Thursday, November 3, 2011

How many of today’s Society is having sex, refusing it with being intimate?

As I had a three-way conversation with two of my close friends last night, the topic of discussion took on a new life and we ended up here, intimacy vs. sex. Do many of you even know the difference between being intimate with someone verses just having sex? The two are entirely two different things, which many people confuse more often times than not.

Let me first give the definition of intimacy according to Webster: the state of being intimate, a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc. an act of expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like.

Well, the list goes on and one, but the one definition that will forever be embedded in my mind is the one my brother gave. He simply stated that being intimate is “being in to me”. It’s impossible to become intimate with someone who isn’t into you, which in turns just equals SEX. Kudos, bruh, nice job! Do we really get to know someone before jumping into the sack? When after a few weeks, they don’t text, call or seem interested, we feel like shit! We blame or fault ourselves, thinking that something is wrong with us. This can lead to low self-esteem, bitterness, promiscuity and not really knowing our self-worth. I think it is crucial to at least know someone’s last name, parents names, likes and dislikes, interests, and at least five of his/her goals, before giving them your physical treasure. Hell, make them work for it! Most women don’t demand respect or make men work for their special jewel and vice versa.

It’s really not that hard to do, but we have conformed to society and what they think is acceptable. Back in the day, men courted women. They got to know them first. They went on long walks, talking, getting to know the person. There wasn't all of today's modern technology or social networking, so people simply got inside the house and talked. They got to know each others families, because unlike today, family was the essential part of having a lasting relationship with someone. Not saying that you should cater to their families, because not everyone is going to like you. You won’t like all of them either. It’s life. If we all liked everyone, we wouldn’t have a need for Homeland Security or our US Military. I’m just saying. Why? Because there would be no such thing called "WAR". If you plan to have something more, something special with someone, you will have to get along or be cordial to their families.

I think society has lost the most important morals and values, were intimacy is concerned. Women nowadays think that it is okay, expected of them, a form of self-expression, or freedom, to sleep with someone after the third date. Some will do it on the first night, therefore, the “one night stand”. Being free and open-minded is one thing but being stupid, fast and easy, is something totally misunderstood in our society. Men are let off the hook, not taking monogamy seriously in the least. Hell, most women don’t take monogamy serious. Sex has become so casual that most people just want to get a quick fix and move on to the next, if their sexual appetite isn’t satisfied. What will you have in common once the sex gets boring or played out? Nothing and so the cheating begins. There are more breakups and divorces in today's society because of the lack of intimacy.

Now, shall we take a look at the definition of sex?

Webster states that it is: the instinct or attraction drawing one sex toward another, or its manifestation in life and conduct, to arouse sexually, to increase the appeal of, to make more interesting, attractive or exciting, and to engage in sexual intercourse.

My definition of sex: knocking the boots, screwing, humping like rabbits, giving yourself do someone just because you listen to your genitals instead of your heart.  My list can go far and beyond but I will stop now before things out of hand. LOL Ya'll know where I'm going with this anyway! Moving right along.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is great but what comes after? Do you simply say “thank you” put your clothes back on, promise to get together again soon, and walk out the door without any intentions of seeing or hearing from the person again? True, if the sex was exciting, you will probably do it a few more times, but without anything more, hence "friends with benefits" "a booty call" "jump-off" "just something to do". The relationship is doomed before it even began.

I don’t understand how one can just give themselves to a stranger or someone they have only known a few weeks. Call me old-fashioned, but I’ll take that. I cannot even give it to my husband if he makes me mad in the a.m. and it’s late in the p.m. So therefore it takes communication. Talk, get to know each other, form some type of intimacy before jumping up and down, between the sheets, or wherever you decide to do it. Being intimate is so much more than sex. Emotions, feelings and thoughts play a huge part in intimacy. Having an emotional connection with someone outweighs just having sex any day in my book.

Learning what gets your partner’s motor running is ten times more exciting than just getting off. A quick nut is simply that, "a quick nut"! A soft stroke on the neck, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes and just being in the same room, doing completely opposite things to me, are the best forms of intimacy. Having a tummy ache and just being able to lay your head on your partner’s shoulder or lap, is a form of intimacy. Four-play is the best form of intimacy, instead of just ripping off each other’s clothing, going straight to the genitals, and then penetration. It is only sex. With intimacy, ripping your clothes will be so much better, hotter, passionate, fulfilling, invigorating, amazing, incredible! Hell, you get what I'm saying.

We all want it rough and dirty when we do it at times, but we also want something more when it is all over. I think that intimacy, love and passion all go hand in hand. If one of those three components is missing, it’s just sex. You can love someone and not be intimate with them or have passion for them. You can have passion without love. But, it’s hard to be intimate with someone you don’t love, desire or have passion for. I asked someone a question the other day. What is sex without love? He simply said, “A friend”. The only thing I could do was laugh. But at least he was honest. Now correct me if I’m wrong, please, but what kind of shit is that? Who wants to give themselves to someone, only to find out afterwards that they weren’t that into you and just want to be friends? I sure as hell wouldn’t! But there are some people out in the world who make this acceptable. How else do people know how to try their luck? Because someone allowed it to happen, once upon a time.

This post is based merely on personal experience and the discussion from last night with my two close friends, one being a male, the other a female. There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Feel free to post a comment if you have something to add, subtract, or just share. I welcome your thoughts and feedback.  

Take your time and get to know someone first. Everything else will fall into place. Years later, you will look over at that person and smile, knowing that you could have missed out of the chance to love, be intimate with and have undying passion for,  not just a few minutes of sex. Let’s all face the music, sex without intimacy is just “FUCKING” point blank, period, as my silly friend LALA would say. Try intimacy, I dare you. Life will be so much better, easier and safer. Your heart won’t get broken as much, if at all. There is still time because there is someone out there for us all. If you already have them, work harder, fighter stronger to preserve what the two of you have. When you are old, gray and barely able to get around, and you can’t do the things in the bedroom like you used to, you will be able to withstand the hands of time. Keep being intimate! Not only will the sex be so much incredible when you intertwine the two, you will love and cherish each other a million times more. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed!   

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