Thursday, September 22, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships—(Part 11)

“Does sharing your true feelings openly and honestly in a relationship, truly reveal the other person’s intentions, good or bad?”

This particular topic came up a few days ago, as I spoke to one of my close friends. We were just talking in general and she said she had something to ask me. I was like, okay, what’s up? At first she laughed because of the way I responded and that kind of lightened the mood. She was hesitant but then she just went for it. I guess even knowing someone for many years can still be weird where the topic of relationships is concerned. Either way, she wasn’t getting let off the hook. Ya’ll know I’m nosy, right! Like Eddie Murphy’s character, Ray, in the movie Life, “I gotta know!” lol If you don’t know what I’m talking about, get the movie watch it and when the scene comes up with that particular part, you will laugh until you cry or pee on yourself. Discussing relationships can be scary, especially with a friend. But I am not one to sugarcoat anything or say what you want me to say. Sorry! If you want that, I am definitely not the one you should be talking to. That’s another reason why I probably have had the same friends for forever and a day. The question asked was shocking because I had been thinking of this very thing days prior to our conversation.

“Do you think expressing how we feel to a person pushes or pulls them away from us?” Now, I was completely taken aback because this has also been on my mind for quite some time. I’ve talked about the importance of communication and sharing ourselves in a relationship but when is it really a good or bad time to do so? If we open ourselves too soon, we tend to scare or cause our intended mate to run for the hills. But, on the other hand, if we don’t share at all, they still scare or run for the hills, in fear that we don’t care at all. So, which one is it? I consider myself to be a very expressive person. I want to share just how I feel so that my mate can know without a shadow of a doubt my feelings for him. Not only my mate but also any other relationships that means a great deal to me, require the form of communication called expression. Majority of the time, writing is a way I express such feelings. Words can speak volumes when put on paper. They can also last a lifetime, were as only speaking them, can only last in that moment. Hell, sometimes words are spoken and not even heard. This can cause many people to shut down and just keep their feelings, thoughts or anything else to themselves, which becomes unhealthy. Anything left inside too long becomes bad for your health, period!

I’m not saying to write everything down and stop talking, because that is the furthest thing on my mind right now, so don’t get me wrong.  I can also speak my feelings, thoughts and emotions face-to-face but more times than not, I feel like I should have just kept those feelings to myself because of the reaction or response I receive or not receive in the end.  It’s hard sharing as it is but once you are made to believe that your feelings have been taken for granted, that opens up a new defense mechanism and a wall goes up, that is hard as hell to knock down. You can also feel like your relationship is one-sided. Who wants that feeling? Is it really that hard to just tell a person how you truly feel about them? There are ways to do so without being pushy, demanding, controlling or expecting. Although they may not feel the same way, at least you got whatever it was you had to say off your chest. So whether you have to write, talk, sing or draw, do whatever works for you but get those thoughts out. Some things are to only be said and heard. When that time comes, you will know.

Not doing or doing so, can be the very thing that causes someone like you, me or my friend to just keep our feelings at bay, but result in getting disappointed down the line with an excuse from our significant other that they didn’t know where they stood and when someone else came along and made it known verbally, they went into their awaiting arms. Bullshit!!! Straight bullshit! Either you can handle the truth, feelings and all or you are someone incapable of moving forward. Some people are not ready to accept the truth because they are not done playing games. Either way is it our fault that they are not able to express ourselves or cannot handle true expression? No, so stop thinking that way right now! Don’t become an enabler. Don’t just sit back and accept that from anyone. You deserve to know just where you stand and how someone feels about you. Time is something we cannot get back. Don’t waste it anyone who doesn’t deserve it. Nine times out of ten, you will always be the one who gets hurt in the end by allowing this type of behavior or non-sense to go on. Express yourself and expect to get some feedback. If not, way your options to determine if the relationship is worth it or not and go from there. You will love yourself much more in doing so.

Self-expression has always been a form of a person’s true identity. How is it any different in relationships? Someone please answer this question for me. My version is quite simple. Do you want to know what I think? Well, here you go. “People want what they want from either you or someone else but expect not to give anything of them along the way. These people may have been hurt at some point in their lives, have a problem with expression but it becomes their justification to their behavior or inability to commit. They deal with several people at once so that they are never alone, in fear that they will get hurt all over again, but in reality, we really need to take some time to get to know them. How can one show or give love, if they don’t know how? How can someone commit, if they don’t even know what the word means? How can someone talk when they don’t know how to listen? Is this fair? I think not, but it is just their way. Can this cycle be broken? I think so, but it is entirely up to them. Dwelling on the past is unacceptable in my book. Let it go, move on and live life! Sounds easier said than done, well that’s because it is. We should want each relationship we encounter, whether family, friend or commitment, to be better than the last.

This is simply a sign of grown, maturity and the ability to move in the right direction towards something more fulfilling. Believe it or not, we have the power to take control of our lives, in any given situation, to better it. Yeah, everyone or thing we encounter isn’t good for us, but it is up to us to past the test and tell the testimony, to help someone else, even ourselves in the future. Don’t conform; make this okay because it only hurts you more than others in the run long. The people we hurt, go on to live happy lives, with people who give of themselves, instead of only receiving. They become better, when we stay the same. Don’t become a victim of another cop out, fall for the ookeydoke. Life is too short to result in repeat offenders. It gets old and pointless. Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to commit, anyway? Nothing good well ever come from it, trust me! I know many people who watched their parents relationship, that wasn’t so great and simply shut off themselves when it comes to being in a committed relationship in fear of the same thing happening to them. Maybe they finally opened their heart completely to the wrong person and got it broken into a million pieces. Don’t allow one bad experience to control or dictate the outcome of your life. Everything we see isn’t what it appears to be. Just because someone else didn’t get it right, doesn’t mean that you won’t either!

Love is one of, if not, the best gift we can give and receive. Love is something unbreakable, if with the right person but it takes two people, on the same page in order to complete a chapter, ultimately resulting in a perfectly written book. There is no if’s, and’ or but’s about it. There is not right or wrong answer. The plot catches everyone off guard, causing them to look and want what is obviously transpiring between the two people involved. Your book stays on the best-seller’s list a lifetime. Many people read it and grow from it. They always see the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. Why? It’s because of the ability and will to express, communicate other than shut down and pull away. Love is intoxicating, drawing everything to it. There is nothing anyone can say or do to come between it because the bond is mutual. It isn’t one-sided, manipulated, deceitful or taken advantage of. Anything where these negative things exist isn’t love, merely lust, infatuation. Love isn’t supposed to be hard or hurt. True, there will be ups and downs but it doesn’t even come close to causing pain to either one involved. It is supposed to transform us, translate through our actions toward each other and transmit positive energy into the atmosphere to others.

Our hearts can differentiate between all the emotions but we sometimes overcome or compromise, thinking that things will get better. It usually doesn’t, only gets worse. Women especially, become victims because we tend to express or show our love totally, completely, without reserve. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact, it is quite healthy. The bad part about it is that we groom others for someone else without even knowing so. They learn, we teach and another reaps the benefits from our broken hearts.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Anything that hurts to the point where we cannot breathe is nothing pertaining to love at all. Pure love, divine love, intoxicating love, is expressed openly, honestly, willingly and completely by both people in the relationship. Have you ever saw someone walking around just smiling, really smiling with their heart, through their eyes? It’s those people who have this kind of relationship, with the love intended for them that touches my spirit. They inspire me to kind trying, keep fighting and keep enduring because I too, have that kind of love. At times it gets rough but more often than not, I smile with my heart, because my guy makes my heart sing! Call me corny or whatever, it feels good. So to answer the question, does expressing oneself honestly and completely in a relationship reveal good or bad intentions of our mate? Most definitely, but in the end, it’s all worth it when you find the right person for you. Keep expressing. Keep communicating. Keep being you. The man/woman, who gets to have you as a part of their life, will be truly blessed beyond measure. And for those of you who have already found them, you know what it feels like to smile with your heart!  

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