Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Frienship, Dating and Relationships (Part 5) Can Men and Women be Friends and nothing more?

“When you have friends you don’t want your guy/girl to meet, is something up?”

Having your own set of friends before a relationship is more than likely to happen, but when do the two people involved bring his/her friends together for introductions? What happens when one person doesn’t want to introduce a few of their friends? Is this something to be overlooked or talked about? If the relationship is serious, why not introduce everybody so that everybody knows everybody and there isn’t any conflict down the road? People who keep “friends” a secret or hidden will only cause trouble and raise questioning eyebrows as the relationship progresses. It’s nothing I wish on anyone because I have encountered this bullshit one time too many to count. I have also had a few friends of my own, who I didn’t want to meet the current boyfriend along the way for selfish reasons, I might add. At that particular time in my life, I wanted to keep my options away from each other so that if it didn’t work out with one, I could just move on and there wouldn’t be any conflict between whomever. (If you know what I mean) Was it right? No, but did I care at the time? Hell no! When you are still in the dating phrase, there is no need to reveal all of your friends. Save this until you are sure that something more will develop. Otherwise, you can and will find yourself in a strange situation, losing someone who could have potentially been the right one all along.

Relationships should have ground rules about friends who were there before you, from the beginning. Yes, I am a firm believer that men and women can only be friends. I still have a few male friends from my youth and that is and has always been the extent of our relationship. I think there is a fine line where this particular matter is concerned but I couldn’t see life without them being a part of it, period. Some are married and some are not but I do know their wives and current girlfriends and they know my husband. It’s always good to have at least one person of the opposite sex to talk to and get advice from. Who else better to talk about a man, than a man or a woman, than a woman? Friends won’t steer you wrong or try to get inside your pants if he/she are truly a friend.

Some women don’t like it when their guy has women friends. I don’t blame them but trust has to begin somewhere. Now, if you have reason for suspicion, that’s different but if you have met them, talked with them and can see the interaction between them with your own two eyes, then, why not? Besides, if he trusts you enough to have guy friends, don’t be a hypocrite! This will only push him further into the arms of the woman waiting, if that is the case. (Yes, that will happen whether you want to believe it or not. Don't be so quick to just take his/her word about the people they call "friends") I am a woman and I know how women think, especially the friend who has always wanted to be someone more. We see it all the time. The one who listens, consoles and gives him all the best advice, comfort and support will be there when you show your ass. Don’t allow that to happen. I say, get to know all the friends he/she introduces you to. You will definitely know if you have anything to concern yourself with.

Allow me to share this story with you and then you can make your very own conclusions. I was dating a guy, not just dating, we were in a serious relationship, who I thought was great. That is, until I caught him in all sort of lies. He would always be on the phone with someone he always referred to when I asked as, his friend and classmate. When I asked him when I could meet her, so that we could get to know each other, he didn’t like that idea one bit. (Immediately a red flag went up. I am blessed to have a lot of men in my family, whom I love and cherish deeply, but they well schooled me and the other girls in the family, on many things. Even when we didn't want to know, they said it bluntly so that we wouldn't ever have to deal with a "no-good man" as they called it. All I can say now is, thank you!) Let me stop rambling. Moving along!

Anyway, one night I was at his house. We were lying in bed and it was about ten o’clock. He was just getting over a cold, and I, being the person that I am, was doing my duty as a good loving and caring girlfriend, taking care of him. As we cuddled up next to each other, we heard his doorbell chime. I looked over at the clock, as did he. He looked just as startled as I was, as to who could be at his house that late. Well, it was the same friend/classmate who he didn’t want me to meet. I waited to see if he would invite her inside, listening like a superspy. Before he opened the door there was a bit of hesitation. It took him a few minutes to open it and but before he came back into the room to grab his shorts and t-shirt. I could tell from her voice that she was all smitten, talking all sweet and enduring. She seemed extremely comfortable in front of him, like she was used to showing up at his house anytime she felt like it or should I say invited over.

The next words from her mouth got me even more angry. She said, “Hey baby, I just wanted to see if you were okay since I have been calling you all day and night and you hadn’t answered the phone. You always answer or call me back but since you hadn't, I just came over.” I later learned that his phone’s ringer was turned off. (Ask me how I knew that? You damn right! I checked that as soon as the words escaped her lips.) Now mind you, he still hadn’t invited this poor girl inside and it was cold outside. She should have known his ass was up to something but she remained in the doorway, waiting to be invited in. I, on the other hand, was getting more furious by the minute. There was silence and then she finally asked why he wasn’t letting her inside. She was like, “Stop making me stand out here in the cold. I brought you some of my mom’s chicken noodle soup that you love so much. I personally made it, myself and yes before you ask, I called and she talked me through it.” He didn’t know what to do or say. I knew that I was in the next room and his house wasn't bigger than an apartment, so I was able to hear a fly shit on the wall.

I learned many things during the whispered conversation between them that night. He knew her very well, she had cooked for him, apparently had been to his house more than once and he had met her mother. If that isn't serious, then what is? That is when I got up and stood in the doorway of his bedroom, with my arms folded. (The perfect "don't fuck with me" defense mechanism) I thought that he would say something then but he pretended that I wasn't there. But baby let me tell ya, I made sure she saw me. I politely walked my half-dressed ass into the living room, up to the front door and asked her to come in. I took the soup from her, thanking her for being such a good friend. I chatted with her while I put some of it in the microwave. I even asked her if she wanted to eat some with us. I only fixed two bowls. (My mama didn't raise no fool. She taught my siblings and I never to eat from people we don't know and be careful with the one's you do know when it came to food.)

He was so nervous. He couldn’t even look me in the damn face. We didn't even include him in the conversation. She was nice and polite, but clearly her poor feelings were hurt. She was even dresses as if she would be spending the night, in your pajamas. Who does that? Just show up at a friends house in pjs, ten o'clock at night, if you are only friends? (Now even if I went to check on one of my male friends, I could at least put on decent clothes. Besides, you never know why he/she didn't answer the phone all the times you called. What if something happened and you have to call the police? Hell, what if he didn't answer because he had someone over? Anything could happen and there are just certain things as friends you just don't do, period. If you are just friends that is.) He called out my name but I refused to acknowledge him at all. After I fixed the soup for the both of them, I went into the bedroom, got dressed and before I left, I said, “From now on, when you get sick, want to be fucked or anything else, call your girl, your friend/classmate, who is clearly way more than that.” She looked at me with a light smile on her face.

I guess I said all the things she needed to hear to know exactly where she stood in his life. (It is always convenience for a guy to mislead a woman. Allow her to cook, ask to go to a movie, dinner, hang out or even sex from time to time, but that is some bullshit. Don't string people along with hopes that something romantic will happen in the future. Time is something we all cannot get back. Be honest, straight up and you will be respected rather than neglected. At least tell them what's up and then the ball can be in his/her court. If they choose to play defense or offense, it's their choice.) Before I was even out of the driveway good, friend/classmate was right behind me. Before I was able to drive off, she hollered out "thank you". I tilted my head up and kept it moving. We were not friends and that was how I would keep it. He called several times that night trying to apologize and explain. I felt that if he didn’t have anything to hide, he could have done that while we both were there. That didn’t happen, and the two of us became distant lovers. I don’t know if he was able to savage his relationship with his friend/classmate but he had already gotten a few strikes and I was done. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me. No relationship should have that much drama. And ya’ll this is the same guy I have constantly talked about in a few other posts. I should send him a check or something, to thank him for all the wisdom he provided me with about some of the things men are capable of doing, if you don’t listen and pay attention to the warning signs.  

Bottomline, I couldn't really fault the girl. She probably didn't even know I existed. I knew that they talked on the phone, he talked to her in front of me so I didn't really think much of it until that particular night. Men and women have always been different when it comes to things like this. Men tend to overlook a woman having a male friend, even if he knows him or not. They will even hang out with our men friends to make us happy. They tend to become friends even when the two of you break-up. Women, not so much, we are already territorial by nature, so this will cause tension even when there shouldn’t be any. If being burned one time before from this very situation, we may get passed it, but never fully forget it or let our guards down again. It can take the woman telling us or introducing us to her own man, and we still won’t trust them. Women know women all too well, and can spot someone trying to take our place or get a little too close for comfort to our man. (This doesn't sit well with us, at all.)

This situation is hard but I am not too uptight or should I say insecure about my guy having a few friends who are of the opposite sex. She will know me and most definitely know her. I will know without any doubt if she wants more than friendship from my man. (There will be none of that!) I really don’t have much more to say about this particular topic except to just observe and trust your man/woman but more importantly trust your intuition. Besides, you wouldn’t steer yourself wrong, would you? In the end, if his/her friends are genuine, they will eventually become your friends too. Relationships aren't always hard, we tend to make them that way!     

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