in the mouth than on someone’s genitalia. It’s amazing how we don’t really know this kind of stuff or don’t care when we are getting what we want. I say that to say, be careful. Pay attention. Look at the mouth closely, carefully and leave the lights on if that is what it takes. There are some things we can get and cannot get rid of! The best kind of sex is “safe sex”. Remember that, write it down, take a picture or anything else you need to do in order to keep it embedded in your mind.

Kissing should be special, passionately, intimate. It shouldn’t be just done with any and every one you cross paths with. Besides, there is nothing worse than a bad kisser or bad breath. Well, the same goes for oral sex. Odor is, odor is, odor! Humm, is this another reason that some find kissing more personal than oral sex?  Kissing takes great will and purpose. A lot can be said through a kiss and it can also ignite a burning fire that can lead to oral sex, wild sex, crazy sex, great sex, incredible sex, passionate sex. But I can see why not everyone agrees with me on this, especially men. I got an answer from my cousin, who is a guy, and he said that kissing and oral sex goes hand in hand for him. He said he equally enjoy both, stating that they are both emotionally and physically stimulating for him, especially with the right one.

I feel that men have to be on a more intimate level with a woman in order to go there orally. If he doesn’t have that special connection or emotional bond with her, he usually will just hit it and quit it. He will even receive oral from her if she goes there, no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. There may not even be any kissing going on. We have all been there, done that. Had sex were there was no kissing or oral sex involved because we just wanted to get our fix and move on. Hey, life can get like that sometimes. Don’t feel bad about it. You are not the only one and most certainly won’t be the last. As the R&B group H-town said in their song, “Emotions”, “Emotions make you cry sometimes, emotions make you sad sometimes, but most of all, they make you fall in love”. So, I guess both kissing and oral sex has a lot to do with being in love. It really just has to do with emotions more than anything else. When we are in love with someone, there isn’t usually anything that we wouldn’t do to or for them. Our eyes weren’t big enough to see them. Our hearts aren’t ours anymore. Our minds are constantly thinking on them. We live and breathe them. We go to sleep thinking of them and wake up doing the same damn thing. Yes, it can get a bit overwhelming but when you are not the only one feeling this way, it makes life much more worth having true love. When that type of bond is obvious, our thoughts on life in general, change. Things we have told ourselves and lived by for many years, change. They go completely out the window and we become more open and willing to do any and everything to please the one we love.    

It’s funny how men and women differ in many areas but consequently, we are the same. We just want to be loved completely, honestly and openly. We don’t want to be the giver and receive less than we give or nothing at all. No one wants to be taken advantage of or taken for granted. Sex is a way we express that love, passion, desire for each other. Yeah, we can speak words, expressing our feelings but there is nothing better than physical conversation, through the body whether it be kissing or oral sex. We may not even be able to say “I love you” until lovemaking because the way he/she is putting it on you, the words merely slip out. There is nothing wrong with that, but just please, have the conversation regarding that, after sex is over. That way, your mate doesn’t think that you just said it because of the way they were laying it down. (Although that can have a lot to do with it) I personally feel that if a man/woman can kiss you on the mouth or someplace below the waist, even both, to make you weak in the knees, then you have a keeper. Finding someone who isn’t afraid to let love take them away, is hard to find as it is but when they are willing to go beyond that, it is rare, priceless and that is the person you should spend the rest of your life with.   

So, I guess it’s safe to say that not everyone will think the same where kissing and oral sex are concerned, when it comes to which is more personal but at least we are thinking about it. Don’t just go around putting your mouth on everybody. That’s just plain ole nasty!  Whether you think kissing is or oral sex is more personal, be sure that the person you are investing all of your time and energy into, deserve it.  Don’t give of yourself and get nothing in return. Not that it is even about that because when you are in love with someone, you do things without expecting anything in return. But there is a difference between receiving and taking advantage of, know the difference to protect your heart. Once our heart is captured, it is hard as hell to get it back. Throw emotions into the mix and love has conquered you senseless, nothing is left undiscovered and kissing and oral sex become a part of the relationship, leaving you both in a place where lover’s go. And if those two things are done correctly, there is nothing anyone can say to you to make you stop loving the one you love, the way you do. Enjoy life, enjoy being intimate and enjoy getting to know each other. Have fun, be open and bring out the wild side of one another. Being personal is all about what you conceive it to be in the end. It’s okay that everybody isn’t going to agree with you. Do what makes you and ultimately makes your partner call out your name, say curse words, or leave marks on your back, thighs or any place else. When you are happy, you tend to put every fiber of your being into anything you are passionate about. Go for it, the pleasure waits!  

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(Part 11)

“Does sharing your true feelings openly and honestly in a relationship, truly reveal the other person’s intentions, good or bad?”

This particular topic came up a few days ago, as I spoke to one of my close friends. We were just talking in general and she said she had something to ask me. I was like, okay, what’s up? At first she laughed because of the way I responded and that kind of lightened the mood. She was hesitant but then she just went for it. I guess even knowing someone for many years can still be weird where the topic of relationships is concerned. Either way, she wasn’t getting let off the hook. Ya’ll know I’m nosy, right! Like Eddie Murphy’s character, Ray, in the movie Life, “I gotta know!” lol If you don’t know what I’m talking about, get the movie watch it and when the scene comes up with that particular part, you will laugh until you cry or pee on yourself. Discussing relationships can be scary, especially with a friend. But I am not one to sugarcoat anything or say what you want me to say. Sorry! If you want that, I am definitely not the one you should be talking to. That’s another reason why I probably have had the same friends for forever and a day. The question asked was shocking because I had been thinking of this very thing days prior to our conversation.

“Do you think expressing how we feel to a person pushes or pulls them away from us?” Now, I was completely taken aback because this has also been on my mind for quite some time. I’ve talked about the importance of communication and sharing ourselves in a relationship but when is it really a good or bad time to do so? If we open ourselves too soon, we tend to scare or cause our intended mate to run for the hills. But, on the other hand, if we don’t share at all, they still scare or run for the hills, in fear that we don’t care at all. So, which one is it? I consider myself to be a very expressive person. I want to share just how I feel so that my mate can know without a shadow of a doubt my feelings for him. Not only my mate but also any other relationships that means a great deal to me, require the form of communication called expression. Majority of the time, writing is a way I express such feelings. Words can speak volumes when put on paper. They can also last a lifetime, were as only speaking them, can only last in that moment. Hell, sometimes words are spoken and not even heard. This can cause many people to shut down and just keep their feelings, thoughts or anything else to themselves, which becomes unhealthy. Anything left inside too long becomes bad for your health, period!

I’m not saying to write everything down and stop talking, because that is the furthest thing on my mind right now, so don’t get me wrong.  I can also speak my feelings, thoughts and emotions face-to-face but more times than not, I feel like I should have just kept those feelings to myself because of the reaction or response I receive or not receive in the end.  It’s hard sharing as it is but once you are made to believe that your feelings have been taken for granted, that opens up a new defense mechanism and a wall goes up, that is hard as hell to knock down. You can also feel like your relationship is one-sided. Who wants that feeling? Is it really that hard to just tell a person how you truly feel about them? There are ways to do so without being pushy, demanding, controlling or expecting. Although they may not feel the same way, at least you got whatever it was you had to say off your chest. So whether you have to write, talk, sing or draw, do whatever works for you but get those thoughts out. Some things are to only be said and heard. When that time comes, you will know.

Not doing or doing so, can be the very thing that causes someone like you, me or my friend to just keep our feelings at bay, but result in getting disappointed down the line with an excuse from our significant other that they didn’t know where they stood and when someone else came along and made it known verbally, they went into their awaiting arms. Bullshit!!! Straight bullshit! Either you can handle the truth, feelings and all or you are someone incapable of moving forward. Some people are not ready to accept the truth because they are not done playing games. Either way is it our fault that they are not able to express ourselves or cannot handle true expression? No, so stop thinking that way right now! Don’t become an enabler. Don’t just sit back and accept that from anyone. You deserve to know just where you stand and how someone feels about you. Time is something we cannot get back. Don’t waste it anyone who doesn’t deserve it. Nine times out of ten, you will always be the one who gets hurt in the end by allowing this type of behavior or non-sense to go on. Express yourself and expect to get some feedback. If not, way your options to determine if the relationship is worth it or not and go from there. You will love yourself much more in doing so.

Self-expression has always been a form of a person’s true identity. How is it any different in relationships? Someone please answer this question for me. My version is quite simple. Do you want to know what I think? Well, here you go. “People want what they want from either you or someone else but expect not to give anything of them along the way. These people may have been hurt at some point in their lives, have a problem with expression but it becomes their justification to their behavior or inability to commit. They deal with several people at once so that they are never alone, in fear that they will get hurt all over again, but in reality, we really need to take some time to get to know them. How can one show or give love, if they don’t know how? How can someone commit, if they don’t even know what the word means? How can someone talk when they don’t know how to listen? Is this fair? I think not, but it is just their way. Can this cycle be broken? I think so, but it is entirely up to them. Dwelling on the past is unacceptable in my book. Let it go, move on and live life! Sounds easier said than done, well that’s because it is. We should want each relationship we encounter, whether family, friend or commitment, to be better than the last.

This is simply a sign of grown, maturity and the ability to move in the right direction towards something more fulfilling. Believe it or not, we have the power to take control of our lives, in any given situation, to better it. Yeah, everyone or thing we encounter isn’t good for us, but it is up to us to past the test and tell the testimony, to help someone else, even ourselves in the future. Don’t conform; make this okay because it only hurts you more than others in the run long. The people we hurt, go on to live happy lives, with people who give of themselves, instead of only receiving. They become better, when we stay the same. Don’t become a victim of another cop out, fall for the ookeydoke. Life is too short to result in repeat offenders. It gets old and pointless. Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to commit, anyway? Nothing good well ever come from it, trust me! I know many people who watched their parents relationship, that wasn’t so great and simply shut off themselves when it comes to being in a committed relationship in fear of the same thing happening to them. Maybe they finally opened their heart completely to the wrong person and got it broken into a million pieces. Don’t allow one bad experience to control or dictate the outcome of your life. Everything we see isn’t what it appears to be. Just because someone else didn’t get it right, doesn’t mean that you won’t either!

Love is one of, if not, the best gift we can give and receive. Love is something unbreakable, if with the right person but it takes two people, on the same page in order to complete a chapter, ultimately resulting in a perfectly written book. There is no if’s, and’ or but’s about it. There is not right or wrong answer. The plot catches everyone off guard, causing them to look and want what is obviously transpiring between the two people involved. Your book stays on the best-seller’s list a lifetime. Many people read it and grow from it. They always see the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. Why? It’s because of the ability and will to express, communicate other than shut down and pull away. Love is intoxicating, drawing everything to it. There is nothing anyone can say or do to come between it because the bond is mutual. It isn’t one-sided, manipulated, deceitful or taken advantage of. Anything where these negative things exist isn’t love, merely lust, infatuation. Love isn’t supposed to be hard or hurt. True, there will be ups and downs but it doesn’t even come close to causing pain to either one involved. It is supposed to transform us, translate through our actions toward each other and transmit positive energy into the atmosphere to others.

Our hearts can differentiate between all the emotions but we sometimes overcome or compromise, thinking that things will get better. It usually doesn’t, only gets worse. Women especially, become victims because we tend to express or show our love totally, completely, without reserve. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact, it is quite healthy. The bad part about it is that we groom others for someone else without even knowing so. They learn, we teach and another reaps the benefits from our broken hearts.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Anything that hurts to the point where we cannot breathe is nothing pertaining to love at all. Pure love, divine love, intoxicating love, is expressed openly, honestly, willingly and completely by both people in the relationship. Have you ever saw someone walking around just smiling, really smiling with their heart, through their eyes? It’s those people who have this kind of relationship, with the love intended for them that touches my spirit. They inspire me to kind trying, keep fighting and keep enduring because I too, have that kind of love. At times it gets rough but more often than not, I smile with my heart, because my guy makes my heart sing! Call me corny or whatever, it feels good. So to answer the question, does expressing oneself honestly and completely in a relationship reveal good or bad intentions of our mate? Most definitely, but in the end, it’s all worth it when you find the right person for you. Keep expressing. Keep communicating. Keep being you. The man/woman, who gets to have you as a part of their life, will be truly blessed beyond measure. And for those of you who have already found them, you know what it feels like to smile with your heart!  

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(10)

All Hail To the “V”

As I spoke about sex in last month’s series and relationships during this month, one thing is certain. We, as women, hold all the power when it comes down to either one of those topics. I think James Brown said it best, “this is a man’s world but it wouldn’t be nothing without a woman or a girl”. I concur. Without women, there wouldn’t be a society. Since men cannot reproduce, there wouldn’t be any children to grow up and become our future, consequently ending in war. Too many men in one place can only lead to destruction because of the macho egos and the “trying to outdo the other” mentality. Men are just too competitive and will fight until the end to take each other out. That’s also why we love their asses so much! It’s not their fault. It is simply how they work. Now, I am not male-bashing because I love, love, love the fellas. There is nothing more beautiful than the opposite sex. The way they look at you, to make you all warm inside. The way they touch you and make you want to let them touch you in places, unkissed by the sun. The way they walk with such swag, makes the kitty kat jump uncontrollably, especially if they walk like Denzel.  A deadly smile like George Clooney is like Heaven. Eyes like Antonio Banderas. Sexy chocolate like Idris Alba, damn, damn, damn! Charming like Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, and don’t forget the bad boy persona like Johnny Depp. Men are essential to the world we live in, although they piss us off more times that I can count, I still love them. What’s the saying? “You can’t live with em, can’t live without em”. True indeed!

But, when woman was created, everything changed. We were blessed with the most powerful, most wonderful, most beautiful and special gift of all, the vagina. What a great weapon to possess! I call it a weapon because without saying a word, we can get both men/women to do anything we want them to do without them even realizes it. It’s sad to admit but I will. I give used the “V” to get what I wanted, needed and desired. Rick James said in a one of his interviews that “cocaine is a hell of a drug” well, I’m saying to every woman alive, “the pussy is one hell of a drug”! If you don’t know, ask the man/woman in your life. They don’t have to be in your life, just ask one of your friends. And they will set the record straight, I promise. Please, let me know what their answer is! You will be astounded to know just how much power you have over them. This can be a great thing but I have seen in some instances, were this turned out to be very bad. When things stop being all peachy, the woman becomes bored or unable to use the vagina at some point, the tables turn and someone ultimately gets hurt. Having too much of the “V” can spoil em, keep wanting more and tear you out. I love to feel wanted but not when there are crazy consequences. What if you grow apart? How in the world will you be able to get rid of them? LOL, I’m just saying!

True there are consequences to being a woman, having a vagina but all-in-all I wouldn’t want to be anything else. Well, maybe a dolphin because like humans, they have sex for pleasure and not just for reproduction. Yeah, we have to endure seven long ass days of bullshit each month, endure the excruciating pain of childbirth, pain from losing our virginity and many other things that can go wrong if you don’t take care of it, but at the end of the day, it is well worth it. We get to give life. What better gift is that? The vagina is self-cleaning. It has many different nerves that can lead to extreme pleasure, if stroked or penetrated correctly. At the top of it is something called the “G-spot” which gives a whole new meaning to “orgasm” and if you have not experienced a “G-spot” orgasm, baby let me tell ya!!! I have only been blessed to enjoy this wonderful, magnificent feeling twice and I still cannot quite describe it. Let me just try so you can know the true extent of the benefits from having one for yourself.  It is like thunder meets lightening and they create a lovechild called “hallelujah”. Yes, that is the best way to describe the feeling.  It’s almost like having to pee but just let the feeling flow. You are not peeing on yourself but rather getting ready to go on the ride of your life.

Now the vagina is also tricky because if not taken care of properly, there can be a lot of unwanted trouble in your life. If you don’t clean or groom it, there can be odor, bad odor and who wants to deal with that? If you allow people unlimited, unprotected access to it, you can get something called “VD” some you can shake or some you cannot. You can experience itching, discharge, irritation and other pain in the ass symptoms if you are not careful. True, with the right person, you can achieve, receive and conceive great pleasure, multiple orgasms and even a beautiful bundle of joy. There is nothing like “great sex” and we owe that all to the power of the “V”. Some people may not agree and it’s perfectly okay. Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. I’m speaking from experience and the reactions received from my partner. There is nothing better than having your lover express to you just how great the pussy is. My head can get as big as a watermelon. And, I have heard this more than once during, after and before it was used. Who doesn’t want to hear that they have that good-good? Who doesn’t want to hear that you are the BOMB? Hell we show and tell, so why can’t they?

I asked the question a few weeks ago to a few of the opposite sex, “what makes pussy good?” and let me just say, I wasn’t expecting some of the answers I received. The one answer that will forever stick in my head was, “a woman who can stimulate me emotionally, will rock my world physically. Talking about what she can do is one thing but being able to actually do it, now that is called good pussy”. My mouth hung open for a few minutes, lingering on his every word. It made me want to step my game up. Now don’t get it twisted, I can talk, flirt, touch, and take care of the business in the bedroom or wherever it is we may wanna get it on, I’m just that type of girl. I’m open, ready, willing and able, but it has to be with someone who makes me want to do those types of things with. I cannot stand a boring ass lover! Who wants someone who just lays there, silent and shit? It makes me think I’m boring and I know damn well that isn’t the case, at all!

The next answer I reflected on was, “the woman attached to it”. Now, that can be tricky. You can love the way a woman look, dress, talk and smile but if she cannot work the vajayjay, does that statement still apply? Somebody correct me if I’m wrong but I have never met a man yet who wants to be with a woman who doesn’t do it for him sexually. He can love the woman until the end of time but eventually, he will cheat on her with someone who knows how to make him scream out her name. He may not feel the same way about that woman but he will take his chances just because she handles her business in the sex department. Not that this is a good thing, it does happen. Ask anyone you know and they will either know of or have done it before. Now, on the other hand, if the woman attached to it can do her thang, nothing will make that man leave her ass, ever. She can get anything she wants or needs. She will always have a smile on her face, nice ass clothing on her back and beautiful and badass shoes to match. Hair done, nails did, everything did, yes, she will always be fancy. Damn straight! If she putting it down likes that, she should. It isn’t anything about being a gold-digger, materialistic or just out for money, because more often than not, she will have her own, be able to buy her own and be very headstrong and independent. There is a difference!

Don’t get me wrong, there are those women out in the world that uses sex to just manipulate. I am not speaking of those trifling whores. I’m talking about a good, wholesome, clean, down-to-earth, well-rounded, high-self-esteem, and motivated woman. I hate those women who think people owe them something just because they got a pussy in between their legs, who sits around waiting on their baby daddy to give them some damn money. Get up off your ass and do something for your damn self! (Please excuse me! I am just sick to my stomach about this particular situation. We know people like this and it is just sad. True, the power of the vagina is something else but it can also be bitter-sweet. Besides, a man/woman will only treat you the way you allow them to. If you stand for nothing, you will certainly fall for anything. Don’t just lie on your back with every Tom, Dick or Harry and then expect to be treated as a fucking lady. Respect yourself and then demand the respect of others. The way you carry yourself is a reflection of who you really are, whether you believe it or not. Don’t be judged on site. After all, a man wants a lady in the street and a whore in the bedroom. If you don’t know that by now, you will never know. Bottom line, don’t use your pussy to deceive, manipulate, take advantage of or trap anyone. The shit will come back to haunt you down the road.) Sorry! I just had to get that off my chest. I see this same thing happening every day and in the end, only the children, who have been brought into the madness, suffer. And you wonder why he has never taken your ass home to meet Mama! Keep doing it like that, and you will never leave the damn house. If you are wondering why you have never gone anywhere with him or been around his friends and family, well there you go!

Another response I received was, “wet, clean, not too big and taste great”. Now if that isn’t goodpussy, then I don’t know what is, right. All I could say was, damn, you have truly thought about this, huh. My friend laughed but the fellas who were around him, agreed 100%. The power of the “V” is essentially a beautiful thing, when shared with the special someone is your life. It can bring out the best in both of you. It can and will spice up your sex-life. It creates romance, desire and pleasure when used appropriately or should I say effectively. Having the attraction and uninhibited technique is another way the power of the “v” can make your lover call out your name, want you all the time and get jealous at the way other men watch you when you enter a room.  Don’t have the body to go along with it. Hell, you may not be able to keep his hands off you. Besides, the “V” can bite, spit, stretch, wrap around the penis in a way that will drive men mad. They just cannot get enough.  So ladies, all hail to the “V”! Take care of it and it will always take care of you. Do your damn kegels. If you don’t know what kegels are, here you go. According to Webster, a kegel is an exercise performed by women to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor, in order to control incontinence, improve sexual response and diminish some discomfort in pregnancy. This will keep it tight, able to wrap, pitch and bounce back after sex. It will keep the power of the “V” strong, unbreakable. Don’t neglect your “V” it will be with you forever, love it, cherish it, don’t underestimate it! Who run the world? Girls, run the world. Thanks for the anthem Beyonce.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships--Part (9)

“Does Adapting in a relationship mean changing who you are?”

 (Trying new things, good or bad?)

We have all adapted to something, at some point in time. It is one of Darwin’s Laws of Natural Selection and how a species is able to survive. It speaks about learning to adapt to your surroundings in order to stay alive. Think about it for a minute, if we as infants didn’t grasp the concept of feeding on a bottle or our mom’s breast, we would have died because of not being able to nourish our bodies to grow. So, whether an infant or adult, at some point in our lives, we have to learn to adapt. Relationships are no exception to the rule. For example, say you love eating chocolate cake after making love. If you become intimate with a new lover and he/she sees you do this each and every time you finish, well eventually they may ask or even offer to have some of the cake. That doesn’t mean that they are changing who they are, it only means that they are adapting or trying something new that you find satisfying. Maybe they will like it or maybe they won’t, at least they tried it for themselves to gather that conclusion. It doesn’t make them a bad person, a follower or a pushover; it simply means that they love you enough to try what you like. Wouldn’t you do the same thing for them?

I have heard countless times how relationships end because one person thinks that because the other person involved tried to get them to learn or try something new, they took it as something negative rather than positive. Don’t be so quick to avoid change or trying new things. It can help you become a better person, help someone else dealing with the exact same thing or know if the person who wants you to try it, is good or bad for you. Consequently, we will know if they are trying to manipulate us or encourage us into trying new things. Now, if the new thing is forced upon you, then it isn’t a positive reinforcement for the relationship. However, if your guy/girl loves football and they ask you to watch a game with them, this isn’t something forced. It is merely them wanting you to get involved in something they love. They want to be able to spend time with you and do one of the things that they also enjoy doing. You may even find yourself enjoying the sport too. Besides, you get to spend time with your special someone, stealing kisses during a timeout or commercial break. Who wouldn’t like that?

I see men adapting in relationships all the time, especially to spend time each his woman. Whether it is only a friend whom wants to become something more, getting to know someone new to your life or a husband who wants to spend more time with his wife, they do it willing. I’m talking about shopping! Everyone knows that most men go to the particular item that they are looking for, see if it works for them, pay for it and then they are ready to go. (Right or wrong, you tell me.) Now, don’t get me wrong, there are lots of men who love shopping but more often than not, the reason they do is because of adapting to it. Their mom may have spent hours at the mall and they had no choice but to make the best out of it. They may have been shopping with a woman they cared about and looked forward to seeing her try on different outfits to get his opinion on it, just to be with her. What man doesn’t like seeing a woman try on clothing like shows off her body? A husband may go to the mall when his wife goes to buy new shoes and sit there all day watching the way the shoes make her legs look sexy and imagine them in the air or her in them and nothing else. This doesn’t mean they like going, it simply means they are adapting. They also find out that they get something from the experience too. What? They get to spend quality time with the special woman in their life.

I love reading books. My guy knows this and I can be in a room with my book and he will just come in and sit in the same room and smile. Now, he doesn’t read books, only magazines but he confessed that he only wants to be in the same room as I am. This is sweet and enduring, sexy. I can feel the passion between us, radiating in the air. Although I’m reading my book, I cannot wait to get him alone, out of his clothes and make love to him. And plus, I get to sneak looks at him. The smallest things can transmit the most enormous chemistry and pleasures, if we just open our minds and try new things. Don’t look at it as being weak or being too prideful to express your feelings, thoughts and emotions. Don’t let your friends or someone on the outside looking,   influence your decisions pertaining to your relationship. In the end, it is only you and that person, no one else. You will know in your heart if the decision you make is good or bad, right or wrong. And in the end, after trying something new or adapting, if you don’t like it then it is up to you to communicate with your partner about it. They are not mind-readers and neither are you. We have to show and tell or simply tell.

Bottom line, try new things, learn to adapt, compromise or anything else that works for you. You will be better from it, learn from it and know what you want from your relationship. Making mistakes isn’t the problem we all have. It’s learning from those mistakes that we fall short on. I try to take something positive from each situation I encounter, good or bad. It helps me grow, become and better me and move forward no without any regrets. There is nothing wrong with new things. You may learn that you love some of them, if you just free yourself and become free. (Some of you will get that later!) Until next time, have fun, explore and trust your judgment and if you may mistakes, brush your shoulders off and keep it moving! Don’t let life pass you by without joining in and living it to the fullest.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(Part 8)

“Knowing when you have found the right one for you”

“Being In LOVE”

When you know, that you know, that you know, you have found the right person, you can feel it in every inch of your body! Your spirit is free and your soul smiles. Whenever he/she comes around, you get all giddy, light-headed, nervous. The palms of your hands sweat for no particular reason. You cannot get the silly grin off of your face. And all you can do is smile. Just the mention of their name will make you blush, think secret thoughts shared just between the two of you. All of your friends know how he/she makes you react, so they tend to tease you about him/her all the time, just to see you behave the way you do. It’s sweet and enduring, but inspires them to keep looking or waiting if their special someone isn’t in their lives at the moment. You give them hope that he/she will come belong and sweep them off their feet. Or if all of you have found the right one, you all laugh about the silly little ways you all act at the very thought of your special someone. My friends and I tease each other all time. We have so much fun doing it too!

This can also be very tricky at first because the mind tends to manipulate us into over-thinking instead of just letting things run as they may. There will also be people in your life who are miserable in his/her own situation, who will try to put questioning thoughts into your mind. (Misery loves company and will try to move your ass right on in your house, if you not paying attention!) Yeah, we do have to be careful were our hearts are concerned but these type of feelings don’t just happen and especially with everybody. We still have to be wise and listen to the people who have our best interest at heart. Don’t just become blinded and allow heartache and pain the chance to still your joy. Trust me! They are waiting to do just that if we are not careful. All people can make you smile, even make you excited when you hear or see them but knowing for sure that you have found the right one for you, is totally, on another level. As the King of Pop, Michael Jackson said, “You give me butterflies”, becomes an understatement when you are with them, think of them or see them. There is nothing anyone can say to take your mind off them. Everything that you do entails thoughts of them. Nothing else matters in the world because love has finally found and conquered you. When the person you feel those ways about feel the same about you, start picking colors, selecting your closest friends and putting together your guest list, because it’s only a matter of time that the two of you embark into a life together, sealed in marriage.

You don’t have to take that leap but more often than not, many people want to express their love for each other through vows, in front of their family, friends and other loved ones. There are couples out there who have this kind of love but don’t feel the need to get married. True, marriage can change things but don’t look at what other people are doing or have done to decide what path is best for you. You and your mate should sit down and talk about it. If you cannot simply live another day a part from each other, then you will know what it takes to keep that a reality. I love the fact of being in love. It keeps me positive, motivated and at ease. Knowing that you have someone who loves you unconditionally, completely, who makes you feel like butter, melting each and every time you are together, is enchanting to say the least. No wonder fairytales always have happy endings. If Prince Charming or Prince Eric had those same effects on Cinderella or Ariel then I see why they broke rules to get to their men. Hell, I would do it too.

The only way I can describe being in love is like this:




These are just a few ways I think being in love fells to me. If anyone wants to share what it means to them, feel free to post it in the comment box below. I want to know how you knew when you found the right one or when he/she found you. If you are not there yet, then express how you want to feel when it comes. Share how you think/believe true love should be or feel. There is no right or wrong answer. Allow your heart to open and speak freely, providing you with the right words. Love is beautiful, easy, exciting and the best gift we can receive and give in return. So, when you know, that you know, that you know, you have indeed found the right person for you. It is simple, kind, pure and none like any other. Don’t ignore love, push love away or be too afraid to give love a chance. “It is better to have known true love once in a lifetime, than to have never loved at all!”  

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(Part 7)

“Communicate or lack thereof can make or break any relationship”     

Communication, a weapon of destruction to any relationship if it becomes nonexistent between the people involved it, whether you’re dating, friends or associates, lovers, married or single. We all tend to forget that communication was the thing that drew us close in the first place. Without being able to communicate, how could anyone get to know anyone else?  How do relationships even form? We learn if we have anything in common, what we feel strongly about, if we can stand being around each other for more than five minutes, through communicating. Friendships need communication. Dating requires strong communication but relationships that will last, depend on how well the two people involved, communicate with each other. Not being able to converse will tear any type of relationship to shreds. How will you stay connected? How will you be able to share your day, good news and other important life changing factors without being able to speak openly about them?

Now, talking and communicating are two entirely different things, which I hate most people don’t get because more often than not, the one who is doing all the talking, really doesn’t know how to communicate at all. They tend to be self-centered, bad listeners, confrontational and don’t care about anyone but themselves. Sometimes it’s best to just listen. In relationships, this particular factor is crucial. Whether you know it at the time or not, the other person is observing to see if you care about his/her day, problem or just want to hear what they have to say instead of always running off at the mouth. Don’t expect someone to just listen and listen and listen while you talk, vent or whatever and then not give them the same thing in return. A one-sided conversation never ends well. In fact, too many of them will only push the other person further away and nine times out of ten, into the arms of someone who does want to hear about all of those things from them.

Communication connects us on an emotional, more personal level. Once there is a solid emotional connection, the relationship is unbreakable. True, men are physical but they also want to be with someone who can listen, communicate and give them great advice. Your tits and ass are not going to sit up high like that forever. Sure, the pudding will still be good but he will need to be able to have a conversation with you at some point. Sex can only last for so long. You both have to come up for air, and then what? Hey, I’m just saying! Have something more to offer than just your body. Know how to communicate to stimulate his/her mind. Know how to keep his/her attention with words of wisdom, things that keep him thinking about you all day and craving more. There is nothing like having an intellectual conversation so deep, so pure, that passion radiates all around you. I love getting put in the mood for making love by my man when he says something intelligent. He doesn’t have to even touch me to make me cum. A man being able to communicate like that is sexy as hell to me. Whew!!

How can one give great advice but to listen first? Listening and communicating go hand in hand. Those two components will determine just how far any relationship will go. When we love and care about another person, we want the best for them. We give all of ourselves. We open ourselves completely to them and every aspect of their life. There is nothing we cannot communicate about, so in turn, the bond between us only gets stronger, building a union no one can tear apart. Most relationships with that kind of foundation, will last a lifetime. Friendships will continue to grow and we all will be able to weed out the good and bad people who enter our lives. Not every person who comes into our life is meant to be there a long period of time. Think about it, if we all got along, had everything in common; there wouldn’t be so much hatred or chaos in the world.

So, don’t be afraid to open up, start a conversation and/or just listen. See what others have to say instead of always expecting to be heard. Take advantage of it if you have people in your life who love to communicate. Those are the people you should admire, respect and learn from. Those people are rare.  It isn’t always easy for people to talk, especially men, but don’t make them regret or shy away from it when they do decide to share their feelings, thoughts or emotions. My small circle of friends and I can talk about any and everything, which I am grateful for. It keeps us close, grounded and able to see the full benefit of being able to converse openly, without fear or shame. It keeps us aware of what’s going on in each other’s lives, so we can help each other get through it. It also teaches us the full benefit of what true friendship should be like. We may not talk every day, every week or even every month, but when we do, it’s like time stood still. We are always able to pick up just where we left off because of our ability to communication. As I said before, communication is essential to beginning, maintaining, strengthening and building strong, lasting relationships. I am still friends with old boyfriends because we were always able to talk. I treasure those friendships. Sometimes it’s better to just be friends instead of something more. We were able to determine this factor because of our strong communication whether good or bad things came about. I am happy that I have been blessed with friends who will be in my life a lifetime instead of a reason or only a season. Those relationships teach me so many things every day and will forever remain near and dear to me. Don’t lose out on great ones due to lack of communication!     

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 6)

"Dating and the Single Mom/Dad"

Dating is crucial when there are children involved in the situation. I think that before one introduces someone they’re dating when they are a parent, shouldn’t be taken lightly or too soon when throwing their kids into the equation. Because when or if the relationship doesn’t work out, not only are you breaking up with the person, if you have introduced them to your children, they are also breaking up with them. Kids are innocent in this and they shouldn’t have to get their little hearts broken each and every time their mom/dad ends a relationship. Not only is this being irresponsible but it also gives a bad impression to your children, especially when the kids are older. For instance, if a boy child sees his mother dating and bringing home different men every time he looks around, he may start resenting his mother or think that she is easy. He may place all women in this category and treat them as such. Let’s face it, kids talk and the older they are, the more they talk about. His friends may put thoughts in his head making him think that his mom is a slut. If a girl child sees her father bringing home  different women all the time, she may think that it’s okay if a boy down the road treats her like a piece of meat. She may even think that if she doesn’t give herself to every one of them, they won’t like her. Or she may think that she shouldn’t be with only one boy at a time, resulting in her eventually getting a bad reputation in the future. Bottom line, not everyone you date should be introduced to your kids, period.

If your kids don’t like or get along with the person in your life, don’t blow it off. Observe and see just why they feel the way they feel. Whether we believe it or not, children are more insightful than we give them credit for. If you really see something more developing between you and the one you are in a relationship with, then the both of you should sit down with the children to form a few rules and regulations. Equal time and energy that is put into your relationship should also be done where your kids are concerned. That way, they will see and know that no one is trying to take you away from them and that they are important too. Trust me, children know when they are not wanted or treated fair. Hell, look at what happened to Cinderella? She did everything to please her evil ass stepmother only to be treated as a slave, but what happened to her in the end? She got double for her trouble. Seriously, don’t neglect your children. They will be there to help pick your heart up off the floor when you are left alone. You do not want your children to think or feel that someone is more important than they are. This will stay with them even when you don’t think it will, leading to many rebellious habits to pay you back in the future. Boys can start treating women like dirt and girls can look for love in all the wrong places. As parents, we do not want this type of behavior from our children.

When one becomes a parent, life changes completely. Even if we are not adults when it happens, it forces us to grow up and take responsibility for our actions. Many people think that when they have children at an early age that they can just grow up with their kids, trying to become their best friend. Parenting doesn’t work like that. I’m not saying that you and your kids cannot be friends; I’m saying that the line will be tested time and time again bringing you back to the parenting level. Being a great parent means being a friend when your child becomes an adult and starts his/her own family. They are kids. Being cool, down to earth and your child’s best friend will eventually bite you in the ass. The respect is lost and you will be looked at as the bad guy. Bottom line, you are a parent. Act as such! They should remain kids and innocent as long as possible. Too many kids have been stripped from their youth. Don’t do the same thing to your own. Let the man/woman know before you start dating that you do have children and that they come first in your life. If he/she mean you or your children any good, they will only respect you and want to get to know you more if they intend to be a part of your life on a more long-term basis. If they try to make you chose, then they are clearly not the one for you or should never meet your children. Who does that? Yes, they have people out in the world who do just that and nothing good will even come from them being in your or your kids’ life. Take it personal, we all deserve someone who will fall in love with our children before they fall in love with us. So, when is the right time to introduce your children to your man/woman? No one knows for sure. Trust your gut on this. You will know when the time is right for all involved. Too many single parents both man or woman allow people to come in and turn their worlds upside down. There are more cases than not where children are taken advantage of by mommy’s or daddy’s new boy or girlfriend. As I said before, children are innocent and should remain that way.  

Think about it for a minute. How did you grow up? How did your parents treat you? If you had both parents in the same home, lucky you and even that isn’t always a good thing. If you didn’t, you already know where I’m going. If you were put in situations you know you shouldn’t have been, you should want better for your children. You should want to be a better parent than your own. It’s no one’s fault the way you see fit to raise your kids, but do it as best as you can. Teach them great values and morals. Teach them to love themselves, appreciate their worth but more importantly to respect themselves. They will grow up to be better human beings with those qualities. Having a solid home foundation will reinforce those values in their future. More times than not, children who are taught to love, care for and respect themselves, go on to lead successful lives in a positive way. They are not so easily influenced by peer pressure, low self-esteem and allowing anyone to take advantage of them. They will know their self-worth and become leaders instead of followers of others.

Loving your children should be your first action and priority as a parent. Show them love each and every day, even when you have to chastise them for doing something to defy you or that they know they shouldn’t have done. Yes, they will probably be upset with you at the time but they will get over it, and love you for it down the road. When it comes to relationships, respect yourself, respect your home life and respect your children’s privacy and innocence. Don’t allow anyone to come into your world and interrupt your parenting skills or good judgment. Being alone sucks but it is better to be alone than to put your children through avoidable chaos in the end. The childhood phrase of life is essential to how they will grow up and the adults they will become. Don’t jeopardize it for them by putting your needs in front of theirs.

Don’t allow someone who isn’t their mother/father to try and take their place. Being divorced and in the dating world can be tricky when it comes to that. Many parents don’t know how to be alone after being with someone for years. It takes time to heal and get to know you and your children without having another person there. Sometimes we don’t have a clue of our kids’ personality, hobbies or other wonderful qualities because of the stress in a marriage/long-term relationship. Whether you know, believe it or not, divorce and separation will affect each child differently. Some may resent you or your ex by leashing out, just to get your attention. Let’s face it, if divorce or separation happens, sometimes the children become invisible because of selfish reasons. Have a line of communication with your children from conception. That way as they get older and wiser, it doesn’t become an issue. If something is going on at home, talk to them about it. See how they feel. Many children, especially teenagers become runaways because they feel left out, unloved or simply forgotten. Don’t give them reason to think that way. Talk to your children about everything. You will know when and what they can handle. I have a two year old and a fourteen year old. (Yeah, I know. What was I thinking?) I have talk with both of them and they will understand. The two year old surprises me speechless on a daily basis with some of the things he says. The insight that my daughter has is astounding.  She is her own person. She doesn’t worry about what her peers say or do. She is strong-minded, smart and intelligent. I worry but not as much about her going down the wrong path when she is away from me because of the things we have talked about. I know that she will grow into a very successful woman and make someone a lucky person someday.

So, whether you are married, single or divorced, talk with your children. They will respect you more and trust your judgment instead of learning the hard way about different obstacles in life such as: peer pressure, sex, drugs, alcohol and dating. Don’t have them a bad impression of what a relationship should be. Dating should be fun, exciting, the best time of being single. Don’t complicate it by overstepping boundaries or putting anyone in a foreshadowing situation. Make sure he/she is someone you see yourself being with on a more permanate level than just having a good time with, before introducing them to the special someone is your life. Don’t rush it either! When he/she comes along, you will feel butterflies each and every time you see or hear from them. Your kids will love him/her when you do decide the time is right to introduce them and all persons involved will know when the fit is perfect, special, unbreakable. So, again I stress, take your time before involving your children when you are a single parent, in the dating world. Starting over is hard but sometimes it’s worth it when we have children, who are watching our every move, listening to our every word. We are their heroes, role-models, people they want to become. What would you do if Superman was your favorite superhero and suddenly lost his powers? This will change everything that you loved about him. The same thing goes for when you have children. Don’t have them reason to change their perception of you. Life will be better from it, trust me!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 5) Can Men and Women be Friends and nothing more?

“When you have friends you don’t want your guy/girl to meet, is something up?”

Having your own set of friends before a relationship is more than likely to happen, but when do the two people involved bring his/her friends together for introductions? What happens when one person doesn’t want to introduce a few of their friends? Is this something to be overlooked or talked about? If the relationship is serious, why not introduce everybody so that everybody knows everybody and there isn’t any conflict down the road? People who keep “friends” a secret or hidden will only cause trouble and raise questioning eyebrows as the relationship progresses. It’s nothing I wish on anyone because I have encountered this bullshit one time too many to count. I have also had a few friends of my own, who I didn’t want to meet the current boyfriend along the way for selfish reasons, I might add. At that particular time in my life, I wanted to keep my options away from each other so that if it didn’t work out with one, I could just move on and there wouldn’t be any conflict between whomever. (If you know what I mean) Was it right? No, but did I care at the time? Hell no! When you are still in the dating phrase, there is no need to reveal all of your friends. Save this until you are sure that something more will develop. Otherwise, you can and will find yourself in a strange situation, losing someone who could have potentially been the right one all along.

Relationships should have ground rules about friends who were there before you, from the beginning. Yes, I am a firm believer that men and women can only be friends. I still have a few male friends from my youth and that is and has always been the extent of our relationship. I think there is a fine line where this particular matter is concerned but I couldn’t see life without them being a part of it, period. Some are married and some are not but I do know their wives and current girlfriends and they know my husband. It’s always good to have at least one person of the opposite sex to talk to and get advice from. Who else better to talk about a man, than a man or a woman, than a woman? Friends won’t steer you wrong or try to get inside your pants if he/she are truly a friend.

Some women don’t like it when their guy has women friends. I don’t blame them but trust has to begin somewhere. Now, if you have reason for suspicion, that’s different but if you have met them, talked with them and can see the interaction between them with your own two eyes, then, why not? Besides, if he trusts you enough to have guy friends, don’t be a hypocrite! This will only push him further into the arms of the woman waiting, if that is the case. (Yes, that will happen whether you want to believe it or not. Don't be so quick to just take his/her word about the people they call "friends") I am a woman and I know how women think, especially the friend who has always wanted to be someone more. We see it all the time. The one who listens, consoles and gives him all the best advice, comfort and support will be there when you show your ass. Don’t allow that to happen. I say, get to know all the friends he/she introduces you to. You will definitely know if you have anything to concern yourself with.

Allow me to share this story with you and then you can make your very own conclusions. I was dating a guy, not just dating, we were in a serious relationship, who I thought was great. That is, until I caught him in all sort of lies. He would always be on the phone with someone he always referred to when I asked as, his friend and classmate. When I asked him when I could meet her, so that we could get to know each other, he didn’t like that idea one bit. (Immediately a red flag went up. I am blessed to have a lot of men in my family, whom I love and cherish deeply, but they well schooled me and the other girls in the family, on many things. Even when we didn't want to know, they said it bluntly so that we wouldn't ever have to deal with a "no-good man" as they called it. All I can say now is, thank you!) Let me stop rambling. Moving along!

Anyway, one night I was at his house. We were lying in bed and it was about ten o’clock. He was just getting over a cold, and I, being the person that I am, was doing my duty as a good loving and caring girlfriend, taking care of him. As we cuddled up next to each other, we heard his doorbell chime. I looked over at the clock, as did he. He looked just as startled as I was, as to who could be at his house that late. Well, it was the same friend/classmate who he didn’t want me to meet. I waited to see if he would invite her inside, listening like a superspy. Before he opened the door there was a bit of hesitation. It took him a few minutes to open it and but before he came back into the room to grab his shorts and t-shirt. I could tell from her voice that she was all smitten, talking all sweet and enduring. She seemed extremely comfortable in front of him, like she was used to showing up at his house anytime she felt like it or should I say invited over.

The next words from her mouth got me even more angry. She said, “Hey baby, I just wanted to see if you were okay since I have been calling you all day and night and you hadn’t answered the phone. You always answer or call me back but since you hadn't, I just came over.” I later learned that his phone’s ringer was turned off. (Ask me how I knew that? You damn right! I checked that as soon as the words escaped her lips.) Now mind you, he still hadn’t invited this poor girl inside and it was cold outside. She should have known his ass was up to something but she remained in the doorway, waiting to be invited in. I, on the other hand, was getting more furious by the minute. There was silence and then she finally asked why he wasn’t letting her inside. She was like, “Stop making me stand out here in the cold. I brought you some of my mom’s chicken noodle soup that you love so much. I personally made it, myself and yes before you ask, I called and she talked me through it.” He didn’t know what to do or say. I knew that I was in the next room and his house wasn't bigger than an apartment, so I was able to hear a fly shit on the wall.

I learned many things during the whispered conversation between them that night. He knew her very well, she had cooked for him, apparently had been to his house more than once and he had met her mother. If that isn't serious, then what is? That is when I got up and stood in the doorway of his bedroom, with my arms folded. (The perfect "don't fuck with me" defense mechanism) I thought that he would say something then but he pretended that I wasn't there. But baby let me tell ya, I made sure she saw me. I politely walked my half-dressed ass into the living room, up to the front door and asked her to come in. I took the soup from her, thanking her for being such a good friend. I chatted with her while I put some of it in the microwave. I even asked her if she wanted to eat some with us. I only fixed two bowls. (My mama didn't raise no fool. She taught my siblings and I never to eat from people we don't know and be careful with the one's you do know when it came to food.)

He was so nervous. He couldn’t even look me in the damn face. We didn't even include him in the conversation. She was nice and polite, but clearly her poor feelings were hurt. She was even dresses as if she would be spending the night, in your pajamas. Who does that? Just show up at a friends house in pjs, ten o'clock at night, if you are only friends? (Now even if I went to check on one of my male friends, I could at least put on decent clothes. Besides, you never know why he/she didn't answer the phone all the times you called. What if something happened and you have to call the police? Hell, what if he didn't answer because he had someone over? Anything could happen and there are just certain things as friends you just don't do, period. If you are just friends that is.) He called out my name but I refused to acknowledge him at all. After I fixed the soup for the both of them, I went into the bedroom, got dressed and before I left, I said, “From now on, when you get sick, want to be fucked or anything else, call your girl, your friend/classmate, who is clearly way more than that.” She looked at me with a light smile on her face.

I guess I said all the things she needed to hear to know exactly where she stood in his life. (It is always convenience for a guy to mislead a woman. Allow her to cook, ask to go to a movie, dinner, hang out or even sex from time to time, but that is some bullshit. Don't string people along with hopes that something romantic will happen in the future. Time is something we all cannot get back. Be honest, straight up and you will be respected rather than neglected. At least tell them what's up and then the ball can be in his/her court. If they choose to play defense or offense, it's their choice.) Before I was even out of the driveway good, friend/classmate was right behind me. Before I was able to drive off, she hollered out "thank you". I tilted my head up and kept it moving. We were not friends and that was how I would keep it. He called several times that night trying to apologize and explain. I felt that if he didn’t have anything to hide, he could have done that while we both were there. That didn’t happen, and the two of us became distant lovers. I don’t know if he was able to savage his relationship with his friend/classmate but he had already gotten a few strikes and I was done. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me. No relationship should have that much drama. And ya’ll this is the same guy I have constantly talked about in a few other posts. I should send him a check or something, to thank him for all the wisdom he provided me with about some of the things men are capable of doing, if you don’t listen and pay attention to the warning signs.  

Bottomline, I couldn't really fault the girl. She probably didn't even know I existed. I knew that they talked on the phone, he talked to her in front of me so I didn't really think much of it until that particular night. Men and women have always been different when it comes to things like this. Men tend to overlook a woman having a male friend, even if he knows him or not. They will even hang out with our men friends to make us happy. They tend to become friends even when the two of you break-up. Women, not so much, we are already territorial by nature, so this will cause tension even when there shouldn’t be any. If being burned one time before from this very situation, we may get passed it, but never fully forget it or let our guards down again. It can take the woman telling us or introducing us to her own man, and we still won’t trust them. Women know women all too well, and can spot someone trying to take our place or get a little too close for comfort to our man. (This doesn't sit well with us, at all.)

This situation is hard but I am not too uptight or should I say insecure about my guy having a few friends who are of the opposite sex. She will know me and most definitely know her. I will know without any doubt if she wants more than friendship from my man. (There will be none of that!) I really don’t have much more to say about this particular topic except to just observe and trust your man/woman but more importantly trust your intuition. Besides, you wouldn’t steer yourself wrong, would you? In the end, if his/her friends are genuine, they will eventually become your friends too. Relationships aren't always hard, we tend to make them that way!     

Monday, September 5, 2011

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 4)

“Don’t turn your back on your family and friends because you are in a relationship”

Now I will be the first one to admit being guilty of this very thing. I am not proud to say it but I have pushed people away or turned my back on friends when I got into a relationship. It was mainly because the guy didn’t want me to talk to or hang out with them, just so he could control me. He wanted me to be totally depended on him, have no one but him and that is sick. No one should want you not to have friends and family to spend time with, besides whom will you talk about him with? LOL

If someone wants you to do that, you should walk away. Nothing good will come from the relationship. In fact, he will get more controlling, become physically and mentally abusive and eventually take you from high to low. Don’t you think there is something unstable with him/her if they are trying to keep you by yourself? That way when he/she goes upside your head and it will happen, you don’t have anyone to call or nowhere else to turn. I was blind to that fact until I realized that when he hurt me, I couldn’t tell anyone or get any advice from anyone because I had pushed them all away. I felt stupid, ashamed, trapped and sometimes unable to breathe.

I thought that he was being sweet, taking our relationship seriously enough to want to spend as much time together as possible. Now, there is nothing wrong with spending time together while in a relationship but sometimes it is always good to have some alone time. Taking time for yourself whether in a relationship or not is one of the best forms of therapy. Knowing who you are is essential to maintaining great friendships and a lasting relationship. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t even know who or what they are or want out of a relationship. With that being said, men also need their personal space. They don’t like to feel crowded, smothered or anything pertaining to be whipped or unable to do “his” thing. But people who want to be together will do just that. They will make and find time to spend together to show his/her Sweetie that they are important and special.

Most men I have been friends with for many years, welcome to time that their woman spend with her friends. It gives them time apart to miss each other, flirt a little and show just how much she was missed when she gets back. Most of my friends, who are guys, think having girlfriends are great but when they pose a threat to his and your relationship, he verbalizes that fact early on instead of allowing it to actually happen. He doesn’t want your friends knowing everything that goes on in your relationship either. In fact, some times are better left unsaid. Yeah we all have that one girlfriend who knows everything that there is going on, but is that really healthy? My best friend knows mostly everything there is to know but she and I have an understanding in our relationship. We know that some things are better taken to the grave and that’s the way it is, period.

Ladies, we also need to learn that our men need their boys. And trust me, they will know how important you are and know not to try and cross that line. Men need to feel like men and having boys play a huge part in that. Now, boys will be boys but your guy will know before he leaves the house that he can look all he wants but bring that home for his woman. My guy does, that is. He knows that we don’t have to be together 24/7 but we have that trust already established. It’s been there for over fifteen years now and I don’t think it’s ever going anywhere. He knows as well as I know that we can go spend time with the girls, party like it’s 1999 but don’t party too much. Don’t cross the line. Yeah, guys will try to holler and yes, females will try to get yours and every guy’s attention in the building, but he won’t take it there out of the respect and love he has for you. So, there is no need to push your friends away when you are involved in a relationship. Oh and don’t let his boys like you, you are definitely a keeper!

As for as family is concerned it can be tricky where relationship are concerned, which can either make or break a strong bond. When a man loves his mother and other family hard, he will do any and everything to keep it that way plus include the woman of his life in it. He will make it clear that she is someone special about even introducing her to them, so there is no if’s and’s or but’s about it. On the other hand, when the woman doesn’t really put forth an effort to become a member, keeping peace when there is clearly tension, she make not stay in the relationship long. This will definitely be determined or should be way before marriage is mentioned. It’s sad that we all have been through or know people who don’t like their mate’s family. “Can we all just get along?” It’s not hard getting along with people especially your guy’s family and vice versa. Try your best and then if it is something that cannot be resolved, I think you should evaluate your relationship to see if anything more can develop. We cannot pick and choose our families but we can pick and choose the people we want to bring into them. With that being said, more times than not, when one doesn’t get along with someone’s family, he/she won’t be happy in a relationship. The situation will only bring tension and stress to the happy couple, ultimately ending with breakup.  

When a woman loves her family, she loves them but she will be more likely to push them away if they don’t like or respect her man. This is sad because she should want that family will be there when no one else is. I’m not saying she should just allow her family to make her man feel uncomfortable, unwanted or anything of the sort but she should know that her family wants nothing but the best for her. I don’t know what it is about “Mothers” but they have loser radar and can spot a loser from miles away. Trust and believe that not everyone in your circle will care for your mate but if everyone says the same thing, you should open your damn eyes and see that he/she doesn’t mean you any good. Don’t wait until he starts treating you like dirt or staying out late or not coming home at all. We may not like what they have to say but listen. It will save a lot of time and wasted energy on someone who shouldn’t be in your life.

Bottom line; don’t get rid of the people who came before the person you just met. They will be there even after you have pushed them away. When you have friends who are there for a lifetime, they will forgive but never forget. They won’t say “I told you so” but they will let you know that they were right in some way, shape or form. There are some shady people out in the world. Don’t waste time you could be spending with true friends and devoted family on someone who will drag you through the mud and back again. Someone who wants the best for you won’t try to make you chose or make you push anyone away unless they know without a shadow of a doubt that those people don’t have your back. No one should live life alone and family and friends are rare treasures we tend to take advantage of or forget that they have always been there no matter what. Be happy! Be you and be watchful of wolves in sheep’s clothing!