Friday, September 2, 2011

Friendship, Dating and Relationships--(Part 3)

“Trying to Change or changing for the person you’re with”

There is one thing that both men and women try to do when we want something even when all the signs point to the complete opposite. Being yourself with and around the person you are dating or in a relationship with is crucial, otherwise it’s a lie. Women especially, tend to change into someone we think the person we’re with wants us to be instead of just being yourselves. Let’s face it! If they cannot accept us for whom we are, then it should be their lost, period. If change happens along the way then that is a completely different thing. Change is good when it’s pure, genuine and to better oneself. But if it is done to get or keep someone, it’s false, deceiving and will eventually be found out. Putting on a persona will come to an end at some point because it’s hard to pretend to be someone that isn’t your true self. If everyone changed into the perfect mate or spouse, there would be no room for fighting, splitting up or divorce. True, we all want to be with the best person for us but we also have to be realistic. Nothing in life is that simple and if so, you should be keeping a very close eye on it. Something is bound to happen and not in a good way. Deception is one of the key factors in breakups. Once one’s true identity is learned, the relationship always end because the trust is broken. There are just certain boundaries that shouldn’t be compromised and being oneself is one of them. If you are not good enough for the person you are with, tell them to go straight to hell in gasoline drawers. Deuces, so long, see ya and everything else that applies! They are not worth your damn time anyway.

Why do we as women always want to change a man? If he was cursing, dressing like a thug and checking out girls when you first got with him, he will be doing the same thing while you’re with him or not. The only way that he will change is because he wants to do better and be better. He is not going to change for you and all the nagging, begging and pleading will only push him further into the arms of the woman he can be himself with. Even if you ease into it, it won’t last forever. He will figure out what you trying to do and leave you faster than a speeding bullet, with your bullet to keep you company at night. (Wait, did I just say that? My bad, but it’s true.)  Same way for us, stop changing to appease him. Trust me he knows when you are not being yourself.  It is a big turnoff, so I’ve been told. I can honestly say that I have never felt the need to change in order to get or keep a man. Being the real me is the thing they loved most about me. Not that I’m this great, no flaw having, in great shape, with the best skin person, because that is so untrue. I do know how to be myself, laugh, smile and dress in a way that commands the attention of my mate. Those should be the motivating factors to be you. If you are with someone and he/she never gives you a compliment, something is wrong. I will sure you deserve them all the time. If you always tell him/her how nice they look, how good they smell and how attractive they are, and receive nothing, you need to be with someone who will do that for you. We are human beings, with human emotions and we need to feel wanted, accepted, desired. Don’t settle or change just to make someone happy when you are dying inside. It isn’t worth it!

I mean think about it, if you didn’t wear makeup when the two of you first got together and he was attracted to you, then don’t just start wearing tons of makeup because he makes a comment about another woman wearing it. Most men don’t even like women who wear tons of makeup. It gets all over the place. It breaks your skin out and wearing too much can bring the wrong kind of attention to yourself. More often than not he is just seeing if you will become his puppet, a pushover or do anything he tells you to do. In the end, he will leave you for someone who uses their mind instead of having their mind used for them. Having a backbone is sexier than a badass pair of stilettos any day of the week in my book. If you don’t agree, ask one of your male friends, your partner or spouse and see what he says. If you met at the gym, getting your workout on, then don’t just stop working out and let yourself go. This is a quick way to use your woman/man. The same thing you did to get them should be the same thing you do to keep them. If you don’t, there are several out there who will. Keep it sexy, in every sense of the word and you won’t have to deal with this in your relationship.

I talk to lots of people and learn many things. One thing that stood out to this day is when I was friends with a guy, who was gay and he told me how he changed into someone he didn’t know when he looked in the mirror. He told me one day over lunch how he couldn’t stand himself anymore. That he wasn’t happy with the persona he was putting on just to be with the guy he was with. I sympathized for him because when I first met him, he was always the happy-go-lucky guy who made everyone’s day brighter. I watched for several months as he drastically changed from a nice looking, clean cut, muscular, sexy man, to a stone-faced, colored contact wearing and skinny wimp. He said that his boyfriend didn’t like guys bigger than him, so he stopped going to the gym and we didn’t eat lunch together as much. It was later discovered that “the boyfriend” didn’t want him bigger than him because he wanted to physically abuse my friend. They would fight all the time, for the smallest things. I tried to help but when I was bluntly told to mind my own damn business, I did just that. I hated seeing the black eyes behind the glasses, the limps and swollen lips, but when someone asks you to step back you have to give them their space. Continue to let them know you are there for them but leave the ball in their court. Sadly, my friend got fired from work and ended up alone, back living with his parents. The same guy he changed completely for left him for someone who stood up to him. In the end, my friend just transformed himself from a confident guy, to a damn punching bag. It’s sad but it happens more often than not.

Don’t give someone that much power over you or try to possess power over. When it’s all said and done, no one is left happy. It’s too much work being someone you’re not. And trust and believe your true self will come out sooner than later. Then you will be looked at as a liar, deceiver or other harsher words complimentary from the person you hurt. Think about it, would you want people to look at you as total stranger or as someone who knew themselves enough to be just that, no matter what anyone else thought or had to say about it? We teach our children to be themselves when dealing with bullying in everyday life, are we not hypocrites if we don’t take our own advice? Yes, absolutely! How can you tell someone to be themselves no matter who doesn’t accept them and in turn allow someone to make us change? We as adult men/women have to grow up at some point and lead by example, especially when we have children. Bullying in today’s society is serious and has gotten way out of hand. Well, trying to change or allowing someone to change you is a form of bullying and it has to stop starting now. Relationships will come and go. People will come and go. The ones, whom will be in our lives a reason, will be affected by us in a positive way. The ones, whom will be in our lives for just a season, teaching us something, inspiring us to become a better person, but the ones whom remain in our lives for a lifetime, will be there when we need them no matter what, who accepts us in spite of our flaws. “Be yourself! Change the world by knowing who you are!”

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